Slight DH vent and WWYD: X-posted from Sept 2011 — The Bump
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Slight DH vent and WWYD: X-posted from Sept 2011

There are two 5K's coming up, and I'd like to participate. I think it would be good exercise and would be fun to meet some new people in the community since I'm not from here and really don't know anyone but my inlaws and a few other people. I wouldn't be running the 5K's, but walking.. which is fine too, since lots of people who participate in them walk them. I'd also like to take R with me and let him ride in the stroller while I walk them. The first 5K is before DH gets home... he doesn't get a choice in whether R rides in stroller while I walk it... he isn't likely to get a choice in the second one either, even though he'll be home by then. The second 5K has a 1 mile race that most of the moms with strollers do. I don't want to do the 1 mile... if I'm going to do something, I'm going to actually do it... I want to do the 5K with R.

DH says "If you're going to take R in the stroller, you need to do the 1 mile... otherwise you need to leave him with my mom and she can watch him until I get done running and I'll watch him then." Basically, he's saying I'm "slow"... even though I walk about a 15 minute mile. Yes, he'll beat me by running an 8 or 9 minute mile, but do I care? I'd say walking a mile in 15 minutes while pushing a stroller with an almost 21 pound baby isn't bad. 

I'm definitely not leaving R with MIL. Not happening. She's obnoxious enough without knowing that she's sitting and gloating to everyone about "here's my baby" while I do the 5K. No, MIL... he's not "your baby"... "your baby" is running in the race. I'm also not walkng the 1 mile. R rides in the stroller with me while I walk for exercise, so why wouldn't he if I'm walking the 5K? DH thinks that if I take R in the stroller with me, that he'll get sunburnt.  I plan on putting R in a pair of light pants and a onesie so he'll not get his legs sunburned and I'll put some baby sunscreen on him otherwise. The only option I'm going to give DH is if he thinks he's "so fast", then he can hurry and finish and meet me back at the halfway point and get the stroller and I can walk the rest of it by myself.

I feel like he's trusted my judgement with him not being here, why would he start questioning it when he gets home? He has no clue how things are run around here anymore, and he's likely in for a rude awakening when he arrives home and realizes that A) I'm not one of his soldiers and he will not order me around if he knows what's best for him, and B) I've made it this far taking care of the baby without him, so I probably know what I'm doing by now.  He tried pulling this stuff when he got home from BOLC, and we got into it quite a few times as a result.  This is our first deployment, and I guess he thinks that when he returns home, he'll just automatically be the "head of household" and what he says will go - I don't think so.

Anyway, how would you handle it? Would you give in and just walk the 1 mile, leave LO with MIL, tell him to meet you halfway, or none of the above? WWYD?

 So there's this boy. He kinda stole my heart. He calls me "Mom"

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Re: Slight DH vent and WWYD: X-posted from Sept 2011

  • I would compromise with DH and do a trial run with R in the stroller.  See if he can even handle being pushed (at your pace) for a 5K.  If he does fine, then DH shouldn't have an issue with it. 

    I think it is great that you are wanting to get involved with 2 different 5Ks, try not to let this become a source of stress for you!

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  • I'm fairly confident that R can handle being in the stroller that fast, for that long. Yesterday morning, we went 3.85 miles in an hour (about a 15 and a half minute mile) and he really seemed to enjoy it - and he napped fabulously yesterday afternoon because he was so tired from the walk! Smile  We'd have went over 4 miles today, but it's raining so we're stuck in the house.  He loves being in the stroller - as long as it's moving.  I understand his wanting me to keep R out of the sun and leave him with MIL, but he's not going to be happy in the stroller, sitting still. 

     So there's this boy. He kinda stole my heart. He calls me "Mom"

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  • I have a friend who's husband returns from deployments and immediately jumps in to whatever she's been taking care of. From her perspective it helps him re-aclimate back in to the family. Kind of "nothing to do because someone else has been doing the work the whole time" idea. Feeling left out, slightly less worthy than before he left.. That may not be it but just an idea
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  • I would handle it with counseling, but I'm unwilling to attribute or excuse jerk behavior to/because of deployments 98% of the time.
    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • imagesami1784:

    This is our first deployment, and I guess he thinks that when he returns home, he'll just automatically be the "head of household" and what he says will go - I don't think so.

    I think that this is a very common and "textbook" issue during the reintergration process. Comprimising is probably in the best interest otherwise its going to be one BIG power struggle

  • imagechamaole:
    imagesami1784:

    This is our first deployment, and I guess he thinks that when he returns home, he'll just automatically be the "head of household" and what he says will go - I don't think so.

    I think that this is a very common and "textbook" issue during the reintergration process. Comprimising is probably in the best interest otherwise its going to be one BIG power struggle

    Yeah, we dealt with the issue when he returned from BOLC, but I know this time is going to probably be worse because we are not only readjusting to our roles as a married couple, but now as parents too.  There will have to be a lot of compromising and a lot of long discussions on where the puzzle pieces fit.

     So there's this boy. He kinda stole my heart. He calls me "Mom"

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

    Voted "Mom of the Year" 2012 Sweetpea Mom Awards

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

     

  • imagesami1784:
    imagechamaole:
    imagesami1784:

    This is our first deployment, and I guess he thinks that when he returns home, he'll just automatically be the "head of household" and what he says will go - I don't think so.

    I think that this is a very common and "textbook" issue during the reintergration process. Comprimising is probably in the best interest otherwise its going to be one BIG power struggle

    Yeah, we dealt with the issue when he returned from BOLC, but I know this time is going to probably be worse because we are not only readjusting to our roles as a married couple, but now as parents too.  There will have to be a lot of compromising and a lot of long discussions on where the puzzle pieces fit.

    I am not sure what branch you are affiliated with, but I know the Army has a ton of programs associated with helping couples deal with the transition. Perhaps you can get some information from them?

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  • image*HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
    imagesami1784:
    imagechamaole:
    imagesami1784:

    This is our first deployment, and I guess he thinks that when he returns home, he'll just automatically be the "head of household" and what he says will go - I don't think so.

    I think that this is a very common and "textbook" issue during the reintergration process. Comprimising is probably in the best interest otherwise its going to be one BIG power struggle

    Yeah, we dealt with the issue when he returned from BOLC, but I know this time is going to probably be worse because we are not only readjusting to our roles as a married couple, but now as parents too.  There will have to be a lot of compromising and a lot of long discussions on where the puzzle pieces fit.

    I am not sure what branch you are affiliated with, but I know the Army has a ton of programs associated with helping couples deal with the transition. Perhaps you can get some information from them?

    We're an Army National Guard family and we live 3 hours from his unit.  I know the FRG will be having some Yellow Ribbon activities once the guys get home, but I'm not sure what else will be available.  I'm sure they'll give us more info when the unit gets home.

     So there's this boy. He kinda stole my heart. He calls me "Mom"

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

    Voted "Mom of the Year" 2012 Sweetpea Mom Awards

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

     

  • imagesami1784:
    image*HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:
    imagesami1784:
    imagechamaole:
    imagesami1784:

    This is our first deployment, and I guess he thinks that when he returns home, he'll just automatically be the "head of household" and what he says will go - I don't think so.

    I think that this is a very common and "textbook" issue during the reintergration process. Comprimising is probably in the best interest otherwise its going to be one BIG power struggle

    Yeah, we dealt with the issue when he returned from BOLC, but I know this time is going to probably be worse because we are not only readjusting to our roles as a married couple, but now as parents too.  There will have to be a lot of compromising and a lot of long discussions on where the puzzle pieces fit.

    I am not sure what branch you are affiliated with, but I know the Army has a ton of programs associated with helping couples deal with the transition. Perhaps you can get some information from them?

    We're an Army National Guard family and we live 3 hours from his unit.  I know the FRG will be having some Yellow Ribbon activities once the guys get home, but I'm not sure what else will be available.  I'm sure they'll give us more info when the unit gets home.

     Have you checked out militaryonesource.com ?

     

     

    BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

    BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

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  • I know *exactly* what you're going through regarding the whole "head of household" bit. We're on our 3rd deployment since our 3.5 year old daughter was born.

    With his deployment to Afghanistan, DH left when she was 4 months old and returned when she was 13 months. As much as he thought he could jump right back in to parenting, etc - it was the KIDDO who put the kibosh on that. She wouldn't even go upstairs to her room alone with him without crying. She just had no idea who he was & was nervous. It took about 2 months of consistent teamwork to get her comfortable with him again. 

     And really, she wasn't a BABY anymore and he just was clueless. I think you'll find it will take your DH time to learn the kid's quirks & needs. 

    Good luck! 

     

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