Telling Family and Friends

Blsd4given

Good afternoon, ladies.  I've been lurking on this board for a few months now... sporadically at first and almost daily now.  I'm not necessarily doing an intro right now...as I'm not sure that I fit in quite yet.

 I have a question that I've been contemplating since DH and I started really thinking about adoption.  My parents and my best friend know of our struggles trying to conceive - but only in limited detail.  My sister know we went to an adoption/fostering conference today - but that's it.  Neither groups know both sets of details.  I'm a private person... and, to be honest, infertility (as you know) isn't a self-esteem high point.

If we do ultimately adopt, I wonder how our families will react.  Not because their opinion would stop us from adopting... but moreso because I don't ever want the child to feel left out, less loved, or in anyway rejected by my family and friends.  I know I can't control their reactions... but I just want them to feel just as loved by my family and friends as a biological child would.

After I've rambled on and on... my question.  How did you broach the idea of adoption with your family and friends?  How did you tell them?  Were they receptive? 

Art Teacher

Hi Blsd4given - welcome to the board 

We went through infertility, too.   We were fairly open about our struggles after a while...our families and many of our friends knew we were doing IVF.  Once we decided to adopt, we just told them here and there as it came up.  We told our parents, siblings, and closest friends first.  We were excited to tell them -- we were finally feeling like we would become parents through adoption.  It just wasn't going to happen for us through infertility treatments. 

Everyone was receptive.  Our parents and siblings had some concerns - they knew we'd been through a lot when our IVFs failed, and they didn't want to see us hurt again.  They also needed time to grieve the loss of a biological grandchild/niece or nephew/etc.   We let them know how we felt - excited - and shared what we had to go through as we went through the process.  We wanted them to feel the excitement that we felt as we waited for our baby. 

Our families LOVE our daughter - they are thrilled that she's part of our family. 

Hope that helps.  I think it's just important to be honest with your family and friends and educate them about adoption as you go.  Every now and then I would have someone - usually a coworker or someone I didn't know very well - say something that wasn't helpful; I would use that as a chance to teach them about how adoption is now.  I think a lot of people don't have a current understanding of the process and of the different kinds of adoption and they just focus on the sad stories they might have heard in the media.  Overall, though, we were given a lot of support through the process.

jillianmb

Welcome! 

 I was very nervous to tell our parents as well.  I told my parents by saying that we had attended an adoption seminar and were thinking about adoption.  It was the first time I told my parents about our IF struggles (which were significantly shorter than yours- just over a year), so I basically cried through the whole thing.  They were pretty supportive though!  They said a mixture of things about being excited to have an internationally adopted grandchild and then more things just encouraging me to not give up hope about conceiving one day (again, we did not try as long as you have, so it was okay of me that they said that).  It took my mom a few months to actually get excited and feel like she was going to be a grandma though.  It wasn't until we were about halfway through our homestudy that she actually felt like it was REALLY happening. 

 DH's parents adopted his sister from Korea so we expected them to be thrilled. His mom was but his dad was very concerned.  He was worried about the cost and the uncertainty of IA and the stress it would put on us, etc.  DH actually got a little ticked at his dad and finally just asked him to stop being so negative and just be supportive.  Ever since then his dad's been a lot better.  I think he just knows how hard it can be and is concerned for us.

All our friends have been thrilled and most of our extended family members have been incredibly encouraging.   Some of my aunts and uncles haven't said congratulations or anything, but they are more closed minded in general so I think they are just not saying anything b/c they don't have anything nice to say.  That doesn't bother me now b/c we aren't close to them but you can bet if they ever say/act mean or rude to our son when he comes home the mama bear in my will come out! 

Sorry that was so long!  My best advice is just tell your DH what kind of support you need from him and also surround yourself with your cheerleaders.  You will always have negativity and you just have to push it away and choose to find joy in the process.  All the best to you!

Hope2Have

Well... I don't have a private bone in my body, normally. But, our story happened so fast and furious and it was very unpredictable from the beginning (wasn't looking into adoption but heard about a lady soon to deliver and she wanted to place with us, so we of course agreed). I was so afraid she would decide to parent, so we wanted to keep the people we told to a very minimum amount. We told closest friends and parents and my sister, I didn't want to have to un-tell people that we after all weren't parents.

Anyways, the majority didn't know until she was born and it was a TON of fun to tell everyone, it still makes me smile. As far as how well she was accepted? It's crazy how much she is perfectly, absolutely 100% thought of as our biological child. So much so that when we came home from the hospital ppl kept fussing on me for lifting too much.... hahahah... I hadn't given birth! But I would even do it myself, it was quite funny.

Yesterday I was telling my cousin something that could have happened (baby been born biracial... which we wouldn't' have cared one bit about) and she said "well, that couldn't have happened... what do you mean?!?!" b/c she totally had forgot we adopted her. It's funny how much it happens on a normal basis.

Just go into it with your head held high and people around you will respond in the same way. BEST of luck! 

Jenn is Silly

My family had always known I was interested in adoption, in fact I can recall a conversation with my mom when I was like 18 where I told her I wanted 2 kids, 1 bio, 1 adopted, so it was no shock to them.

We were really nervous about telling DH's family- particularly his dad, but when we told them, they were all, including his dad, SUPER excited.  

We had a few friends who didn't quite "get it" (they made comments like, "aren't you still going to try for one of your own") but for the most part it just took some conversations about adoption with them and they all got on board.

Now, people forget DD's adopted.  Shoot, I forget she's adopted

EclairAngst

I brought it up early to some family members that we thought might have trouble with it, with the thinking that we would give them plenty of time to work out their own thoughts and feelings before a baby would come home. With those same people we have gradually brought up different points to consider, such as race, birth family relationships, etc. Fortunately this has worked for us and everyone has been overwhelmingly positive. It was important to us that everyone be able to come to terms with our adoption process at their own pace. When the inevitable question about fertility came up, we've always answered "this is the way we're choosing to grow our family". Not many know/knew about our IF process and that has allowed us to keep those details private. 

Blsd4given

Thanks for the responses!!  The thought of telling our parents, siblings, and my grandma is both exciting and terrifying.  I hope they'll be happy for us.  And, if they aren't, I'll be honest - it will weigh heavy on my mind.  But, in the same breath, we agree that we aren't going to not adopt just because they don't agree. 

I think we will be beginning the announcing this weekend... Whew.