Preparing our wills...choosing guardians
earthmama2011
member
Okay Moms, how did you choose guardians for your child(ren)? DH and I are really struggling with this but would really like to get our wills prepared.
I know this can be a difficult topic but would really appreciate any advice and things to keep in mind when choosing. We are thinking we'll just make a list of the potential people and then do up a "pros and cons" sort of list for each one. We would ideally like it to be someone that would raise DD as we would but realize no one will do things exactly how we would. What aspects should we be willing to compromise on? Religion, location etc?
I am an only child and it's times like this when I really wish I had a sibling that I was close with:)
Also, did you have a first choice, and then a "back up" in the event that something should also happen to the first choice?
*I live in Canada so I'm sure the laws are a little different*
Thank you all so much in advance!
Re: Preparing our wills...choosing guardians
We haven't prepared our wills yet. (Really need to get on that!) But we have talked to the people we chose to raise our dd just in case.
We chose my sister and her husband because we know they're excellent parents and would raise dd the most like we would.
It was actually an easy pick because we both had them in mind. Our back up is my sil but they have 4 kids already so we figured a 5th might be a bit much. Plus they're much more conservative than we are so that's not my first choice for dd to be raised around.
Only you can know what you're willing to compromise on. Religion wasn't even a factor we considered (although everyone in both our families is pretty much the same religion) but it might be a deal breaker for someone else.
We really need to do this too and are having a hard time. I am an only child and my DH has a brother, who is not financially or mentally prepared to be a guardian. Choosing either my parents or his parents is not really an option either.
My best friend has twin girsl so I don't think she needs another girl!
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We have not prepared our wills yet but I would choose FI's parents because they are great parents and raised three wonderful children. They have been together since they were in high school and are still totally happy and in love (it is important to me that DD have a model like that since I grew up with divorced parents that hate each other's guts.) and they would be able to handle it financially. I would not choose either of my parents because: My dad is much older so he and my step-mom are out. My mom would not raise DD the way that I want, I don't like my step-dad and they are always fighting which is not the environment I want DD raised in, and my mom raised 3 messed up kids with mental issues.
My back-up would be one of FI's aunts.
To answer part of your question we have primary gaurdians (my brother and his wife) and secondary should they choose or be unable to serve (DHs brother and his wife).
Since we have siblings nearby it was obviously different than your situation because we felt both our siblings would be great at raising our children. The difference was that my brother and wife want kids of their own and were more interested and available. DH's brother and wife were hesitant and we didn't want them to feel like they had to do it or be uncomfortable with the possibility.
If we hadn't had siblings then I would have considered a few close friends and thought about pros/cons (where they live, their financial stability although we have life insurance to help provide for our children if we die, their work and life balance, etc). I wouldn't think of it in terms of compromise on issues but rather as long as we felt like DD would be happy and cared for there was no way we'd want to stress about all the particulars of how she might be raised.
Our estate attorney did suggest one thing which is writing down some of the thoughts you have in a formal or informal way (not a how to but a these are things I want for my child) that could be left with the gaurdians and might both be a comfort to you and to them.
I'm an estate planning paralegal, so this is right up my alley. I'm in a similar situation as DH and I are both only children. We selected my parents as guardians first and then his parents as alternates. Think about what will be the least disruptive option for the child if something were to happen.
My parents are getting up there in age, but for now this is the best option for us as she is with her grandparents all the time. We have friends for our 3rd option, but generally you only list one backup. Good luck!
We chose my brother & his wife as primary, and DH's cousin & his wife (my best friend) as backups (DH is an only child).
One thing I would suggest is that A)You discuss it with the people you choose before you decide, and make sure that they are ok with it and make it clear that they are saying yes to any other children you might have as well. You don't want your kids split up. And B)At least in my family, we didn't tell ANYONE except the 2 couples we chose. We especially didn't tell our parents because DH's parents would flip if they knew we chose my family as primary, or that we didn't give them the kids.
We haven't done our wills because of this specific issue. The only family we would feel comfortable having care for him already has three sons under 5 and it would be very hard to add another one to their life.
Besides that, he'll barely know my brother (he lives in Texas) and my husbands family wouldn't raise him the way we would want. It's really becoming an issue for us because of how different our life is from our families.
You should draw up a list of several people. Ideally family and friends that you are close to. Having a second person named can help, but many lawyers don't like doing it.They state that it is rare that both persons will go at the same time.
When you choose, make sure you ask them. You might choose your sister and she might not want to or be too sick to take care of your kids.So having that list may pay off. Also you might change your mind later because of things that go on.
Once they say yes then keep good close ties with that person. You want your kids to know them well enough so that they are not going to have problems adjusting.Also they should respect your wishes in how you choose to raise your kids.
What a toughie. We did ours when we bought our house and had to find guardians for our hypothetical children. We chose DH's brother. He cried when we asked him and he is NOT the sentimental type. It was cute. We chose DH's childhood friend and his wife as back up, again, for our hypothetical children, at the time. Which made him ask: "Wait, that depends. How many kids are you planning on HAVING????" It made us LOL!!
We also picked our best man as the Executor bc he is really good with money matters and super trustworthy.
It was very strange when our lawyer asked: " And how much do you want to give the Executor for his time? A couple of grand?" I said: "We don't have a couple of grand to give him!!!!" and the lawyer replied: "You will if you die!" haha I guess so. How morbid.