Rant... (REALLY LONG- sorry!) — The Bump
Adoption

Rant... (REALLY LONG- sorry!)

Hey everyone. I know I haven't posted much, I suppose that until PRIDE training is over I will kind of remain in "lurkerville" as I don't typically have much to add. I am however on here multiple times a day reading posts- especially when I have just a second or two to spare. <br>

My post tonight is kind of bad etiquette and I apologize upfront for that, but it is also something that not many other people can appreciate- so I hope you don't mind if I kind of vent and tell you about yesterday's events... <br>

So yesterday was my nephew's birthday party, so naturally my dh and I attended. On our way up to the party DH's younger brother (29years old) calls and asks for us to pick him up because his girlfriend has decided she isn't feeling well- at the last second. We have been feuding silently with them for a minute now (AKA; they say what they want and we try not to fight with them, so end up saying nothing). <br>

DH doesn't hesitate when agreeing to pick him up despite them having two vehicles, one of them being brand new less than like 100 miles on it, and us having a 2 door car. I had already been dreading putting up with their comments, this only increases my level of dread since now I will be stuck in a car with him as well. <br>

Sure enough no sooner was DH's brother in the car than he started in on how us being foster parents is a "stupid idea" and how we have "no business taking in kids that are all messed up..." it got worse than that but you get the jist. He and DH lived down the street from a foster family while growing up and had contracted every single possible negative stereotype known to man, unfortunately DH's brother will not be shaken by silly trifles like logic- he has his opinion and that's that. This most likely wouldn't bother me at all except that This is DH's best friend. They are so close and have been all their lives, that it causes serious tension between DH and I, when we are feuding. <br>

Now, once upon a time the four of us did nearly everything together because they have been together exactly a month longer than DH and I have been, so without thinking twice about it DH invites his brother to dinner after the party, and then his brother invites his gf (30 years old) ... Great! Even more time spent with people who can not and will not hear logic or reason... awesome! (can you feel the sarcasm?!) <br>

When we get to dinner the gf (who is basically my sister in law) can not even hold a conversation. I ask how her new job is- One word response. I ask how she likes the brand new car- one words response. Finally I ask what her deal is (knowing what her problem was all along but trying to be nice) and she says that she can not have a conversation with us because she isn't allowed to say what she wants... DH and I look at each other and tell her to have at it, because otherwise her sitting here not talking is a waste of time and energy; so if you can't even be cordial then get whatever it is oof your chest until you can be.... <br>

The converstion gets increasingly tense and worse from there... in the midst of the conversation we express that besides all the good we hope we can do as foster parents, we would also like to make sure that at the end of the day we get to be parents- in whatever manner needed. She shoots off and says that: "if the fertility treatments aren't working then obviously there is a reason and we are just not meant to be parents." I tell her that we are not going to let THEM dictate that decision for us... she then gets angrier and says that if we bring them to family events that she will be: "too uncomfortable to attend- and that she has spoken with all of DH's family, and they all agree. Furthermore, she and DH's brother will not have anything to do with us until we stop all the fostercare non-sense and realize how out of control we have gotten..." (she considers preparing for foster kids, by buying beds, etc to be "out of control". <br>

Eventually I told both of them that if they wanted to pay for our IVF then we would more than happily take their money and give it a shot but that otherwise they have no control over the situation. That shut them up for a minute, but not for long... Then they dug back in to how they will only accept a bio child and that stands for DH's entire family, and how we shouldn't be parents anyways because we don't fight in front of people- that we are: "secretive" about it (because we go into another room, or to the car, etc), and because I am "super controlling" (AKA: I got with DH when I was 18 and for some reason no one taught him that it was rude not to say excuse me when burping etc, and since he learned to have manners obviously I am controlling), and how we might: "end up with a bipolar baby- then what?!" (To which I replied that my mother is bipolar so we might have better odds of avoiding it with fosterchildren!). <br>

So, after all of that, here is my point- when I first brought up the idea of fostering to DH he was NOT on board... it took a lot of time, fertility treatments, a miscarriage, and a ton of soul searching before he finally got on board. I am exhausted from educating him... I don't want to have to educate his entire family as well. I know I have to. I know that what they say doesn't matter and that if they feel like that then we just won't bring them around our kids, but at the end of the day it might actually hurt DH less if I just cut his arm off without pain killers... DH has made it clear in no uncertain terms that this is what will happen if it comes down to it, but I don't want to see him go through that. Not to mention what am I supposed to tell the CW's and licensing specialists?! "Ummmmm yeah, DH's family is the only family within driving distance to us but they don't want anything to do with foster kids so we are completely on our own- that a great support system... right?!" <br>

And... more than anything else I am just furious. I wanted to explode!! How dare they say things like that to us?! Who do they think they are?! DH and I are still cycling while doing fostercare and after having the dinner with them I came home and decided to take a bc pill so that they never get anything from us except for foster kids and they HAVE to adjust... DH stopped me but I can't help thinking that with some people you just kind of have to throw them in the deep end and tell them to sink or swim, ensuring that I don't get pregnant would do that job nicely IMO... last thing I need is to get pregnant and then hear: "thank god now you can drop all that nonsense and be real..." <br>

Please someone tell me you went through this and it turned out fine in the end... their preferred ignorance makes me insane!! Thank you all for reading, I am sorry it is so long... I just don't know who else might understand... <br>
"Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
Me: 26 DH:31
After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
Come on forever child- find us! :)
P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
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Re: Rant... (REALLY LONG- sorry!)

  • What you said is exactly what I would say to them "who do you think you are to tell us we should not be parents?" I can't believe people honestly still think these things. I would tell them there is a child in the world who needs a home and a higher power allowed us the opportunities necessary to have a home for a child we just have to be more creative to become parents. If your family is religious at all. Also check out adoptuskids.org. I think when they see the videos and pictures they will understand kids from all backgrounds come into care not just kids with mental illness.
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  • Unbelievable!  Heaven help the child BIL and gf ever have!  

    Ultimately, you are making a loving decision in the best interest of your family (you and your DH and your future children).  And ultimately, nobody controls that but the two of you.  It's sad that DH's family can't see past their own ignorance and/or pride and will miss out on the love of a child.  Sad for everyone involved.  I'm so sorry you had to hear their rants and have to manage relationships like this.  

    I wonder what they think they're trying to accomplish by behaving this way.  I mean, honestly, do they think they're protecting you?  I have heard of plenty of people who are uncomfortable with adoption making rude comments and being unsupportive, but this is over the top.  I'd love to know what the point is of all their energy being spend on how YOU grow YOUR family.   

     

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    <font color="orange">~P/SAIFW * Pg/PALW~</font>
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  • Foster kids have problems,well taken care of children that end up in foster care the exception. I think underneath all the rudeness is concern. Also, if they have children, or if there are young children in the extended family, they may be concerned for their safety. Family get togethers can no longer be relaxed but they have to be ever hyper vigilant for over their children. Im sure you've been to foster classes or will be going, and are going into this with eyes wide open. They will come around in time.
  • image Kitttkattt:
    Foster kids have problems,well taken care of children that end up in foster care the exception. I think underneath all the rudeness is concern. Also, if they have children, or if there are young children in the extended family, they may be concerned for their safety. Family get togethers can no longer be relaxed but they have to be ever hyper vigilant for over their children. Im sure you've been to foster classes or will be going, and are going into this with eyes wide open. They will come around in time.

    It's funny you mentioned this, because I actually stopped during the worst part and told the gf that I was actually GLAD that she was concerned since that is just showing how much she cares about us- before I could even finish I was cut off and told that this wasn't about her caring but rather that she refused to be around these kids, and that she wouldn't be saying anything at all except it looks like we might be "stupid enough to go through with it..." They have no children. DH's older brother has children (2) and they are ages 8 and 6. They are not around that often because of a less than prime joint custody arrangement, and we are only accepting children up to 4years old... I don't think this is going to be an issue. I like to err on the same side as you kitttkattt, but this time... no dice. 

    "Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
    Me: 26 DH:31
    After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
    We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
    Come on forever child- find us! :)
    P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
    [IMG]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l181/lady_chance_99/4.jpg[/IMG]<img src=http://i40.tinypic.com/nvy0c8.jpg>
  • image Nineoceans:
    What you said is exactly what I would say to them "who do you think you are to tell us we should not be parents?" I can't believe people honestly still think these things. I would tell them there is a child in the world who needs a home and a higher power allowed us the opportunities necessary to have a home for a child we just have to be more creative to become parents. If your family is religious at all. Also check out adoptuskids.org. I think when they see the videos and pictures they will understand kids from all backgrounds come into care not just kids with mental illness.
    This was pretty much our rebutal as well, except we went the route of "there are a lot of kids that need nothing more than a safe home. We feel morally obligated to provide that for a child whether it be for a day or a year or forever. Say what you will about our parenting skills (which haven't been seen at all yet) but at the end of the day we will be a safe place for these kids to land, and society will be one child better for it."

    On the second part I just wanted to mention that this is a great idea and possibly something I will be talking to DH about in order to try again to educate his family. Thanks for the suggestion!

    "Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
    Me: 26 DH:31
    After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
    We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
    Come on forever child- find us! :)
    P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
    [IMG]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l181/lady_chance_99/4.jpg[/IMG]<img src=http://i40.tinypic.com/nvy0c8.jpg>
  • image fredalina:
    Wow, there's so much there I may have to stew on it and then reply again later. But first I want to tell you that your BIL's girlfriend does NOT represent the whole family, and I hope you will not let her. I hope your DH will speak with his parents and extended family, individually and lovingly, and ask for their support. I also think you should have another (private) dinner with those two afterward and vow to stay calm, but say, "We heard you out last time. You do not like the idea of us being foster parents. You got to say a lot of things, woke of them very hurtful, and we listened. But at the end of the day, it is our decision, and it is how we choose to grow our family. If you cannot support us the way a brother should, even if you aren't "comfortable" with it, then we wish you the very best and we hope someday you'll want your brother and his family back." I'm so pissed right now just thinking of it!

    I felt cornered by the comment, DH didn't. We asked out right who they had been talking to they said; "everyone including ____ (DH's older brother(36years old), the one whose son's brithday we attended)." DH actually saw it as a challenge, kind of like- we got to them first now try to talk them into accepting this... DH actually stated that we may have to do some actual "campaigning" in his family instead of taking a relaxed approach and just trying to educate and let people simmer on it.

    Addressing the second thing, another dinner: we have had many arguements with them before (about a lot of different topics) and that's the stance I have taken. DH used to be jello when it came to standing firm because at the end of the day he loves his brother unconditionally and truth be told we even love his gf. I have to say, that after years of having my husband be jello when it comes to following through with stuff like accepting that THEY are CHOOSING not to be a part of the life we are making- I am kind of reaping the benefits now... he understands it now, and he's holding strong! I am seriously impressed with his level of comfort with the situation, knowing that his brother and gf will need to decide what they are more comfortable with- us having foster kids or them not having us (okay, fine- DH) in their lives... DH and his brother are too close for this to be a long term wedge... we hope.

    Anyways, on to the point- which was, I doubt if we will be having another dinner anytime soon. They didn't even say goodbye when they left. I am just going to do what is best for us, and try to ignore the tension (which I typically fail miserably at). I will take my kids to the family events (unless told otherwise by DH's mother etc, in which case we will not be attending) and the gf can either be uncomfortable or not attend... either way it's their choice. I wish having a second dinner with them was possible, but with this couple... it's just not. Thanks for the support!

    "Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
    Me: 26 DH:31
    After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
    We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
    Come on forever child- find us! :)
    P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
    [IMG]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l181/lady_chance_99/4.jpg[/IMG]<img src=http://i40.tinypic.com/nvy0c8.jpg>
  • image EclairAngst:

    Unbelievable!  Heaven help the child BIL and gf ever have!  

    Ultimately, you are making a loving decision in the best interest of your family (you and your DH and your future children).  And ultimately, nobody controls that but the two of you.  It's sad that DH's family can't see past their own ignorance and/or pride and will miss out on the love of a child.  Sad for everyone involved.  I'm so sorry you had to hear their rants and have to manage relationships like this.  

    I wonder what they think they're trying to accomplish by behaving this way.  I mean, honestly, do they think they're protecting you?  I have heard of plenty of people who are uncomfortable with adoption making rude comments and being unsupportive, but this is over the top.  I'd love to know what the point is of all their energy being spend on how YOU grow YOUR family.   

     

    Best part of all of it? GF has a mental illness! Its managed with prescription drugs but still... seriously?! You are sitting here talking to us about blood being thicker than water and how these kids could have mental issue (ignoring the fact that my family history has mental health issues) and YOU, yourself have the very issues you are concerned about?! Ever heard of the pot and the kettle?! Ugh.

    I even tried to be creative; she is obsessed with her dog, so I jokingly told her; I don't know what your problem is with adoption- your dog is adopted!! She then went off on me about how I shouldn't compare a dog to a child... which obviously I wasn't trying to- I was merely making the point.

    On the topic of how we grow our family; This is the best part for me... just a year or so ago they didn't even think we should have biokids! We fought with them then about it, and now they are all on board for bio's as long as it means we drop this "nonsense". Even through dinner they brought up issues with this as well; our parenting (which they have never seen), our finances (which they have no clue about), our house being dirty (well gf is diagnosed OCD cleaner/germaphob- so she has unrealistic expectations), etc etc etc. The list goes on and on- we just should not be parents, but if we HAVE TO- well... then at least have enough common sense to quit trying if we can't do it on our own... Angry

    Seriously, it makes me so angry and completely insane! I am actually scared to death that I am somehow going to get pregnant and then have to have this fight while pregnanat and listen to their ignorance. Worse yet is that I know DH will put a freeze on everything until the baby is born, due to us having a loss before... It's literally like banging my head up against a brick wall. Thanks for all the support.

    "Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
    Me: 26 DH:31
    After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
    We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
    Come on forever child- find us! :)
    P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
    [IMG]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l181/lady_chance_99/4.jpg[/IMG]<img src=http://i40.tinypic.com/nvy0c8.jpg>
  • *bump burp*

    "Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
    Me: 26 DH:31
    After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
    We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
    Come on forever child- find us! :)
    P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
    [IMG]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l181/lady_chance_99/4.jpg[/IMG]<img src=http://i40.tinypic.com/nvy0c8.jpg>
  • image fredalina:
    OP, the more you post, the more I become convinced that your BIL's girlfriend is a truly destructive person. Good riddance from your life but I certainly hope you don't lose the rest of the family over it. Definitely talk to them about it.
    I wish there was a "like" button (which probably means I spend WAY too much time on fb! LOL)
    "Live your life with no regrets and you won't miss so much of it looking back."
    Me: 26 DH:31
    After a m/c, a year of failed treatments with an RE, and a failed surrogacy option, we are grateful to open our home, heart, and lives to foster children.
    We are hoping to adopt when the timing is right.
    Come on forever child- find us! :)
    P/SAIF DEFINATELY welcomed!!!
    [IMG]http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l181/lady_chance_99/4.jpg[/IMG]<img src=http://i40.tinypic.com/nvy0c8.jpg>
  • Oh my goodness! I feel so terribly sorry that you are in this insane situation! And I can't believe she said "well if the IF treatments aren't working, then you aren't meant to be parents." UUGGHHHH! I couldn't imagine anyone saying that to my face. How horrible for you and DH, after all you have been through. 

    Geez. Fedalina is right. Good riddance to those two. :-(

    Maybe soon they will grow up and learn to be productive members of the family, but I wouldn't want them around my children if they choose to act this way. I wonder, is their goal in "refusing to accept" these children, to make life harder than it has to be for a couple of innocent kids? Because that's what the result will be. Good grief! How juvenile. 

    I would have said "So, seriously? Your plan is to be spiteful and rude to small children, because you aren't getting your way?" Your foster children might end up being more mature than your BIL and his GF! LOL

    Good luck with everything! I think eventually they will have to realize that their behavior crosses the line.  


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  • Kitkat that is pretty ridiculous- kids also come to care because their family members die, go to prison before their birth, a sibling is abused but they are not etc etc- there are hundreds of thousands of kids and therefore hundreds of thousands of reasons why they come into care. Let's not perpetuate stereotypes about children who need homes.
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