Update: Because apparently, I'm not family
CFjo2010
member
So the pictures I swiped from BM's and her family's Facebook did not print out well. They are overly pixelated and crappy. So I very unwillingly text BM and asked very freaking nicely if she had any pictures she could email me or prints I could copy for K's photo album. She tells me, "Your husband should have some. At least he used to.". My husband has never had any pictures of K with her mother, or Grandma or any of the Uncles. BM and my husband were never married, and it makes no sense that he would have any pictures of BM's family. I told her we didn't have any and she tells me she gave him "tons of family photos" last year.
Yeah, last year BM threw a temper tantrum and sent a freaking BOX of pictures to our house. Some were of K as a baby and my husband with K. The majority of the pictures however, were of BM and my husband back when they were dating 8 freaking years ago. Who seriously keeps that stuff 6 years after you break up?! So yes, my husband threw out all the "memory lane" photos but made sure he kept any photos that K were in. I again, very freaking nicely told BM we don't have any photos and she tells me she's not going to give me any. Ya know what? Fine. I'm not going to beg BM to do something for K that in no way benefits her or gains her recognition. If she won't just do it for K's benefit, than I'm not going to exert anymore effort on her.
So K's photo album will be full of photos of her with my husband's family and my family. And flame away, but if she asks why there aren't any photos of BM and her family I'm going to tell her that her mother refused to provide any. And yes, I took screen shots of the texts to add to our already overflowing file. I'm not about to let something nice we were doing for K become some sort of ammunition for BM.
Re: Update: Because apparently, I'm not family
I have pictures of me and old boyfriends. DH has a few of his. We have pictures of his ex wives with his children. I don't mind it because it has really has no bearing on me and our relationship. I don't think this is a big deal because we don't make it one. It's just a part of our past. She may have also kept them for her daughter who may want a picture of the her two parents together - I don't see anything wrong with that.
So is this album just something you're putting together for SD? As nice as I think that is, it's not BM's job to help with your personal project. If I were her, I wouldn't be too willing to hand over my personal pictures to you as well. And if you want other family member pictures - ask them. Not her.
Agree with all of this. Use the pixelated pictures, because that's what you have.
DH has pictures of him and his XW, 16 years worth. I also agree that it's something that SS may want to see and cherish one day. I might not like seeing them, but it's part of his past. I even have my wedding pictures still from my first marriage. It's all part of our history.
I think you are handling things so well. Good for you for trying so hard to work with BM and I'm so sorry it has to be crappy. My SS's BM is similar. I hardly interact with her because she's so angry inside, but I try not to let that affect our lives. Good for you for doing what's best for your children - all of them.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
I wasn't "refusing" to use the crappy pixelated pictures, I was just hoping that BM could be mature enough to give her daughter some decent ones for her photo album. As for the old pics, I didn't make my husband toss them, he chose to. I was just trying to do something nice here for my bonus daughter.
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We're actually doing this for my bonus daughter for here since BM is trying to dictate who is "allowed" in K's Family Book. As for her not wanting us to have personal photos, why not? If BM were to ask my husband and me for photos for an album for K, I really wouldn't have a problem with it. In fact my husband is going to tell K to take her photo album to BM's and ask for photos to put in it (our photos will be in it) when we're done putting it together. We weren't asking for photos to frame and put around the house, just for K to put in a photo album of her family. My husband was excited about the idea for K and thought it would help her make her own definition of "family", and include everyone (yes, even the cat and dog) because that's who K put on her list. We'll obviously make due with what we have, but it would have been nice to have pictures if BM and her family to add. Hopefully BM will be more willing to participate if K asks.
P.S. bumping from my phone so I apologize if formatting is funky....
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I'm going to be honest and let you know that there is something about you that makes my blood boil. I find you so over bearing and condescending.
I have already made up my mind that the BM in your case is the reasonable one and that is why I generally don't reply to your posts.
Your threw out the pictures she sent over last year = childish and immature.
You refuse to accept the family book that your SD already did at school so she has to do another one 'for your house' = childish and over bearing. Actually ridiculous!
You have absolutely no respect for BM AS YOUR SD'S MOTHER = low self esteem on your part in my opinion.
You're totally one of those people who believes that just because you married the childs father you have equal rights = wrong!
My life is way to short to have to deal with people like you.
Grow the f**k up lady.
Even if we never married, I would keep photos of my child's father, even if they were "couple" photos of the two of us and we broke up. It's not as if he is some random prom date. My kids like to see photos from when DH and I were dating. That would not change if we divorced / broke up / never married. I think it's more normal to have kids see their parents in happy times.
DH's stepmother/monster threw out all photos of his mother when she married FIL. I think she is an uber-b*tch for doing that (as well as other reasons). If anything, the photos belong to the child.
I would have thrown away the pictures too! And so would my DH. We have a few pictures of both BM's with SS # 1 somewhere but not a box full that one of them gave us. If this box was so important or if they belonged to the child why wouldn't BM have kept them herself?!!!
But I do agree that if you leave the pictures out you are doing the same thing as BM (even if she didn't give you pictures you asked for). I would just drop the whole thing. She doesn't need a book to tell her who her family is. She knows.
Okay. I think this is RIDICULOUS. Granted, BM was being a little petty about saying you aren't real family - going to this extreme to prove her wrong is absurd and it clearly is showing your insecure side. This isn't a competition. Let it go. This is a kindergarden project that has spiraled into a big fuss about YOU. The only thing that it's accomplishing is that it puts the children in the middle - and that is one of my biggest beefs about blended families - parents who forget there is a child in the middle for the sake of getting one over on the other.
STOP IT. Deal with your anger toward BM in another more productive way that does not involve a 5 year old school project.
For the record - you need to see that BM is also playing you a little. After all the cat and dog made it on the list and you didn't. Don't rise to it. Just because BM says or does something to say that you aren't a part of the family - doesn't mean you have to defend it or prove that you are.
Just BE her family. Kids are smart. Like a PP mentioned - she knows who her family is. So would you rather her see you as an angry, insecure stepmom who is always in constant struggle for power with her mom, or one that is strong, kind, and forgiving?
See this as what it is - petty. Just because she's being petty, doesn't mean you have to be in return. Let it go.
Look, I don't know what you saw in anger to vent and what you really mean but go back and re-read your post and then read how many people are taking it. You saw you did not tell DH to throw out the photos but you clearly are happy he did and do not understand why she would even have them. And like someone else said, you you are willing to put the child in the middle to prove your point, I know that BM started it with the book but two wrongs do not make a right and when your SD grows up she really might just remember when her SM made a big stink around her class project. Seriously, see how others are viewing you.
And how much time do you have with SD?
So, I do think you're a good SM to K. I think that you try to treat her as your own, and that your intentions are good.
But, things are going a bit awry here. And I still feel like you're locked into this control thing with BM. It's also a bit like you're bent on trying to show SD that you're a better mom than her mom.
Making a book for your house seems like it's much more about your need to be acknowledged than it is about your SD knowing who her family is. You asked her who she thought her family is, and she included all of you. So why keep pushing the issue?
As for pictures, I kept them. God knows I loathe XH, and really do not look back fondly on my relationship with him. But it's all part of where DS came from, so I've saved them for him. They're at my parents house. When DS is grown(ish), I'll give them to him. If he doesn't want them, he can throw them away.
Wow. I have to agree with others that you are out of line here and putting your sd in a bad position. If you had never mentioned this family book project again your sd would have forgotten about it in a minute... but you are making this into a federal issue and I agree with PPers that your sd may remember that time that her stepmom went crazy over a school project. BM was wrong to begin with, but you are doing wrong now, too.
If exh did what your sd's bm originally did, I would be pissed but I would feel confident in the knowledge that dc knows that my dh's family is dc's family, too. I sense that you might lack this confidence based on your overreaction here.
If you and your dh send that book over to bm's house, and I was bm, it would make me insane because it would show me that you are using my child to prove a point. You're not doing something for her, you're doing something for you. The project is done!!! Take a step back and drop it. She can tell you are her family by how you act, she does not need this book to prove anything. On the contrary this book with further damage your relationship with BM and possibly with your sd.
Thank you everyone for your input. I'm sorry if the meaning behind the album got construed to be something my husband and I didn't intend it to be. We wanted to do something nice for K, that she could keep here or take to BM's. Yes, it did all start because of the little book she's making in class but my husband pointed out that K doesn't have any photos of her mother or mother's side of the family here. My children have tons of pictures of their father, Tennessee Mom, brother, grandma, etc at our home. My daughter pulls them out and talks about different people all the time and shows K the pictures. My husband wants K to be able to do the same. He doesn't want her to feel like she's "not allowed" to have photos here(unfortunately BM won't allow K to have any photos of my husband or any of us over there, owning has caused some tears and questions on K's part). So the album was going to be a project my husband and K work on, I'm just gathering and printing a truckload if pictures. For the PP who asked how often she's with us, she's here 40%.
Again, regarding the old photos I am not the one who told him to throw them out. BM had thrown a fit about K being in our wedding and basically purged, sending a banker box full of old momentos: pictures, cards, moviestubs, etc. maybe he should have kept a few for K, but I didn't think anything of it because I don't have any photos of my ex, just the ones where the kids are in the photos. Any old family photos I had were automatically split between the kids' photo albums. I know my ex doesn't have any because he mailed them all to me after he moved.
MIL emailed me a ton of photos and thankfully there is one of my husband, BM and K when she was first born an a few of K with her mom. They'll obviously be included in the stack of photos to use as well as the super pixelated ones. My husband asked K's Grandma (BM's mom) for a couple pictures and he said she emailed last night. He's still hoping BM will open up to the idea when she sees that there are pictures of her with K in the album as well.
Thank you again for all the input. My husband wasn't happy about using the pixelated pictures but I told him how many of you said to include them and he conceded.
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If you guys insist on continuing with this project, you can also get un-pixelated pictures off fb by doing a 'print screen' when the picture is up on your screen, then paste into ppt. Then crop the picture.
I still think you should just drop it though. Good luck.
This.
And the term "bonus daughter" makes me want to gag. She isn't your daughter as the term bonus daughter implies. She isn't a prize -- hey look! I got a bonus daughter! She is your step child and I agree you overstep your role a lot from what you post. Let your dh deal with the bm and stay out of it.
Yup.
"We wanted to do something nice for K, that she could keep here or take to BM's. Yes, it did all start because of the little book she's making in class but my husband pointed out that K doesn't have any photos of her mother or mother's side of the family here. My children have tons of pictures of their father, Tennessee Mom, brother, grandma, etc at our home. My daughter pulls them out and talks about different people all the time and shows K the pictures. My husband wants K to be able to do the same. He doesn't want her to feel like she's "not allowed" to have photos here(unfortunately BM won't allow K to have any photos of my husband or any of us over there, owning has caused some tears and questions on K's part)."
You state here that she is not allowed to have pictures of you and DH at BMs house and you also state that you are making a book for her to take to BMs house. Why? You state that BM has an issue with pictures of you guys and yet you are insisting on making one to send to her house. Are you clueless that this will have a bad ending, are you trying to flaunt your place in her child's life or are you secretly hoping she will throw a tantrum and throw it out or demand it stays at your house and BM will make herself look bad...at which point your SD will be hurt, and it will be your fault b/c you already knew it would happen.
Make a book if you want, keep it at your house and never mention it to BM again.
And tell your DH if he is so ok with SD having pictures of her Mom at your house then he should have been mature enough to keep the ones he already had for her.
This text conversation may of went better if it was between your DH and BM.
Sorry. I don't buy that this is something you did solely out of doing something nice for K. I don't believe that for a second. This really had you worked up and pointing the finger at BM as the culprit.
Until you resolve the real truth with yourself, that little album isn't going to mean squat to any of you or cure whatever problem it is.
I repeat: it's not a competition.