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Telling SD About Pregnancy

asulillyasulilly
in Blended Families

I'm newly pregnant and just discovered this board.  I have a unique situation, and I'm hoping others might have a somewhat similar situation.

My husband has a 4 year old daughter from a one night stand that happened 5 years ago when he was living in Ecuador.  There was no relationship, so the mom decided to keep the pregnancy to herself and didn't tell my husband about the baby until she was a month old.  Nice, huh?!  Fast forward a little over 4 years, and SD lives in Ecuador with her mom, uncle, and grandparents.  Last summer, she finally visited the USA for the first time with her mom in tow.  Of course, as if the situation wasn't already convoluted, the mom doesn't like me.  Without saying it, she made it clear that I wasn't really welcome to spend time with her daughter, even though they were staying with my in-laws and her flight was paid for by my husband and I.  I gracefully backed off, because it wasn't about her or I, it was about my husband and his daughter.

Now I'm unexpectedly pregnant.  My husband is going to Ecuador in a month to see his daughter.  The mom does not believe the little girl is old enough to be away from her for more than 15 minutes, so the 3 of them will spend time together (as they always do when he visits twice/year).  He's very excited about this pregnancy and wants to tell his daughter in person, so obviously, the mom will find out also.

I'm so nervous that she's going to shield his daughter from him even more because of this.  I think she's going to be jealous (that he'll be a full time dad to our child) and hurt (that he didn't marry her).

How should he tell his daughter?  How do you tell a 4 year old about a sibling she will hardly know?? 

BabyFruit Ticker
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Re: Telling SD About Pregnancy

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    hopankahopanka member

    If language isn't a barrier, then he should find a moment when his daughter is not around and tell the mother first. That gives BM the courtesy of being prepared for the moment when he's telling his daughter.

    Once that happens, he should tell his daughter in age appropriate words that she will be a big sister to a baby that he and you will be having in a few months. Make it a positive message and more about the little girl than about the actual pregnancy. Spin it as exciting news that she will be a big sister and next time she comes to the United States she will be able to meet her little sibling.

    And since she won't come see you guys more than once or twice a year, be more involved through skype, sending cards with the baby's photo inside, phone calls....etc.

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    FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
    imagehopanka:

    If language isn't a barrier, then he should find a moment when his daughter is not around and tell the mother first. That gives BM the courtesy of being prepared for the moment when he's telling his daughter.

    Once that happens, he should tell his daughter in age appropriate words that she will be a big sister to a baby that he and you will be having in a few months. Make it a positive message and more about the little girl than about the actual pregnancy. Spin it as exciting news that she will be a big sister and next time she comes to the United States she will be able to meet her little sibling.

    And since she won't come see you guys more than once or twice a year, be more involved through skype, sending cards with the baby's photo inside, phone calls....etc.

    ^^ great advice!

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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    asulillyasulilly
    imagehopanka:

    If language isn't a barrier, then he should find a moment when his daughter is not around and tell the mother first. That gives BM the courtesy of being prepared for the moment when he's telling his daughter.

    Once that happens, he should tell his daughter in age appropriate words that she will be a big sister to a baby that he and you will be having in a few months. Make it a positive message and more about the little girl than about the actual pregnancy. Spin it as exciting news that she will be a big sister and next time she comes to the United States she will be able to meet her little sibling.

    And since she won't come see you guys more than once or twice a year, be more involved through skype, sending cards with the baby's photo inside, phone calls....etc.

    Thank you so much!  That is really good advice.  You seem so much more clear headed about it than I am.  Thanks! 

    BabyFruit Ticker
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