Opinions, please (long)

lrichmond86

So yesterday my DH and I had a baby-related blow out.  I'm not sure if I'm just being crazy or if DH was as inconsiderate as I think he was.  It's over now and we're fine, but I just wonder if you ladies think that my feelings were valid (as I'm sure you can all understand, sometimes I don't even understand my feelings myself).  Here's what happened...

Yesterday morning before I left for work I opened the mail from the day before.  The first thing I opened was a birth announcement from DH's college friend with a picture of a beautiful, chubby baby boy (I mentioned this in another post).  He was only two weeks younger than baby Gary so it hit pretty hard.  I asked DH if said friend knew about what happened to us.  He says "Yeah, I talked to him last week and told him about it."  I proceeded to ask what was wrong with his friend to send us a birth announcement knowing this.  His response: "I told him to send it.  I didn't think it would be a problem."  I burst into tears and ask why he didn't warn me that it was coming.  It "slipped his mind".  At this point I left for work, still hysterical. 

Fast forward to later that day... I got a chance to call him in the afternoon because I wasn't going to see him until late last night and I wanted to clear the air.  My intention was just to understand why he did what he did and let him know that it was really painful for me to have to go through that.  He proceeds to tell me that I'm over reacting and that we need to be exposed to things like that because it's part of life and we should just be happy for the good things that are happening for our friends.  He also said that I shouldn't blame him for my own emotional "issues".  Commence second round of hysterics. 

We talked it over when he got home from work, and I think he has a better understanding of why I was so upset and how I'm feeling about things in general, but there is a little part of me that feels like he might be right.  I would have liked a warning that baby pics were in our future, but why shouldn't he see his friends' baby if it makes him feel good?  Should he be accountable for triggering my bad day?  I certainly don't blame him for the situation that we're in, but I just feel like he should be considering how I'm feeling when he makes decisions that will effect both of us.  What do you ladies think?  Am I crazy?

pb&fluff

I don't think you're crazy at all.  Men and women process things so much differently.  As women, we are so much closer emotionally to our babies.  We carried them and men will never understand the bond we have with them.  I think he wasn't in the wrong about letting his friend send the birth announcement.  To him, it was just another "thing."  To you, it was something that touched you deep in the center of your soul.  He should consider your feelings before making decisions, but unfortunately, men just don't think that way all the time.  We just have to accept that.

Big (((hugs))) to you.

edited for spelling

Carolee

I don't think you're crazy.  I also agree with PP - Men and women process things differently.  Sending you (((HUGS)))

Gizu92708

I don't think you are crazy at all. Like the pp I have come to the conclusion after we lost Enzo that men and women mourn differently. My dh acts just like your dh and I go hysterical everytime. It sucks I know. I'm sorry you had to see the baby picture when you weren't expecting it.

weddedwife

We had something similar happen. Some friends (who did not send us a sympathy card) sent us a baby announcement for their son who was born 6 days before Nathaniel. I was really upset when we received it. DH, however, said he thinks we really need to try to be happy for other people. It didn't bother him as much as it did me. At the same time, once I explained how rude I thought it was for them to ignore our loss and then flaunt their joy, he saw my point of view. I think as long as we are able to at least understand the other person's perspective, it's okay. Men are different creatures than women. My DH knows now that if we get a baby announcement in the mail, it's going to bother me. He knows that because I told him it would. I have to be very specific with that kind of stuff because I forget that he can't read my mind

pb127

I don't think you're crazy at all either. Everyone processes their grief differently (and also differently at different times).  I think it was just a miscommunication- DH and I had so many of these in the first 6 months after our loss.

It sounds like you guys talked it out... I think that's the best way to handle it.  Just try your best to handle the tough times and come back to each other when these moments come up. Sending you both many ((((hugs))))

pottermommy

Someone brought an infant in a carrier to Kamryn's funeral and carried her up to the recieving line to hug DH and I.  I lost it.  Like completely lost it.  DH doesn't even remember the baby being there....

blessedhope

I'm so sorry, I understand that pain. It's still been so soon for you. It's been 9 months for me and I still have similar reactions. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve without worrying what others think. I know that is easier said than done. It's especially hard when hubby doesn't seem to grieve the same way. There is a website I found called ElmCityDad. This dad started blogging while they were pregnant with their first baby who they lost. He continued to blog through their grief journey and it has really helped me to see grief through the eyes of a father. I don't know if it will help you any but thought i would suggest it. Many hugs to you and wishes of healing.

cherrycobbler

I don't think you are crazy.  We do process things differently than them.  When we had Robin, there were 5 of our very close friends/family that had babies in the month and a half after us (we were supposed to be last).  We did get picture announcements for most of those and it was very hard to look at them.  I was truly happy for them, but it just really sucked to see them.  I sort of couldn't believe that they sent it, but I also wouldn't want anyone to ignore us because we lost a child.  I also knew what was in those envelopes before I opened them, and one I did wait for two days just to open.  I am glad that you were able to talk it out with your husband.  Mine knows some of the triggers for me and I know some specific triggers for him that don't do anything for me.  Things will get easier, you will both get used to each others "new" routines.  It's just going to take a little time, but just remember to talk about things. If he doesn't know something bothers you and why, he will never understand.  I think my husband and I communicate better now than ever, crappy how that worked out.  (Hugs) to you and yours.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Well if you're crazy then I'm crazy too.  I had something similar happen to me Friday night.  My DH called a very good friend of ours we haven't talked to in a little while.  He could tell our friend was uneasy on the phone.  Later in the conversation he finally told my DH that his wife was pregnant.  My husband mouthed to me the news (I figured it out based on 1/2 the conversation).  I love these people to death and I'm honestly deep down truly happy for them - but as soon as my DH got off the phone I just broke down and lost it.  I was sobbing saying "why does everyone we know get to have a baby and not us!"  Then my DH had the nerve to say "well I'm glad they told us over the phone and we were home instead of seeing them in person because you're a mess!"  I honestly don't know why I reacted the way I did but I did.  You're not crazy.  {{HUGS}}