Feeling discouraged

Nineoceans

So a big passion of mine is fashion, regardless if I work 70 hours a week I do not go out for coffee on a Sunday without make up and dressing nicely. It is important to me.

 Literally every morning SS and I have an argument about what he wears. He only wants to wear sweat pants and long tees under short tees- none of which match. Yesterday I took a pic of him because he came home from Bm's house wearing brown sweats, a green camouflage long shirt under a bright red team jersey. His hair was a hot mess. He looked beyond a ragamuffin. Dh will usually fuss at him of I don't for some reason but it always leads to stomping tears and slamming doors.

 He told me the other month he likes getting ready for school at Bm's because she told him he can wear whatever he wants. Not sure if that was supposed to hurt my feelings but it definitely did NOT lol. 

 All the nice clothes and shoes I bought him were lost or left at Bm's. It actually pisses me off because I feel like SS represents me. I don't appreciate walking around with him looking like no one loves him or gives a sh!t how he looks. I spend too much money for him to walk around like that. I work with homeless families and they even do a better job for their kids appearances

 Any ways this is just a vent because I told dh I'm officially done with worrying about it as of last night. I'm going to tell my family to stop buying him nice clothes and I'm going to stop buying him nice clothes. He can wear whatever he wants and whatever dh and his mom buy him because he's not my kid and I can only do so much!

karleegirl

How old is he? My opinion is as long as they are dressed appropriate for the weather and they are clean,then it's not worth the battle. There are going to be so many power struggles this is not one I'd make an issue out of. You may be reading a little more into him not wearing the clothes you get him.

Saran

I went thru the same thing years ago and decided to give up the fight. It was the best decision I ever made and my stress level is down. Oddly enough, now that my ss is getting older, he actually wants to look nice now.  I have bags of designer clothes that still have tags because he wanted to wear "play clothes" everyday to school. Great thing is, I just found out I'm having a boy, after 3 girls, so I now have tons of clothes for him! LOL

As for taking him out, my rule was that if you dont want to dress appropriate and comb your hair, you dont go out with me. He quickly realized he was missing out on some fun outings and got his act together. I'm with you that your children are a reflection of you and if they look a hot mess, then you look a hot mess! My sd knows that when she sees me pull out my Manolo's, she knows to dress nice and come correct. When my Pumas are out, she can throw on something more casual. LOL (Train em up while they are young!!!!!!!!)

FutureMrsWittig

I agree with karlee.  If he's dressed appropriately for the weather and he's clean let him wear what he wants.    I would insist on brushed hair and give in on the clothes.

xmaryrickx

I went through this (and still do) with SS. I used to let it bother me, now I don't. If we are going to someplace that requires a certain kind of dressing (so not the mall etc) H or I will tell him what he is wearing. He complains but if it the options are wear this or don't go he follows suit. I do think it's important to reach kids to dress appropriately for the situation. We went to a family wedding last summer and SS wore a shirt and toe. His cousins who are the same age were in shorts and tshirts. Their mother was all who cares what they wear. I was livid. She allowed the same thing at a funeral and it's just not acceptable and it is disrespectful IMO. Now to the mall or out for coffee, while I don't think it's appropriate to wear sweats it's also not a hill to die on. SS is now 16 and he still dresses like a ragamuffin most of the time.

karleegirl

I agree to church, weddings etc there is a certain dress that is appropriate. But to school, the mall then don't battle. I used to battle with my oldest. He went through a phase at about 9 or 10 were he didn't want to bathe, and just wanted to wear basketball shorts, and tees. It turned into a ww3 every morning. I now know it wasn't worth. Hygiene we dint compromise on. He is16 now and very aware and concerned with his appearance. He attempts to counsel me on my style as well.

Karma1969

Kids express themselves with their clothing choices. This argument has gone on for hundreds of years. My SS wears shorts in the winter and jeans in the summer. He also wears pajama pants to school. I'm sure when my DS is old enough to pick out his clothes it will be the same thing. It's not a battle worth having.

Holly_1007

since BM is clearly not on the same page as you guys, I agree you need to step back.  there are certain situations that require dressing nicely (if they dont dress nicely they dont go)

what they wear to school is a reflection of themselves, most likely he will start getting made fun of for wearing weird clothes/ not matching and will smarten up.  keep a few nice things in your house so he has the option.

our BM is the same way, I'm pretty sure BM dresses SD in some of her clothes sometimes (from 28+yrs ago), and actually sends her out in public.  I keep nice things at our house and SD likes wearing them when she is here, atleast she has the option to dress nice when she wants to

+j+k+

I completely feel your pain. 

SD used to try and leave the house with me in pajama bottoms and flip flops and I would tell her to change.

I think you have a right to push it a little, but  not excessively. Try to find a compromise.  I suggest insisting that at least 2-3 nice outfits remain at your home but that he needs to work on his appearance a little more and see if you two can meet in the middle.

Another thought - he might be color blind.  I know lots of men who are and it explained a lot of their clothing choices. Consider this possibility - it's a pretty easy test that determines this and maybe you can at least get him to color coordinate by labeling the inside of his clothes so he knows what goes with what.

Nineoceans

Thanks ladies for the feedback. Hes 7. This is definitely a sticky point to me. Dh and I dress well too so I would hate for people to think SS is treated "less than" because he's a step kid when the reality is he fights to wear his sloppy clothes. I may be analyzing it too much but i really feel like it's his way to rebel against me. 

He does other small things like never saying please or thank you EVER or not covering his mouth when he sneezes and I feel like I'm such a nag and he gets beyond annoyed when I remind him of these basic skills but I feel like appearance and manners are things you do need to get in the habit of as a kid.

I am going to explain why it's important to dress nicely because it shows you care about yourself but he is old enough to make his own decisions about his clothes and appearance so I promise I will let it go and just see it as a form of personal expression

 Also karleegirl your little girl is too cute! Congrats!! 

+j+k+

Nineoceans:

Thanks ladies for the feedback. Hes 7.

Okay. This is a totally different animal. I thought he was a teenager!

At 7 - you most definitely need to insist on what he wears in public with you and when he goes to school from your home.  Give him some time however to wear whatever he wants tho...like on a day when all you're doing is hanging out at home - as long as he knows he'll have to change when and if you do go somewhere.

You can't control what his mom puts on him - so don't try to fight that battle. You can still try tho to make a compromise a little with him tho.

karleegirl

Thank you nineoceans, she better be cute cause she's high maintainence !

rachi1285

Totally with you on this one! Though I wonder how old your SS is...

 My SD is 6 and SS is 4. They come to our house from their mom's with holes in their pants, stains on their shirts and ratty hair. Last summer we had to cut SD's hair VERY short because her mother doesn't wash it after swimming and the chlorine damage was irreparable(sp?). When the kids are at daycare I really don't care, because the provider knows their mom too. But when we have the kids over the weekend and we're out in public, I pick out all their clothes. I sometimes give them options, but they're options I've picked out.

We used to dress the kids in clothes we/I purchased, but then they'd end up at BM's house for months before coming back to us smelling like smoke so I had to rewash everything. It frequently happened where SD wore a shirt I bought her once, it went to BM's, and by the time we got it back it was too small for her! Now we are very strict with a system that has worked very well: when the kids come home wearing "their mom's" clothes, I wash them and keep them in a seperate area in their room. Then on the days that BM picks them up from daycare, we dress them in "her" clothes. On the days we have them again that night, they wear our clothes. That was our stuff stays nice. And if their mom's clothes have holes or stains, I set them aside to give to her next time I see her. So far it's worked well!