I feel awful. I feel like a fraud..... I feel like a shitty mom. I am having a really really hard time loving my baby lately......
let me preface by saying he was not planned, he was a surprise. for many years i said i never wanted to have kids, i was too selfish to have kids and my husband was also on the fence about children... (maybe someday....but not soon. we have been together 11 years). early last year i got the baby itch and we discussed TRYING next summer....my uterus had other plans and i found out in june i was pregnant. I was scared, excited... a whole host of emotions. My pregnancy was relatively easy, no morning sickness, etc. the last 2 months were hard, i had gained so much weight and my back was killing me and i was moody and hormonal. I was so looking forward to just getting my son OUT already!
labor was 17 hours and rough, with 2 epidurals. i was unable to breastfeed due to complications and that in itself was a major guilt factor for me... i wish i could have done it, but he is a formula baby and now i am okay with that. the first 2 weeks were pure hell for me... i still cant sleep during the day when he sleeps (i have tried and tried) and only sleep when he sleeps in the night (2.5 to 3 hr at a time). he isnt a particularly BAD baby....he isnt colicky.....he is VERY gassy and it causes him 2 to 3 bad crying/fussing jags a day where he is screaming... he is on special formula for gassy/fussy but the past few days he has been fussier.
I am home with the baby all day..... husband got a job the week i gave birth so he is gone all morning and afternoon....
I just wish it was 6 months from now, when the baby is on an actual schedule, and sleeping through the night. i know you shouldnt wish the time away, and everyone tells me they grow up so quickly but honestly? i just cant take it anymore..... i am tired and cry at least once a day..... and most days i wish this had never happened, i want my old life back! i honestly wished today that my husband HADNT gotten a new job (he was on unemployment) so that i would be the one to go back to work and HE would be home with the baby and get up in the night with him.... i want to hand off the mommy/wife duties to HIM. and let me tell you, i HATE my job, so for me to want to go back there.....sigh.
i only have 2 weeks left of maternity leave... and i KNOW my son will not be sleeping thru the night by then. i dont know how i am going to function on broken sleep, driving an hour to work, working 9 hours, driving an hour home, dealing with dinner and the baby and then going to bed! i will lose my mind.... i am losing my mind NOW and i DONT have to get up and go to work.
I feel like an awful mom.....i want my old life back.