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2nd Trimester
Not sure how to respond to this...
I received an email from my SIL (DH's sister) about my baby shower gift this is what it said...
"Mom told me you were going to register but, I wanted to remind you that I will be giving you the MamaRoo and baby gym that Tristan (this is her 9month old) no longer use."
First off, I didn't ask for these nor did I want them. She has a boy...we are finally having out 1st girl. I don't want to to seem like I don't appreciate any hand-me-downs but, she shouldn't assume we want them. My hubby and I went above and beyond for her new LO to make sure his sister knew how important and special we felt her baby was to us plus, this is my hubby's first LO and he's so very excited and wants his family to feel the same way. Not that I expect something huge at all but, a little something new would be nice for her new niece...it's not like they are hard up for money at all! And she knows we are having a hard time right now.
I just don't know how to respond and not sound snippy...I do not want to sound snippy at all! I'm all about keeping the peace! But once my hubby reads the email (He's in training for his upcoming deployment and can't get on a computer until the end of the week), I know his feelings are going to be very hurt...like his new baby girl isn't as important.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Not sure how to respond to this...
Ummm...you respond, thank you.
I don't get this whole...."this is our baby, people should be excited, give us new gifts".
If you want new crap, buy it.
~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
My IF blog
Round 2, CD1 9/27 100 clomid days 3-7 - bfp!
10/23 BFP! Beat #1 34, Beta #2 154
THIS
I was in a similar situation with my SIL (my husband's sis). She had 4 kids before we had ours and they are much older. She gave us TONS of stuff, even big stuff like jogging stroller, breast pump, boppy, etc. some of it was definitley not our style and nothing I would have registered for, but we graciously accepted it and used some of it. We still registered for the new items we wanted. For sake of keeping peace, I'd just accept what she gives you...she may surprise you with something off your registry, too...
PS - I would have LOVED somoene to give me their MamaRoo! Those are awesome swings!
Just because she is offering to give you something used now - it doesn't mean that she isn't going to buy you a gift. She is probably just telling you that you don't need to register for those specific items.
Seriously, if it is in good condition - what is wrong with hand me downs? It's great if people can pass along things that they no longer need to someone who can use them.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I don't see where it says she won't be buying your baby any new gifts. I would take this e-mail to mean she would like to give you these items she used with her son, but I'm assuming she will also be buying you a gift. I've received hand-me-downs from people, but they also gave use new gifts as well.
I would just tell her thank you. Is the problem that you don't like the color schemes of her items or something? If she gives them to you and you want to buy something else then you can tell her you don't need them or something. I just don't understand why you are so upset by this.
IVF #1 - BFP (6dt)
Unassisted Pregnancy #2 - lost at 15w6d due to T21, severe heart defects, and fetal hydrops
This. Holy crap.
I have never understood why people get so offended when others want to GIVE them something. If you don't want it, don't use it. Donate it, someone else would probably love to have said item.
GL!
When you say this is your husband's first child, but also mention "finally" having your first girl, does this mean you have an older child from a previous relationship?
Unrelated, but the photos in your bio have your and your H's full names and you're talking his upcoming deployment. For your safety, it'd be a good idea to blur out the names.
I didn't know this AT all...thank you SO much for bring this to my attention!!! Yes, I was married before and was widowed when my boys were very young.
She is offering you a swing that is over $200 new, and you are upset over this? She was telling you this so that you wouldn't register for them because she is already giving them to you. Maybe it hasn't occurred to her that you wouldn't want her barely used baby items. Most people would be thankful and move on.
You are going to receive things at your shower that you don't register for, are you going to be snippy in your thank you's to them as well? I would recommend saying thank you to her and leave it at that.
If you don't have the room for it, just tell her.
And maybe your husbands feelings should be hurt, so he'll stop letting his sister get away with crap
Let us know how it goes!
And to everyone else, just because it's a nice and expensive hand-me-down, doesn't mean a person must accept it. For me, one of the most exciting things about having a baby (other than the little one herself, of course) is buying her new things that YOU'VE picked out with love and care. We're allowed personal tastes, and allowed to decline used gifts if we do not want them. Someone out there does want them I'm sure, and they will find a good home. No need to be Judgey McJudgerson
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'd suggest responding with a polite "thank you for thinking of us," and if the gear/clothes she wants to pass on to you aren't usable, donate them to the thrift shop on base.
I'll also say it doesn't matter that she has boys and you are having a girl. As a mom, you know that gear will be used for such a short amount of time that it doesn't matter if it has fire trucks or if it's blue. It won't matter to your daughter.
Nobody is obligated to give you a brand new gift, or any gift at all, regardless of their relation to you, your past gifts to them, or their financial situation. I mean that as gently as possible. FWIW, my BRU gift registry actually says, "Our twin boys will be here by July 11th and we LOVE hand-me-downs." Yeah, we have pink swaddling blankets. I got them for free at our base thrift shop and I'm sure we'll get good use out of them without permanently damaging our sons' psyches.
If space really is an issue and you won't we registering for a huge swing (I'm in the same boat--one bedroom apartment, registered for a portable swing), just thank her and tell her it would be awesome to have the Mama Roo but you just don't have the room for it.
We inherited a blue Boppy bouncy seat from a friend who had a boy, and she inherited it from another friend who had a boy. We also got a pink Bumbo seat from MIL who had it for the last grandchild 4 years ago. We're definitely using both. I don't care what color something is... well, the Bumbo is a gross shade of pink, so we may get a cover for it, but that's just an aesthetic issue. Our daughter will suffer no harm from a very blue bouncy seat.
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This. And I would just take the free stuff. If you really don't want it, you can put it in a closet somewhere and tell her that baby just didn't like them. But it's worth a try to see if he/she likes them.
If the stuff is in good shape then what's the problem?
I have tons of people who have offered to give me their hand me downs. We have no problems with that with some exceptions. We want new car seats to ensure the safety and age (cause they expire), I want a new breast pump (It's something I will use a lot and we're planning on having a second child so I want a new one so it lasts), and I want my own stroller (I have a small car and I'm a small girl so I want to make sure it's compact and easy to fold. Other than that, furniture and toys in good repair are all fair game!
I have a tiny house too so if people offer a bunch of big stuff, we'll have to decline. We bought a swing and we don't need much else, especially until baby gets bigger.
Just say "that's so thoughtful, but we really don't have space for them at our house." Or, better yet, have your H say it so you don't get seen as the bad guy.
TTC Baby #2 - BFP on 12/14/11 @ 10DPO - CP confirmed 12/18/11
BFP #2 on 1/13/12
It shouldn't be an issue whether they are hard up for money or not, they are giving you something for your baby- who cares if its not new?
Honestly, a 'thank you' is in order and you should appreciate even the smallest things. It doesn't make your LO any less important.
First off: Get over yourself.
Second: a momaroo is a VERY expensive baby item. You might want to rethink this. Who cares if it has been used for 9 months or so??? I'm not sure why her having a boy should even matter. Most baby things are gender neutral, unless you plan on going all GIRL. Still!
Third: if you want new stuff, then you buy it. If I were your SIL, I would smack you silly for acting like a jackass.
Emily 8.8.08
Madeline 1.2.11
William 8.5.12
I don't see the problem. I would say 'thank you' and accept it. She was likely telling you this so you didn't register for it and have multiples..
Maybe you'll use it, maybe you won't. Ask if she plans on needing it back for future children she may have, and if it's that big of a deal that you don't want it but don't want to turn it down, maybe donate it to a Goodwill place. I was told I'm being given a carseat/stroller combo and have already been given hand-me-down toys, books and blankets. I'll keep what I can use and I'm giving the rest to charity. No big deal.
Wow, lots of hostility. Different strokes for different folks and different 'tudes for different moods I guess
We have a small house also and have to be conscious of space with larger items. We've been told we're most likely having a girl (75% guess by dr) and when a family member offered us a large hand-me-down item in a boy theme, I said that we'll probably want to get a girl-specific thing in that item and I thanked them a lot for offering! So what if certain people don't care if the specific item is for a boy/girl...some of us do! If I can't use someone's hand-me-down I will thank them and BE HONEST with them, because it's respectful. Maybe they don't want to give us something only to have us give it to a thrift store or sell it on Craigslist. They most likely will have someone else happy to take it if we can't.
If you would have my post saying let me clarify....This was more about my DH feeling ... not that it is a used baby item. I will take anything that friends or family would like to give me and be completely grateful but, that is not his sister's intentions...she wants to start something because the attention is focused on our family right now and not hers. We are starting completely over and have nothing for this new LO.
Little Apple-Your "jackass" comment was completely unnecessary and hurtful. I am trying to keep any stress possible off my husband because he won't even get to be here for our daughter's birth because he will be deployed...doing his job. This is already a huge stress on our family and any little thing, such as a bitchy sister trying to upset her brother that is already upset, will cause hard feelings, which I DO NOT want. I do not care how expense a mamaroo is or isn't...I don't care about the fact that it is has been used for 9 months. She simply trying to slap her brother in the face with giving him something that she didn't even pay for herself or want to begin with to start trouble.
Blame it on your house! That's the best way to go with things you know you can't fit. When you reply, just let her know that you really appreciate her wanting to pass that on to you, but your house really doesn't have the room for that item. I have a small house too and if anyone buys us things we didn't put on our registry, they are being returned because we just don't have the room for big swings or jumpers.
If your husband gets upset with his sister over not giving you guys a new gift, he really should call her and tell her how that appears to you guys (that your LO isn't important to them) and how that makes him feel. No problems like this can be solved by ignoring how someone is hurting you. Even if you feel like she's doing it on purpose, he still needs to say something. You never know, a conversation may be all it takes to change her attitude.
Sorry OP, I agree with this.
I understand that there are hurt feelings between YH and his sister, but much like a wedding, nobody will ever be as excited about your baby as you and YH.
Also, there are other ways to show excitement than through gifts. I wouldn't focus too much on the hand-me-downs. A gift is a gift, not an obligation.
I would just send her an email saying, "Thank you.".
June/July 2011 - IVF #1 - Transfer cancelled due to OHSS
23 perfect embryos. All 23 made it to freezing!
September/October - FET #1 - October 12th - 2 Grade A embies
October 20th - BFP??! EDD - July 1, 2012
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Baby Sweets born on her due date!
You honestly might be jumping to conclusions about your SIL's intentions. There really doesn't seem to be anything in her e-mail which indicates she is trying to hurt your husband's feelings. Maybe other actions/comments have indicated otherwise but the quote from the e-mail alone seems pretty benign to me.....
I would personally be psyched to have a slightly used Mamaroo as opposed to a most likely lesser priced item off of my registery.
i think your pregnancy hormones are working overtime - from your sister's quote, i see absolutely nothing that looks like she's "trying to slap her brother in the face" by giving him a hand-me-down. honestly, most guys don't even care about that stuff. we live in a NYC apt and have room for a swing. we don't have room for big plastic houses and play gyms, but a swing is useful.
if you truly are trying to save your husband the drama, and even assuming her intentions are the absolute worst, then just respond in the most polite way possible that you don't have room but you really appreciate her kindness, and then don't say a word to him about it.
I do agree..If you know she is speaking in another tone in her email then I would just be the bigger person in this situation and just say thank you. Accept the items and who knows maybe you will end up using them. If not im sure you can put them on craigslist and make some money off them if they are in good shape.
But I must say I didnt expect to read so many negative comments.
Enjoy your shower!
I didn't really get a snarky tone from your SIL's email, but I get it. I have a SIL who is a PITA also.
However, what it boils down to is that no response you create will cause her to behave in a manner you find acceptable. That's not a dig. She's an adult. She is going to act how she's going to act. Regardless of what you say or do, she will make as big or as small a deal about this baby as she darn well feels. You can't force her into a level of excitement that she isn't willing to show.
And in general, narcissists don't react well when taken to task.
If you don't want it, say, "Thank you for the generous offer, but we don't need x!"
Used stuff doesn't mean your baby is less important from any rational perspective, and if your husband has such serious problems with his sister that any little thing like this is such a drama fit, then maybe they should a) sit down and work out their problems or b) cut ties. But regardless, YOU should stay out of it, be pleasant and polite and grateful to her. Especially if you're trying to keep your DH's time before deployment drama-free and low-stress.
July 3rd, 2012 ~ Hang in there sweetheart, we can't wait to meet you!
I say she's just letting you know that she's giving you those items, not so much that she's not going to get anything else for your new baby. The plus side of having great hand-me-downs such as these or even duplicate items that you register for, is that you can keep one at a daycare, grandparents or in the trunk for traveling.
I think when there's a person in a family who "wants all the attention" or is "queen bee" we tend to take a defense about everything they say or do. (I know because I've found myself doing that at one point or another) But when it comes down to it, take what you can get as hand-me-downs and say thank you. Or in the e-mail say "I hope we have room for the mamaroo & babygym at the house, if not they'll be GREAT items to keep at Moms!"
This will be my second child but DH's first. They'll be planning a shower because we have nothing for baby as my son is almost 13. His mom has already bought a swing and a vibrating seat, neither of which I would pick out. I'm still going to register for the ones I prefer and be very grateful for the ones she bought becuase they can now stay at her house.
It could be worse, my cousin is so excited that I'm expecting and wants to SELL me all her old stuff....AT HALF PRICE!
(She has 3 boys...I'm sure some of it's decent but I'll humor her and check some of it out but paying half price for used items from a relative is kinda odd, especially since I had given all my stuff as hand-me-downs to other people in the family after my son was born) But everyone is different and I'm sure they need the money so we'll see what happens.
Good Luck!
I'm thinking it's poor wording on her account? She should have said that if you're interested, she has a swing and playmat that you can have. I don't think she meant any harm by it.
That being said, I understand new.
Who doesn't want new? But that is suppose to be a great swing and I would take her up on her offer, especially since not all babies like swings. And a playmat? You can have more than one 
If you're looking for girly then that's one thing, but babies like bright/bold colors (with their eyes not being that great for a while), and if hers is more gender neutral it might be nice to have. 