"Keep in mind your whole plan can go out the window!"
JNoelleE
member
A friend of mine asked me on fb asked if I had a birth plan laid out. I said I was working on it as I'm sure I'll need one. He tells me how the hospital him and his wife went to was very nb friendly, if that was the route I was looking to take. I said I wish I was going to that hospital but am already set up at another location, but that I was taking classes at the one he went to.
This is where I get annoyed-
Another friend of mine happens to see the simple conversation and says, "Yes have a birth plan, but keep in mind that all that can go out the window, and that the only thing that matters is getting that baby out safely!"
I am annoyed because:
1. Why does me having a birth plan or planning for a natural route, pose as something that could interfere with getting the baby out safely?
2. Why would it indicate that I would not have them do something that is actually necessary, just because I want to do it naturally?
It bothers me because I believe that choosing the natural route, is what is best for the baby. I believe it IS more safe! I get that things can happen and it's great that we have doctors for the actual emergencies. But I hate the stigma that seems to come along with Natural Birth. That we aren't being safe?
And, I guess it's just a pet peeve of mine that people feel the need to tell you, "All of that can go out the window!" Or, "Well keep an open mind, it may not go that way.." To me that is a very obvious statement, that just doesn't need to be said. It bothers me that people think we may not realize that. It's like they think that is more likely to happen, than for things to actually go according to plan.
Phew. I just needed to vent to some ladies who are sure to understand. Thanks for listening!
Re: "Keep in mind your whole plan can go out the window!"
I had a similar experience with a friend of mine who is a physician. She looked over my preliminary birth plan and although she was very nice about it, she seemed to feel it was necessary to point out where things could change.
However, she has explained to me (and my OB confirmed her statements) that doctors sometimes deal with women who are so wrapped up in their "perfect" baby experience that they sometimes get tunnel vision and refuse to trust the doctor--they can't always tell between when the doctor is just trying to have things his/her own way and when there is a legitimate need for intervention.
It still bothers me that she doesn't seem to believe it's possible to have a baby without pain medicine and not be in intense pain (not having had a FT birth myself I can't confirm or deny it, but I have faith).
I do wish people would just stop making comments essentially telling me how incorrect my assumptions are about natural birth and let me do things as much my own way as possible.
Keegan Patrick - Bilateral Clubfeet found at Anatomy Scan.
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Next time that person tells you that she has plans to drive somewhere, tell her "Yes, drive to your destination, but keep in mind that some crappy/drunk driver might suddenly plow into you along the way and you might literally go out the window! All that matters is getting there safely!"
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
It's so refreshing to hear you guys understand! We really need to stick together, haha. It's so hard having all these doubters around. These things just really bug me! I have made a point to NOT bring up our plans, or my feelings on the matter, to avoid all the bs comments and judgement. But this one was so annoying because it was such a vague, brief discussion on what hospital we are choosing... But since you could tell that I was wanting to go to the nb hospital, you could tell I am planning for a nb. So just from that alone, I got one of those comments.
Then after that I got a comment that said, "Wow! Are you sure he isn't coming before the baby shower?!" (These comments were all on my 30 week belly picture I posted.)
So, I look huge, and I have unrealistic expectations. Thanks for the support guys! haha.
I did say, "Yes, I know not everything can go according to plan. But my plan is all based around the baby's safety as the main priority.:-)"
What I really meant was, "Pretty sure my plans to not have unnecessary medical interventions and medicines is for the safety of my baby. Beyotch. Sorry about your 72 hour induction that resulted in c-section because you decided to be induced at 38 weeks even though you and the baby was fine, but you were just tired of waiting." But that wouldn't be nice...
The idea that you shouldn't have a plan because it might make you disappointed is so ridiculous. I guess you shouldn't go to school to get a degree - after all, you might not even work in that field! Why get married, people get divorced!
If everyone just settled for the bare minimum (a "healthy mom, healthy baby birth"), life would kind of... suck.
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The way I explained it to my friend (not sure if she was listening) was this: when women get married, their ultimate goal is to be married, but few women just go to the courthouse and get married. Instead, they spend months (and thousands) preparing for a "perfect" day. They know it probably won't go precisely as they hope, but in addition to wanting to be married, they want this momentous change in their lives to be memorable.
It's the same way with birth. There are things we "hope" will happen. We know we don't always have a choice, but where we do have a choice, we'd like to be able to make those choices.
I'm not sure if my friend got it, but if she did, maybe the next time one of her patients says something about a birth plan, she'll be more receptive.
Yeah that comment is annoying. Like Token said, the attitude that things might go wrong, so why bother, is not a great way to go through life IMO. When I was planning with my VBAC, I remember my mom saying "don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen." Well, I would have been disappointed if my VBAC didn't work out and you know what, that is ok. Life is disappointing sometimes, and it's ok to feel it.
That said, I do think it's a good idea to think a little about what you will do if you do end up needing a c/s or something. I went into my first birth not really thinking a c/s would ever happen to me, even though of course intellectually I knew it was possible. So when I did have when, I was emotionally blindsided and totally unprepared to advocate for myself at all. Plan for a natural birth, but I don't think a Plan B is a bad idea either.
I would love to watch the shiit storm it would cause if you really did say that to someone
I think it comes down to some people are passive about birth and some people are active.
Some people learn, prepare, wish, act, and decide what and how they will like their birth to be like. Sometimes unforeseen complications happen and you will have to alter your expectations and plans. However, the preparation is also part of your birth experience. The time spent thinking about what is best for your baby and your hopes for a natural birth set the tone for how you will approach decisions as a parent. Even if you plan a natural birth and have to have a c-section, you are a better, more prepared parent for planning.
Others are passive, and allow decisions and interventions to be "done" to them. For whatever reason, they give up their choices or let someone else take them away. Even if you have to have a scheduled c-section, you still have a choice in how your birth goes to an extent.
Those that have no birth plan or preparation take a passive role, and they may or may not like the outcome.
I, for one, know which person I like to be.
I'd tell her off.
You do what you want for your birth, I do what I want for my birth. I won't put up with friends trying to tell me how it is. Most of my friends are out of town and see doctors who are more than c-section happy. Their OBGYN's want to do high risk OB stuff and they aren't qualified to, so I wouldn't trust them with my dirty sock!
I don't dig the whole medical interventions crap and my doctor knows to only tell me when it's truly medically neccessary or I will tell her off even! I'm awful..haha
Also annoyed at these remarks because...
3) "...all that matters is getting the baby out safely." So if I'm dead, injured, or emotionally damaged, that's ok??
Quite honestly - I have no issue reminding someone that what matters is a healthy mom and a healthy baby.
I don't know if the other Bradley people did the birth plan exercise with the cards detailing what you want... then having to choose less and less of those things until you're left with two choices - but our class did.
In the end - those are the two things out of my birth plan I got. DD had cord prolapse, and I had an emergency c-section under general. All I cared about was getting her and DS out safely. It was actually comforting after my birth experience to have people tell me that - because things could have gone so much worse.
It's an important thing to keep in mind.
I don't agree at all that it sets the tone for the kind of parent you will be. As someone who planned for a natural birth and had a cesarean with my first, I can tell you the experience did nothing to make me a better parent. And "not liking the outcome" can happen to anyone.
Also, getting an epidural or choosing to listen to your obstetrician is not necessarily a passive choice. It may be the way that mother is being active and exerting control in a situation that at its heart is inherently out of our control.
This is exactly what the OP is talking about...yes, bad things can happen in birth - we all know that and that's why we all appreciate modern technology even if we choose not to use it!
I don't think any mom planning a natural birth needs "reminding" however well meaning - especially before the birth. If it makes you feel better after the fact, great but it really doesn't help to throw the worst case scenario out there every chance you get.
The next time I'm told this, I think I'll say "No, I plan to stick to my birth plan, no matter if it kills both me and baby," and roll my eyes at them. Hopefully they'll get the heavy sarcasm in that.
And I disagree that a healthy baby is the ONLY thing that matters. *I'm* experiencing this too, and a healthy mama is crucial to a happy baby! I've been accused of being selfish and wanting to kill my baby for my own comfort measures.. but the way I explained it is
What is good for mama just so happens to be good for baby. It goes hand in hand. Oh, wow.. who could have imagined God would have created birth that way? My choices aren't selfish, they are for the good of BOTH of us.
I think, for a lot of women, their birth plans go out the window because try are fighting against a medical system that makes a NB an uphill battle. Pitocin, continuous monitoring, timetables, doctors playing the "dead baby" card ... the list goes on. I told my DH at the end of my pregnancy -- in hysterical tears -- that I was afraid I was running up a down escalator because hospital policies were making things SO MUCH HARDER on me.
In the end, I got (almost) everything I wanted. But don't take those comments personally -- just know where they're coming from.
My mom was a nurse too - this is why I stopped giving her any details about my pregnancy or birth plans, because I know she'll have an opinion and tell me that I'm wrong and she's right, no matter what the current research shows.
My sister is pregnant with her first and I've strongly encouraged her to plan and educate herself in pain management techniques if she wants a natural labor and delivery (which she has expressed an interest in having). In practically the same breath I've told her that it is different for everyone and if she needs the epi, then that's what she needs to get through it.
Its not about discouraging her from NB. Quite the contrary, I've made it very clear how wonderful I found the whole experience to be and how much I want that for her. What I'm trying to convey to her is that if things go differently than planned, its ok too. I dont want her to beat herself up afterwards if she needed something to help get her baby into the world. Post partum has always been hard enough for me to deal with and I would hate to think that I had added misery on her by pushing so hard for NB that she felt disappointed in the experience she ends up with.
I like my doula, but as I was telling her in a prep meeting that it's a very, very high priority to me to avoid a c-section, she said something like, "people who think that are the most likely to end up with them." Why, if I'm highly motivated to try all the other options first, would that be true? I felt like she was discounting my opinion without even knowing why I have it.
Also, I get so annoyed with people who completely discount the emotional/psychological side of birth like it's completely irrelevant ("healthy mom/ healthy baby, nothing else matters"). Someone insisted to me that a birth experience CAN'T be traumatic in the same way other traumatic events are. As someone who has been through a major trauma, I'm highly motivated not to have this birth be another one, since they compound psychologically and don't exactly set you up to be in the best frame of mind to face new challenges like parenting. So I very conscientiously chose midwives with a care model that is empowering, and I hope that even if I do end up needing a c-section, they won't needlessly scare me and pressure me about how I'm killing my baby if I insist on understanding a proposed intervention before agreeing to it.
It's more the tone in which people say "Keep an open mind" or "all that matters is a healthy baby." I can just feel them reaching out and patting me on the head like a child. It's so condescending.