Advice for DH stressed about age

RockyMtnMama

My DH is very active - rides/races (a little) mtn bikes, skis (x-country, downhill, backcountry) runs, hikes/camps, etc.  He is only 35 (next month), but he is stressed about the age of our last kid. He keeps saying things like, "We'll be almost 60 when they graduate college.  Will we ever get to ski/bike with the grandkids?!" 

His parents are really young (DH is almost 35 and his Mom is only 55 and dad is 58).  The grandparents (both sides) take our two boys (5 1/2 and 3 1/2) skiing, biking, hiking, swimming and camping often.  Both sets of grandparents stopped having kids in mid-late twenties. 

I try to nicely acknowledge that yes, we are 10-years older than his parents when we are finishing having kids, but we are also healthy and doing ok financially.  He still keeps bringing up how "old" we'll be when the last kids graduates/when the baby will be 30 (and maybe getting married). 

Should I just let my DH process this more (this one is a surprise - we were done with 2) or is there something I can say to help him along?  I honestly don't think it's that big of issue and want to tell him to stop calling me "old" by association, but I think that won't be very productive. 

 

danielle_0330

He may need time to process it.  My mother was 41 and my father was 45 when I was born.  My father taught me ride a bike, climb a tree and everything.  I did not realize that my parents were older until I got a little older myself.  My parents are still living. Together they have 7 children.  My mom had 3 and my dad had 3 then they had me.  With my mom's 4 they have a total of 12 grandchildren and 11 greatgrands and they have not missed a bet.  They are at graduations, weddings, births, scholarship signings, etc.  I am 37 and I have a 21 yo and a 16 yo.  My husband is 30 and he does not have any biological children.  I am not worried about my age at all.

jessandandy09

thats a hard one as me and DH have stressed about it too.  Then I got to thinking, MY grandparents were in their 60's when they took us camping in colorado and we went horseback riding and whitewater rafting with them! Our "later in life" baby is going to keep us young and active and healthy!   I will stay in great shape menatlly and physically for our child and then her children should she choose to have any!  Plus your baby will have the wonderful experience of having two older siblings who are active and with your guidance will remain active parts of your new childs life!

 

*if you check my spelling, you will see I clearly need some help "mentally"* LOL

racampbell1

Meh, I'd give him a little time to realize that age ain't nuthin' but a number!  My parents were very young when they had my sister and I - but my dad remarried around 45, and she had 3 young children (4 year old twins and an 8 year old).  I was whining to my dad about being an "older" mom (I turn 40 six weeks after this kiddo arrives) and he said, well, does that mean I'm OLD, since I have the same gap with step-kids as you do w/yours?  And it made me think, well, no, it doesn't - he's very active and very "young" for his age.  I think kids can keep you young, even though they wear you out   Your DH may just need some time to process that, and it could be the caveman in him (not saying he is one, but my DH was this way) worrying about "providing" for all of his children.  Maybe if you just act blase about it and don't react, he'll realize its not such a big deal.  GL!

benoitfan

People get way too hung up on age.  You are only as old as you feel and it sound like your DH feels about 18, based on his choice of activities and his activity level.  By being active, there is a much greater likelihood that he will be able to enjoy doing those activities with his grand kids when the time comes.  Enjoy being parents and worry about being grandparents in about 20 years. 

Maybe it will make him feel better to know that I will be 58 when my youngest graduates highschool at 18.  I'll be just looking at retirement when my kids finish university.  Hopefully they will start their families after that and I will be able to spend my retirement spoiling my grandkids!

FyreFlyeRush

I know I struggled with it. I was 19 when I had my first one, and I was looking forward to being 37 when she graduated high school. I wasn't planning on more kids. I miss the energy. I miss the patience. But, there's good things to it. I'm a lot more mature now. I have my priorities better straightened out.I make more money. I'm sure of myself and what I'm doing.

Probably the biggest for me is this time, teachers won't try to bully me when it comes to him. I think my age, plus the fact I looked even YOUNGER than 24, made it hard for teachers to take me seriously when DD first started school.

 Let him process it. It just takes time to adjust, especially if baby wasn't planned. I've really gotten over it, but there are still days I just feel BLAH about being 65 when Alien is 30.

EDIT: I can also tell you, I was WAY to young to become a mom. I think 30 would have been better, and I know I'm far better suited to it now than I was then.

stever

I think he's just freaking out because his parents were really, really young when they had him. My parents were 27 and 33 when they had me so being 35 with DS and 38 with this one doesn't seem like a gigantic stretch.

Just give him time to adjust and remind him that by worrying about what happens 20 or 30 years from now he's not really taking advantage of right now.

yale

Why is it always about their age? My DH does the same thing. We are an active family as well - love to ski, golf, camp, etc. We have a 2.5 year old, and with our second coming he's still doing the math. He turns 40 in December, so I'm sure that has a little something to do with it. I just keep telling him our kids will keep us young and as long as we take care of ourselves, we shouldn't have to worry.

J'snewwife

The best response is that just because something is different than what you expected doesn't make it less than 100% perfect for you.  It's also impossible to count on things that are supposed to happen tomorrow, much less things that may or may not happen in another 35 years.  Enjoy the baby.  Figure out the rest later.