December 2011 Moms
MissAmy2006
member
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Am I the only one.........? Q re: getting DH to help w/LO
MissAmy2006
member
It seems as if most of you have amazing DHs. I feel like I am the only one struggling to get mine to actively help me with LO. I am exhausted from constantly having to nag him for his help and really do not want to do it anymore. He knows what needs to be done, so why should I have to tell/ask him all the time? What is your secret?? I am at my wit's end and pulling my hair out over the strain in our relationship. I love DH dearly, and know he works a difficult schedule (retail is a major pain in the arse!) But I work too, and feel like I am running on little to no fuel. I don't want our relationship to crack under all of this stress! 
I need advice from my bumpie friends in similar situations.
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Re: Am I the only one.........? Q re: getting DH to help w/LO
Have you sat down and talked to him about it. I think it takes Dads awhile to get use to the baby. As mothers we carry the baby for 9 months and are always thinking of their well being. With the father they think about it after the baby is born.
I am not in the same situtation as I couldn't even move while being pregnant without him worrying. BUT what I do notice about men, mine included, is they require nonstop complements. So when he does something, even if I have to ask him to, I say "Thank you for changing the baby" or "Thank you for picking up the house", etc. If I don't say it then he says "Didn't I do a good job washing the dishes?" "why yes honey you did!" It is a bit silly if you ask me but for some reason he needs it and now I think he wants the complements so he does things to get them!
The other thing we have set in our house is chores, I will cook if he will feed the baby during that time and clean up after when I put the baby to bed. He is in charge of all the outdoor stuff, picking up the shoes and putting them away, picking up the dog toys everyday and keeping the counters clean from clutter.
The easiest thing to do is talk about it though and come to an agreement. My DH owns his own business so he works late then goes to the gym after so he gets his alone time. Well I have been feeling the effects of not having my own time so now he is taking the baby out on Sunday for a little while so I can be alone or staying home with the baby on Sunday while I leave and go shopping. And he is soon going to give up some of his gym time so I can go instead. It is all a matter of compromise and making sure neither of us is stressed or feeling overwhelmed, but it is hard to admit when you want to do it all!
Nope, I have to tell DH everything. I always feel like I am nagging, but apparently, he likes to be told over and over again to do the same thing. It annoyed me at first, but hey, whatever gets things done. He is supposed to wash and make bottles of BM for the next day and every night, I ask him if he did it. Wish I didn't have to, but I have to spell it out for him and apparently, he prefers it that way.
I make sure he is involved somehow. If I give a bath, he cleans up afterwards. And I have to ask/remind him every time, but he always does it. I BF, so he makes bottles for next day when I am gone and washes the pump parts & bottles. I change most diapers, so he has to empty the pail and restock the supplies, etc.
I agree, this is all about communication. And the more you can preassign jobs the better. My DH will deffinitely help wiht LO, but other stuff is harder to get him to do (and impossible to get him to do consistently) unless the job has been "assigned" to him as his. Otherwise if I ask he may do it, or he may throw a fit b/c he feels like he does "everything" (which, yeah RIGHT!).
You do have to remember that he cannot read your mind. I mean, of course it will be better if we never had to tell guys to do stuff, but I have found I like the results better when I don't expect him to just know what results I want.
I think you're far from alone. There were a few days on here last week that seemed like all the mama's were bitching about the dads not doing enough.
I don't have much to *** about. DH really tries. He gets up with LO, lets me sleep in a bit before he leaves for work, washes bottles, does the baby laundry, etc. However he's truly clueless yet the same. I'm not saying I know it all...but I'm working to figure it out. I have to tell him to play with DS... I have to tell him what basic baby things do (creams, gas drops, etc). It annoys me that I've put so much time in (especially during the 9 months of pregnancy) to research and try but now that DS is here he's just now joining the game. But...as I read other posts on here I learn I've got it good so I don't *** so much.
I'd have a sit down conversation with your DH. Tell him you know he doesn't mean to add stress to you but he is. Tell him it's time to step up. I write things that need to be done on a marker board. It's not really a "honey do" list...but it helps us both keep in mind what we could be doing as we think about sitting on the couch. It really helps DH know what he can do to help me out too. I think it staring at him sometimes gives him some guilt...like he wants to sit down, but knows I have lots on my plate if he gives up for the night.
Unfortunately, my DH isn't around much right now (he's a CPA, so until April 15, he works crazy long hours), but when he is home, I try to make sure he gets some quality time with LO. Sort of by default, he has taken over bath time. I think that it helps to have one thing that DH can take over and be good at. LO is always going to know that Daddy gives him a bath, and they both love it! I try to stay out of it and let DH do his thing. Because I'm not there hovering, DH relaxes and feels more confident.
I also agree with PP who mentioned a "honey do" list. That lets him know exactly how he can help me, but he can pick and choose what he does and when he gets to it.A big ditto to this. I think we forget that our DH/SO's minds work differently than ours. It may be a pain but you have to spell out (nicely) exactly what you need from him. Otherwise he'll think everything's ok and that you don't need help.