IL's are acting like children (long, but if I don't vent, I'll scream)

Ya Never Know

Let me preface this by saying that I know that my IL's are just excited, but they are really making mountains out of mole hills with this pregnancy.

I told DH that I didn't want anyone showing up at the hospital while I'm in labour. I know some families have traditions where family will wait in waiting rooms for hours and hours until the baby is born... and that is not a tradition that I personally wish to uphold, and I have made that clear since day one.

Anyway, DH had not made this clear to his family, and every time they come over, they TELL me that I have to call them as soon as I go in to labour so they can get there, blah blah blah... I get that they're excited about this baby since it's their first grandchild, but I certainly don't like to be TOLD what I HAVE to do to appease them when I'm in labour.

Anyway, being a hormonal ball of "due yesterday", I blew up at DH since he said that his brother would be showing up to the hospital. FFS, what part of NO ONE can't DH understand?!? If his brother shows up there, then for sure, his parents are going to come too, because they will feel entitled..

We had a big fight yesterday, and in the end, DH did end up calling his parents and brother, and telling them that we would like them to just stay home until we call them to let them know the baby is here. There's no reason they need to be there until she is, and I don't want the distraction of them there (or anyone there) while I'm in labour, I think it's already going to be hard enough. I really want that part to just be DH and I.

At the end of it all, they seemed okay with it... And then as soon as DH got to work this morning, they called him at work to tell them that they were all upset. Apparently DH didn't explain things to them properly, and they thought that we were saying they couldn't come to the hospital AT ALL once the baby was born... They tend not to listen very well....... Anyway, once DH cleared that up, DH's mom admitted that the reason why they wanted to be at the hospital in the first place was so that they could be the FIRST ONES to see the baby....

For the love of pete.. again, I get that they're excited, and that this is their first grandchild, but this in my opinion, extremely childish behavior!! Not to mention that they're causing a lot of anxiety for me, and for DH just because of how they feel about the situation. FFS.. it's not up to them. They've been driving me up the wall for months.

DH's mom has got a full nursery in her freakin' house because for some reason she thinks when this kid is born, she's going to be mothering her, and having her over night? If she thinks that, she's got another thing coming. This kid will not be staying over at ANYONE's house but mine until I'm ready to make that decision.

Out of both sets of parents, I honestly thought that mine would be the ones to be all nuts, but they've been so great through it all. My mother doesn't impose her ideals on to me, and I really appreciate that.. she was totally comfortable with whatever DH and I decided. And when I talked to her about the IL situation, she called it... She said that DH's mom was probably just afraid that she wouldn't be the FIRST to see the baby, and in the end, she was right.

I just don't get that. Maybe it's because I'm not a grandparent or whatever, but I can't understand what difference it makes who gets to see her first?!?? Who cares!??? As long as you get to see her, I would think that's what matters... And to make this situation in to such drama for your son and daughter-in-law at a time when they really don't need drama, because you need to be FIRST is just so childish and selfish!

I'm seriously friggin' pissed off at them right now. I don't want to be, but I would have just appreciated if they could just respect our wishes and not have made such a freakin' spectacle out of the whole thing.

DH's parents just do not listen, and they really don't think about anyone's needs but their own. Another example of this is that we told them that we don't really have room for a basinet, and that even the nurse at the classes we took recommended using the crib from the get go. We liked that idea. Well, DH's parents would not have it as they wanted to buy the basinet... so I said, "Okay fine, whatever.. but we need something small because we don't have the room for it"... What do they do? They bought some huge basinet online. I know this makes me sound like a jerk because it's a gift, and I should just appreciate it.. but the thing is 4ft x 4ft, and it's ROUND. It's a beautiful basinet, but we already told them we didn't have room, and they buy this freakin' huge thing. It's in our bedroom now, there's nowhere to put it, and we just end up tripping around it. I can't even put it beside the bed because it's huge, so I'm going to end up having to get up constantly for feedings etc... so at that point, we may as well just put the baby in the crib like we'd planned. I was hoping they'd think of our tiny house and maybe say to themselves, yeah... this basinet is too big, but nope.... I would have been fine with it if it was small and fit beside the bed... but again, they only buy what THEY like, what THEY want to see... Ugh... They just drive me nuts. 

JaiMacreiberts

I'm right there with you ... with most of it at least.

 My MIL and BIL think they'll be at the hospital just moments after I arrive.  Even my mom is trying to tell me that I won't care who's in the waiting room while I'm in labor.  However, I know that once LO is born, they'll want to rush in while I'm bonding/recovering/learning to BF.  I need at LEAST an hour or two before I see anyone but DH and medical staff.  I think life will just be easier for me if they don't get a call until after LO is born.

It's hard to be diplomatic while pregnant and I think you are doing a great job by constantly telling yourself that everyone is just excited.  GL!

Annie234567

I'm glad you vented this.  It sounds like a really irritating situation, and it's good you got some of that out.  I wonder if your ILs are making such a big deal of being "the first ones" to see the baby because they assume your mom will be at the hospital with you and therefore be the Most Important Grandparent. Not a good excuse for why they're freaking out, but it would at least make their rationale make a little sense.  I think, in your shoes, I would have DH not even call them until after the baby is born and you are settled into your room with her, just so they can't add stress by showing up or even calling for labor updates.  I think my own DH and I might do that, even though his parents live far away and won't be able to just show up quite that fast (as much as they'd like to).

Any idea where the bassinet came from so you can return it for money or store credit?  I wouldn't be too concerned about the ILs feelings on that since it's just getting in the way and annoying you. 

Here's wishing you have a happy, healthy outside baby soon!  Stay strong!  Just smile and nod at the ILs' craziness and then do whatever you wanted do to in the first place.  

JulesFo

Well, there are so many in law jokes for a reason, right??

I'm gearing up for baby #2, but I remember feeling some of the feelings you are talking about. All I can say is, try to remember that your hubby also has feelings and may or may not want a little of his family there too. And how you're feeling now may easily fade or change when you're in the throws of labor.

I think as long as you try to be a little reasonable toward your husband (hard sometimes, I know!!), he should have the understanding that he needs to be your advocate and put limits with his family and yours on the big day. GL! 

tqsbride

Ugh, I remember the stress of this when having baby #1.  Vent away, I understand.  You need to set clear guidelines since this is YOUR child, not your ILs.  Grandparents tend to get a little weird, competitive, and territorial for some bizarre reason, one day Science may figure it out.  But limits must be set in order to avoid a stressful delivery and bonding time with your child--I speak from experience and don't want to repeat the same disaster again for my 2nd baby.  GL!!

 

ateal2490

This seems to be a universal issue...there have been a lot of these posts circling around.

 

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with CrazyPants Mcgee....

Personally, I believe its your labor, so your wishes should be respected. Once they give birth to your baby, they can demand to be the first to see your LO. Until then, they should back the eff up. 

ColoRxGirl

Honestly?  I think you might be overreacting just a smidge. Admittedly, I don't know the whole backstory of your relationship with your IL's. Maybe they're super pushy and this is just another example. But, based on what you've written here, they just sound really excited and very much want to be a part of this experience with you guys. 

I totally get that you want privacy with your DH and want to have that precious time after birth with your LO. And you WILL get that - whether or not these people are hanging out in the L&D waiting room. It doesn't sound like they asked to be IN the room when she's born - they just want to be at the hospital. No reason why them hanging out in the waiting area should interfere with your birth. Just tell the nurses you've got family waiting outside, but you'd prefer no one was allowed back to the room until YOU give the OK.  After she's born, your DH can step out for a few moments to let them know the good news and share a few pictures. 

I've heard this concern a lot over the years of my time on these boards. You're not alone. I think a lot of women see trying to control visitors and whose present at the birth as a way to gain some control over a situation that is scary and new (labor and birth). But, most extended family really just want to share your joy. Like you said, this is their first grand baby - a VERY big deal for some folks.  

As far as the bassinet, why didn't you just return it in exchange for something else?  If you keep a gift out of some perceived obligation (and then choose to be bitter), that's on you. Exchanging the bassinet for a more appropriately sized one - or even something else - is your right as the recipient. If they ask you about it, simply explain that it was far too large, but you greatly appreciate the gesture and were able to find xxxxx item in exchange that met your needs perfectly.  Navigating these familial obligations and pitfalls with others is a big part of becoming a parent. Someday, you may appreciate their enthusiasm for this child when you need emergency childcare or a night out with DH. 

JulesFo

ColoRxGirl:

 Navigating these familial obligations and pitfalls with others is a big part of becoming a parent. Someday, you may appreciate their enthusiasm for this child when you need emergency childcare or a night out with DH. 

Very true!!! DH and I used to talk all the time about setting limits with our parents. Now we live 7 hours away after a job transfer, and I would give anything to be able to turn everyone away. This go around, I'm praying they can all make it around the time of the birth. So much changes!

Disneygeek77

Hats off to you for voicing your needs, desires and wants at this time.  I see way too many moms- to-be downplay their own wants and needs in order to make other people happyor to not upset anyone.  Trust me, they always always regret it.  ALthough it  took some nudging, hats off to your husband for finally  saying something to them. 

I think it is very telling that they are making a game of who sees that baby first.  This strange kind of competition will rear its ugly head in the future, so this needs to be nipped in the bud.  This is all about showing love, support and affection you  guys and for your daughter and nothing else.  Not that you would, but please don't reward their bad behavior by giving  in.  Just ignore them.

As far as the bassinet is concerned, I would resell it and not feel a twinge of guilt.  If it doesn't  work for your home, then it doesn't  work for your home.  There is nothing wrong with that.  They gambled when they bought it and lost.  If they didn't want to risk you returning or reselling their gift, then they should have listened to your wishes when they asked. 

cloud9climber

If my MIL could, she'd be in my vagina while the baby was coming out.  Sounds like you should just call MIL yourself and tell her how you feel.  

Heather8888

I dont blame you for not wanting everyone waiting in the waiting room - especially since this is your first baby - it could be hours and hours!!  Just dont tell them when you go into labor.  Have dh call them once the baby is out!   It sounds to me like they are really excited and wanting to be a part of the baby's life.  As long as they respect that you and your dh are the parents and dont try and take over for you this is a BLESSING!!!  Kids need good grandparents and they need grandkids... its a win win b/c you will get future babysitting and support etc... that is if you can maintain a healthy relationship.  I have three kids and one on the way.  Both grandparents live 20 min away and are fairly involved.  It is a godsend!!  Last weekend my mother in law took the kids for a night and I got 11 hours of sleep!  The kids get so excited to see them and vice versa.  Good grandparents are awesome - and while yours sound a little too excited for your liking - they sound like they have potential to be awesome - maybe you can mold them  (by being respectful and firm about what works for you and what would help you the most) and things will turn out ok in the end??

If they are competing to be first to see the baby over your parents thats just stupid. They are both equally important in the baby's life and it doesn't matter who is first to see the baby... that shouldn't be an issue...

The basinette thing- well... maybe your husband can tell them that you love how it looks and it's beautiful but unfortunatly it doesn't fit into your room... Maybe he could suggest returning it and having them get a stroller instead or something else that you would need.   

 

Good luck!  I know its easy for all of us to just say "do this, do that" but I truly hope things work out and you can have a great birth experience and a great grandparent relationship.   

LCLaw3

Totally understand this! I go through the same exact thing with my IL's.  I know some feel it to be overreacting, but honestly, I feel like if you can't tolerate it to the point where you're posting for advice, then it's out of control.  BTW, my MIL also wants to see the baby "first", said she was to be invited to the hospital, bought more baby things for herself than we even have so baby can "sleep over" and even went to our local breastfeeding store to "check things out"...so I get where you're coming from.  Mine actually got to the point where it was getting between DH and me because I kept complaining to him about it all.  At some point you have to put your foot down and set your boundaries.  I am letting it all go right now, ignoring everything she does or has to say that annoys me.  I can't be all worked up over my IL's and their craziness. I suggest you do the same, as you probably have better things to do than to dwell on that.  When the time comes, have DH explain your feelings to her directly, and if he wont or cant, I would just tell her in a nice way to back off (i.e. we really appreciate your willingness to take a two week vacation to watch the baby, but thats just not necessary, we have it all taken care of).  She isn't going to snatch your baby from you so I think your best bet is to stay calm until the actual problem occurs.  Might give you more piece of mind.

RaeJ004

ColoRxGirl:

Honestly?  I think you might be overreacting just a smidge. Admittedly, I don't know the whole backstory of your relationship with your IL's. Maybe they're super pushy and this is just another example. But, based on what you've written here, they just sound really excited and very much want to be a part of this experience with you guys. 

I totally get that you want privacy with your DH and want to have that precious time after birth with your LO. And you WILL get that - whether or not these people are hanging out in the L&D waiting room. It doesn't sound like they asked to be IN the room when she's born - they just want to be at the hospital. No reason why them hanging out in the waiting area should interfere with your birth. Just tell the nurses you've got family waiting outside, but you'd prefer no one was allowed back to the room until YOU give the OK.  After she's born, your DH can step out for a few moments to let them know the good news and share a few pictures. 

I've heard this concern a lot over the years of my time on these boards. You're not alone. I think a lot of women see trying to control visitors and whose present at the birth as a way to gain some control over a situation that is scary and new (labor and birth). But, most extended family really just want to share your joy. Like you said, this is their first grand baby - a VERY big deal for some folks.  

Although I totally see your POV, I feel its very disrespectful for the IL's to know the couple's wishes and ignore them.  Maybe she's overreacting a little bit, and maybe her IL's are legitimately overbearing and crazy.  Either way, OP's the one giving birth and I feel her requests should be respected.

GL OP!

ariawalters

I would call them myself and tell them how you feel. Tell them not to worry they will be able to see the baby. It is not a competition of who gets to see the baby first/last. I made the mistake of not being assertive with my family when #1 was due. I was so annoyed with them I ended up YELLING at them in the labor room and DH ended up asking them to leave nicely. I am glad that they are my family otherwise they may have been upset. It is better for you to talk to them calmly than it would be for you to flip out at them during labor.

jazzcrawford

I went through this with my own mother with my LO. she just showed up at the hospital even though my husband and I told her we didn't want anyone else in the delivery room. 

 

She really just showed up, had someone drop her off so that we wouldn't send her home. Then when I asked her out of the delivery room so that my DH and I could be alone she created a huge scene. Called my siblings and caused all this drama. She didn't see my daughter until she had been home for almost 2 weeks. My brother called me 3 days later to chew me out because of whatever my mother told him so then my brother and husband ended up getting into an argument.................  

 

At the end of the day if you don't want them there it's your body, your decision. Let the hospital staff know that you don't want a soul in Labor and Delivery with you and don't notify a soul that you're in labor.

This time around, all they're getting is a text message of a funny looking new born.  

MotherMonster

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! I would be extremely upset too! I don't think you're overracting at all! It's your birth and you want things to go the way it needs to so you're at ease with family visiting after birth. Do what you want mama! 

My mom was worried about that with DH's family, but my MIL is way better than my mom actually. His mother has always asked if it was okay or not. She only wants to be in the waiting room and when I'm ready she would like to come see us after Pnina is born. I told his mom she can actually be in the room, because the rooms are huge and there's plenty of space, but I love that she asks. 

My friend is having some birthing and after baby issues with her IL's too, but they want to be flown out half way across the country (His parents want my friend and her DH to pay for it) and when they get to her and her DH's home, they want to get "drunk" after she has the baby (She's having a c-section)....That was her MIL's word specifically...since my friend will be in the hospital, her IL's don't see why it's a big deal if her DH and his family go get "drunk" the night she has their daughter...So she told her DH she will have them banned from the hospital if they really think that's okay! 

You do what you want mama and don't feel bad! It's about you and your little one being comfortable and being healthy! 

babyruth88

cloud9climber:

If my MIL could, she'd be in my vagina while the baby was coming out.  Sounds like you should just call MIL yourself and tell her how you feel.  

hahaha this exactly. I know my mil is excited but she is driving me nutty over it. I have decided to just stand back wait till after all the hormones and then deal with it all

livinreality

Just remember to be nice to the nurses! Although you can not really control the waiting room, you can control your room and they are there to help!  Let them know when you are ready for visitors. 

With DS my MIL sat in the waiting room all day + 2 hours after birth just to see DS and was very upset my mom was in the room for delivery.  Such is life but the nurses were very helpful at keeping her in the waiting room.

92405bride

Just wanted to say I can relate to the need to vent - luckily my in-laws and parents are pretty normal but I was also due yesterday and am going a bit crazy. Throw that into the mix with crazy demanding in-laws and yes, your vent is definitely appropriate! I also say don't even contact them when you're in labor at all. I didn't tell anyone with my 1st mostly because I wasn't even sure I WAS in labor until I checked into the hospital at 1am and was told I was 6cm. 

dojo1

I don't want to justify your in laws behavior, but I can comment on the me first issue with seeing the baby...

When my sister had my niece it was the first baby on both sides.  Everyone was so excited and thrilled that we were finally going to meet this little person who was already the love of all our lives.  We waited at the hospital and we were all going to go in together to see her for the first time.  My sister's MIL snuck off for 45 minutes going to the "bathroom" meanwhile she was actually waiting outside the labour room.   She got the first glimpse of the baby and came back to report to everyone that the baby was born.  

My family was deeply hurt that we were robbed of the experience of meeting her all together and that my sister's MIL got to announce the birth rather than my BIL.  I haven't forgotten this and frankly, even though my niece is 2 I'm still a bit upset over it.

I think being excited about the baby and wanting to be there first kind of go hand in hand for me. I guess I'm petty but if my sister had another baby I will have a serious pit in my stomach if I'm left out of the first viewings.... Though I would of course respect her wishes if that's what she wanted. 

vanillacourage

Just don't call anyone until you're ready for visitors.  Problem solved.

jami1006

DO-JO:

When my sister had my niece it was the first baby on both sides.  Everyone was so excited and thrilled that we were finally going to meet this little person who was already the love of all our lives.  We waited at the hospital and we were all going to go in together to see her for the first time.  My sister's MIL snuck off for 45 minutes going to the "bathroom" meanwhile she was actually waiting outside the labour room.   She got the first glimpse of the baby and came back to report to everyone that the baby was born.  

 

That is crazy!! I'd want to smack her.