Because apparently, I'm not family

CFjo2010

My bonus daughter is doing a Family Book in her Kindergarten class, so tonight before dinner we sat down and made a list of family members.  I figured making a list would help her not only with spelling the names, but organizing her family because children in blended families have ginormous families (seriously, 3 sets of grandparents, tons of aunts and uncles...).  I asked her to make the list, and then when she finished we would work on spelling. 

She brings me the list and I'm not on it.  My kids aren't on it.  My parents aren't on it.  My sisters and niece and nephew aren't on it.  I showed it to my husband and he asked her why she didn't list any of us.  Her response?  "Because Mommy said I'm not allowed to put them in the Family Book because they aren't my real family."  Wow.  You stay classy, BM.

 

emikat

What a terrible example BM is setting.  I'm so sorry you are going through that. You are probably better than me, because I would have said something. I call SS family all the time.  He clearly wants it too, often asking for family hugs and more. I hope you can find a way to clearly have your SD that you are all family, even if it's against BM's wishes.  Because you are. 

Kyah

I'm sorry. BM does the same thing with SS, it sucks. She has even said that SS's cousins are more his family than my daughter (technically his half sister though we don't use "half") I only hope that when SS grows into adulthood he sees how petty and insecure she is

fellesferie

I'm sorry.

You know, though, if you weren't a good SM to the kiddo, BM wouldn't be so insecure. 

Sigir

Thanks stinks!  I feel so badly for our kids - they have to go through so much and it's just not fair.  Kids should be able to just welcome family with love and feel their love, and not be being fed garbage from a bitter ex.  ugh.

Did your DH say anything?  My exh has the same position as your BM about my dh's family not being 'real' to my dc.  So far, dc has not said anything to me about it so he is not poisoning dc's mind yet, but I am ready for the question to come and I'll def set dc straight (in a nice way of course).  I just hate that I know dc has allegiances to her father, and I have to contradict him... I know that probably causes dc to feel conflicted, but I have to tell dc what is right.

I hate this type of stuff and feel for you!

karleegirl

fellesferie:

I'm sorry.

You know, though, if you weren't a good SM to the kiddo, BM wouldn't be so insecure. 

I agree. I dealt with some jealousy issues when bf got married( jealous of sm and ds) but I would never have said something like that to ds. It's not fair to the kid at all.

rjbell08

fellesferie:

I'm sorry.

You know, though, if you weren't a good SM to the kiddo, BM wouldn't be so insecure. 

tifanico:

This!

I think that if BF were to get married, I would feel jealous but I can never imagine saying or doing the things your BM does.

SD will grow up and will realize that you guys are making an effort to act on her best interest. 

Yes!

This would break my heart...I'm sorry you have to deal with that. But...as my DH tells me over and over again: bide your time. At some point the kids will "wake up" and realize what is going on and come to terms with who the real parent is. Biological or not. Continue being a wonderful SM and do the things you do...there may be bumps along the way (especially with BM), but in the end you will come out on top. 

FutureMrsWittig

Sounds like a good opportunity to sit down and talk about what makes a family.  Something like "Well even though we aren't related by blood, we love each other, so in that way we are family..."

How pathetic BM must be...  Sigh.  I'm sorry.  I know how hurtful those little statements can be, even though the kids don't intend them that way. 

CFjo2010

Thanks everyone. Last night was pretty hard, but I stepped back and let DH handle it. He asked my bonus daughter who SHE thinks is family, and of course she listed everyone under the sun including LuLu and Casino (the cat and dog). So he told her to put whoever SHE considers family in her Family Book and not to worry about hurting BM's feelings or our feelings, because it's HER book. Then he sent an email to the teacher listing all the family members, including BM's family, and asked the teacher if she could help with spelling and organizing because there really is so much family. Hopefully that will solve this issue. I started digging out photos of everyone on my side, my husband's side and spied on FB for photos of BM's side. This weekend we can all work in a Family Book that properly includes EVERYONE. 

Im not worried about my bonus daughter too much. She knows my children and I and my entire family love her. And she knows that blood doesn't make family, love does. What does worry me, is the long term effect this will inevitably have on her relationship with her mother. I know she'll grow up knowing her mother is full of crap and that her life would have been easier and more enjoyable had her mother not played these games.  

kali55

jobalchak:

Thanks everyone. Last night was pretty hard, but I stepped back and let DH handle it. He asked my bonus daughter who SHE thinks is family, and of course she listed everyone under the sun including LuLu and Casino (the cat and dog). So he told her to put whoever SHE considers family in her Family Book and not to worry about hurting BM's feelings or our feelings, because it's HER book. Then he sent an email to the teacher listing all the family members, including BM's family, and asked the teacher if she could help with spelling and organizing because there really is so much family. Hopefully that will solve this issue. I started digging out photos of everyone on my side, my husband's side and spied on FB for photos of BM's side. This weekend we can all work in a Family Book that properly includes EVERYONE. 

Im not worried about my bonus daughter too much. She knows my children and I and my entire family love her. And she knows that blood doesn't make family, love does. What does worry me, is the long term effect this will inevitably have on her relationship with her mother. I know she'll grow up knowing her mother is full of crap and that her life would have been easier and more enjoyable had her mother not played these games.  

You have such a wonderful attitude about it!  Just keep taking the high road!   

FutureMrsWittig

jobalchak:

Im not worried about my bonus daughter too much. She knows my children and I and my entire family love her. And she knows that blood doesn't make family, love does. What does worry me, is the long term effect this will inevitably have on her relationship with her mother. I know she'll grow up knowing her mother is full of crap and that her life would have been easier and more enjoyable had her mother not played these games.  

I worry about this too.  But honestly, that's on the moms.  We can only do so much. 

CFjo2010

kali55:

You have such a wonderful attitude about it!  Just keep taking the high road!   

Thanks, I'm trying to.  But to be quite honest there are days when I get really tired of "being the bigger person".  There are plenty of days when I feel like going ghetto on BM and stooping to her level.  While unleashing all the things I've bit my tongue on might make me feel better, it won't solve anything. 

So in the words of Carl Winslow, "3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3... What the heck is bothering me?" And exhale....

TheBuddha

She is hurting her kid and that just pisses me the f@ck off.

GHBEA

OMG what a horrible thing to say to your child BM.  Hope BM has no other children because she will be telling SD the same thing.