I'm sure you're busy, but I saw this and thought of you...
https://www.parentsconnect.com/pregnancy/good-comebacks-baby.html
Sorry it's not clicky but I'm bumping from my phone. I thought maybe you could use it for your return to work tomorrow! I've had my fair share of obnoxious comments too, including one co-worker that told me my face got fat not once, but twice...