Does Your DH Play the No-Nagging Game?

StrawberryAlarmClock

I don't know how to "win" this game.  I'm not allowed to remind him - that's nagging. I'm not allowed to calmly do whatever it is I've been reminding him to do myself - that's passive aggressive. I'm not allowed to ask my family or friends to help instead - that makes him look like an ***. All the while he's allowed to say "sure, I'll help do that" as many times as he wants but never actually DO anything. Sometimes for weeks or months. 

Please tell me I'm not the only one whose DH does this crap. Have you found a solution yet?  

ItsSupaFly2U

LOL!! I stopped asking and started getting *** done by myself. As in...on Sunday if he doesnt go get the crib from our friends for THE 5TH TIME I'm prolly gonna have to go and stuff it into the back of the car instead of him taking his lazy ass over there in the truck.

So yea...

chouli77

No offense but that sounds like douchebaggery. You are "allowed" to do whatever you want. I say skip the nagging and get it done yourself. If it makes him feel like less of a man, that's his problem and maybe he needs to feel that way.

StrawberryAlarmClock

ItsSupaFly2U:

LOL!! I stopped asking and started getting *** done by myself. As in...on Sunday if he doesnt go get the crib from our friends for THE 5TH TIME I'm prolly gonna have to go and stuff it into the back of the car instead of him taking his lazy ass over there in the truck.

So yea...

Yep. I foresee you getting that crib yourself of your DH is like mine. 

StrawberryAlarmClock

chouli77:

No offense but that sounds like douchebaggery. You are "allowed" to do whatever you want. I say skip the nagging and get it done yourself. If it makes him feel like less of a man, that's his problem and maybe he needs to feel that way.

No offense taken. You're not calling me a D-bag.

I've been trying the DIY approach but now that I'm getting bigger it's getting harder. For example, really heavy things or using harsh chemicals like the nasty shizz we had to clean the mold out of the basement with after it flooded. And Heaven forbid I ask my Dad. Gawd! 

luvlss1

chouli77:

No offense but that sounds like douchebaggery. You are "allowed" to do whatever you want. I say skip the nagging and get it done yourself. If it makes him feel like less of a man, that's his problem and maybe he needs to feel that way.

I agree. Just don't overdo sweetie. And I hope for your sake, he steps up when baby is born.

thenorris3

My husband was kinda like this when our first was on the way.  I ended up having someone come in to paint the nursery.  I did the rest by myself put the crib together moved the furniture around (i had two neighbors bring the furniture upstairs for me when DH was at work) etc.  I put all baby stuff together strollers,bounce chairs you name it.  At some point you've gotta get it done and if that means calling your dad call him!  Yes your DH might look like an a** but that's HIS fault. 

 My DH and I were discussing names and getting the room ready the other day and he admitted last time it just never really hit him that we were actually going to bring DS home.  Maybe your DH is having the same feeling. 

TechieGirl1

i would try explaining to your DH about how difficult it is for you to do those things, and that you shouldn't be cleaning (with specific supplies) because it's bad for LO.  I know with my DH he might not understand why you may be asking him to do these things, and I know he's completely ok with it if I explain.  HTH!  

SunAndRain

I'd fall over laughing if DH told me I wasn't allowed to do something.

And if DH didn't get something done in a reasonable amount of time, I would hire help.  I work for a living.  I want to live in a home that is put together.  If I can't do it myself and DH doesn't want to, fine. I'll find another way.  That said, DH typically helps out and it might not be as fast as I would like but it gets done.  Comprimise. 

judahsmommy1

Next time you want something done, warn him you'll ask someone else. So try saying, "I've been noticing this really needs to be done and I really don't have the time (or energy/ability because you're too pregnant) to do it. I thought I'd ask you first, but if you don't have time for it, then on Friday I'll call so-and-so and ask if they wouldn't mind doing it for me.

If you're referring to chores and such, the next time you come home and the dishes aren't done say, "It's really way too stressful for me to be in a home that's not clean. And I can't fix food there. I'll be at (insert girlfriend's house or a restaurant, bookstore or coffee shop) give me a call when it's done - maybe we can (insert some enjoyable activity for both of you). If he gives you some reason that you shouldn't handle it that way, then you need to have a discussion about how he wants you to handle him not keeping his word. Because how he's acting isn't a livable situation for you. It's not reasonable for him to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect you to do nothing.

 

judahsmommy1

I thought I'd add that when we went through this, my DH's favorite "reason" that I was handling something unreasonably was either - I should be more calm in a situation and not be so angry because he doesn't respond well to angry OR I was obviously angry, but was "hiding it". I wasn't being honest about my feelings. I couldn't win. I talked it over with my counselor and she suggested the approach that I suggested to you and said that if he brought up how calm I was, be honest with him. The suggested response was, "Yes, I'm very angry. You said you would do something and then didn't and it affects me! But I've decided that just getting angry about it doesn't do anything, so I'm going to do something that gets me out of the situation that upsets me so much and give you the chance to make it right."

It worked well. How do you argue with that?

overtonhayes

I went through this a few weeks ago, although it was NBR: it was related to DH finding work. He was in a really unfortunate position where he was waiting to hear from someone else, who was waiting to hear from someone else; but he (DH) couldn't cut out the middle man and talk directly to the person in charge because of weird old army regulations. The middle man was super-awesome and helpful; the woman in charge was just awful. I tried to remind DH to contact the middle man one day, because he said he would the day before and forgot, and got my head blown off!

Not sure if this applies to your DH, but with mine it came down to a mixture of pride and the way I worded it. I'm one to blurt things out when they come into my head, so instead of "hey, remember you need to call Sgt *Name* at some point today" it was "CALL SGT *NAME*", accompanied with finger-snapping and pointing. He took that as me nagging him and saying he was useless. Was he overreacting? Probably a little, but he was already feeling like he couldn't provide for me and our future child, and I made him feel terrible just because I didn't stop to think for a second and phrase it better.

I'm guessing you're talking about getting baby things, like the nursery, done? I would try sitting down with him and just talking. Start off with "I'm not nagging, but", and just explain that there's a lot that needs to get done, and you'd like to draw up a list of what you need to do and what he needs to do (maybe even take the "you're already doing so much, but I'm excited and want to do things too" approach?). Tell him that when you're reminding him to do things, you are not nagging him, and it helps you keep track of what needs to be done if you say it out loud (that's true for me, anyway). If this applies, tell him there's no shame in having some help from family and friends; or, again, take the "they want to do something, they're excited" approach.

byrne15

Dh did this for our 1st.  My mom and I actually ended up painting the nursery and putting together the stuff because I was sick of asking him to get it done.

ljanette85

I cant "remind" lol  but if he wont do it, then I nag my heart out!!

Blue Pansy

Yeah, there's no "no nagging" rule in our house. I try to keep it to a minimum, but if I need help or if there's something DH needs to get to, I remind him.  We both need things from each other and to work as a team -- it's not like I'm just dead weight here -- so if I need something, I expect him to step up.

I usually say something like, "So I don't want to nag, but I'm really worried about X getting done," and he's responsive to that.  If there are a lot of rules surrounding communicating with your H in the absolutely perfect way, I think that's the real issue you guys need to work on, either independently or with a counselor. 

WhitEm14

Honestly, I'm so happy to read this because mine has been doing the exact same thing. At least I'm feeling better now (not so much m/s) that I can just get it done myself. I've stopped asking. He was so helpful before. I'm sure why the change. Sheesh!!