Infertility Veterans

It hit me today

Honestly, I thought I was taking my BFN pretty well. I cried when I got the call, but then I tried to stay strong for DH. I then had to make it through the work week because I could not call in and had a lot to get done. I went out with friends all weekend and did a lot of "self medicating" with wine. 

Today I went to a bridal shower for my cousin. I knew it might be a bit hard because I found out my other 20 year old cousin had an oops and was 6 months KU a few days ago. I was upset by it, but knew there would be a lot of people there so I went. Bad idea. I don't know what happened. I started having a complete melt down. Part anxiety, part complete and utter sadness/hopelessness. I ended up having my mother and aunt help me sneak out. I didn't want to leave but I could.not.stop.crying.  

I am doing better now that I am home, but I hate what this has turned me into. It's good I am not cycling right now. I just have no hope and feel completely weak. Thanks for listening ladies. 

AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
TTC since March/April 2010
DX: MFI - less than 1 million sperm, 26% motility
DH put on anastrozole to increase counts
June/July 2011 100 mg Clomid + TS IUI#1 & IUI 2 - BFN :-(
Forced break due to DH getting spinal surgery in August 2011
IVF - January 2012: BFN
FET in April 2012 - BFP at 6dp5dt! Beta #1 at 9dp5dt: 82.5, Beta #2 at 12dp5dt: 352 Beta #3 at 19dp5dt: 6000, saw heartbeat and one little bean at 5W6D!
After nearly 3 years of waiting our LO was born December 18th 2012!
image

Re: It hit me today

  • I'm sorry you're having a rough day.  IF sucks in so many ways (((hugs))).
    Me: 35 DH: 37 TTC since 4/2010
    DX: 6/9/2011: Azoo ICSI/IVF only option for biological child
    IVF #1: ER - 9/26 * ET - 10/1 * beta#1 10/13 - 140 * beta#2 10/17 - 477 * beta#3 10/20 - 1101
    1st u/s at 6w6d - one hb * 2nd u/s at 8w3d - no hb detected 11/10/11 * natural m/c 11/13/11
    FET #1 Jan/Feb 2012 - 3 delays - cancelled 2/13
    FET #1.2 - May/June 2012 - ET 6/6/* beta#1 6/15 - 95 * beta #2 6/19 - 322 * beta #3 6/22 - 940
    7/6 1st u/s @ 7 weeks - one beautiful hb - released from RE
    EDD 2/22/2013
    PAIF/SAIF/PGAL welcome
    imageimageimageimage
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • (((hugs)))  I am so sorry.  My BFN snuck up on me too... it's like, it hits you, then you think you're better, then you realize you're not, and in some ways that's even harder.  I think any kind of loss, heartbreak, or trauma works like this...  I remember after a breakup with my first boyfriend thinking "I'm so amazing!  I'm over men!  Nothing can hurt me!"

    And then turning into a puddle of mush all over again a few days later.  

    (((hugs)))

    Severe MFI. Me: supposedly all clear but eggs showed vacuoles.

    IVF #1 January 2012, ER Jan 14th: 34R, 27M, 23F. Day 3: 18 embies still strong. Day 5: zero "good," one "fair," the rest "poor." Transferred 3. None made it to blast or to freeze. Jan 28: BFN.

    Lucky IVF #2: Transferred two beautiful day three embies on St. Patrick's Day. BFP on HPT 7dp3dt. Beta 1 (14dpER)=106; Beta 2 (16dpER)=140; Beta 3 (19dpER)=264! First u/s 4.17.

    imageimageimageBabyFruit Ticker

    Hope is the thing with feathers - that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without the words - and never stops - at all - (Emily Dickinson)

  • Loading the player...
  • ((HUGS))

    it just sucks

    you need to grieve cutie

    image
    Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, It empties today of its strength. ~Corrie ten Boom
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher (thank you beadinglady)

    It's been a long journey. TTC since 9/06. multiple IUI's and IVF's and 4 m/c's. IVF#3 = BFP, twins, induced at 34w6d due to baby b passing away (no explanation). Delivered on 35w1d, Baby A - baby girl, and Baby B - baby boy, our little angel.
    MTHFR A1298C & C677T, Immune Issues and Factor II
  • It totally sucks and I find large gatherings that I have to make small talk to be the worst.  It always ends with someone talking about pregnancy or their kids.  I have melted down in quite a few bathrooms recently.  Let yourself feel what you need to feel.  Hugs!
  • (((hugs))) hun, I'm sorry! 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I am sorry, I hate situations like that when u feel so vulnerable and can't control your emotions. Sometimes the tears flow at the worst moments. Hope you are okay!
  • I'm sorry you had a rough day. I think it's normal, but still sucks, to get overcome with all that emotion for some time following a failed cycle. I'm glad your mother and aunt were there to help.
    TTC #1 since June 2010
    Me: 36, DH: 42
    Dx: DOR and MFI

    DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
    Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal

    IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
    IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
    DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
    DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!

    SAIFW/PAIFW
  • I'm so sorry ((BIG HUGS))
    TTC 12/2009
    Me: 32 - Stage II Endo / DH: 36 - Low count and morphology (1%)
    IUIs 1-3 BFN, lap Dec. 2010, IUIs 4-6 BFN
    IVF w/ICSI #1 - ER 2/8: 24R 19M 9F ET 2/13 2-5 day blasts (no frosties) = BFP - b/g twins!
    E & C Born 10/19/2012
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • (((HUGS))))

    I'm so sorry.  It just sucks. 

    IVF #3 = Feb 2012
    beta#1 3/21 (14dp3dt)=413, beta#2 3/23 (16dp3dt)=785, u/s 4/11
    EDD 11/25/12
    **SAIFW** Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"