2. Adopting an older toddler (3-4). Daycare/School/Pitfalls?

WaitingforGrace

So in 1. below I stated that this sweet girl has some special needs, but she's also almost 4.

Has anyone adopted an older child and then within several weeks started them at daycare? In this scnenario she'd come home next fall/winter and I'd get a few weeks off to bond with her and then I have to go back to work and she'd be in daycare. Are some daycare situations better than others? Is it better to go to a center where there is less one on one care so when she comes home she maintains her attachment to DH and I? Or would an in home daycare or nanny be preferred. I'm afraid in those situations she'd attach to that provider? Also, she'd likely go to Kindergarten in Fall 2013. So I'd be transitioning her twice... to daycare and then to school. Should I consider a pre-k in the fall at the school she'd be going to?

CaptainSerious

Our agency suggested that remain our child's only caregiver for at least 6 months following the adoption.

With M, we wanted him to start school in September, so I stayed home with him from July to September, and then worked part-time so I could be home with him in the afternoons.  Only in January did I go back to work full-time.  I think we managed the attachment stuff well.

This time, I will be home with J until September, so he will get to be home with me for 6 months!  I'm excited about that, since he's younger and will likely need that time more.

There's a great post about toddler adoption further down that you might be interested in:  https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/63575447.aspx.

silliestbunny

Everything I've read suggests what CS's agency told her about taking 6 months to a year to be the only caregiver.  From what I understand it really helps children from orphanages "get" that you are mom and not just another caregiver.

Do you have any flexibility with your leave?

The post  CS referred to has some real stories of bonding with with toddlers.  I don't think any are IA but it gives you perspective. 

SoSweet06

  In a word, yes. We are dealing with this now. Our son is attending special needs preschool; I kept him home for about 5 weeks until I absolutely had to go back to work. 

  We considered the nanny/daycare center options, but there is no way our son would have been able to handle an unstructured environment like daycare, and I couldn't handle the idea of a nanny.  

   For us, I wish there would have been a way to stay home with him...but it wasn't realistic for us. It was the choice between not adopting him and adopting him and letting him go to school. I won't lie and say that going to school didn't impact attachment/bonding, because I think it has...but when I compare the place that he was in versus where he is now, it's worth the extra effort in building attachment (my house looks like a train ran through it because I spend most of the evening on the floor playing or dancing around with a preschooler, etc.). 

    And, as a therapist in a special needs preschool--I vote yes, preschool is such a great experience If you have a good one, anyways! 

jillianmb

We're doing IA too and I've been doing a fair amount of research on bonding.  Everything I've read suggests that it is much better for a child to bond with someone and then have that bond be broken (ie: with one in-home daycare provider or a nanny) than to not bond at all.  Even if she bonds with the nanny more than you, that's better than not having her bond with anyone in a center.  Once she learns to attach to one person, she will be able to attach to others more easily.  I admit it would bother me if my child bonded with the nanny before me, but at least she was able to bond at all.  I think you should seek the advice of a professional attachment specialist, but I bet choosing a nanny or an in-home daycare would be better than a center. 

(That is- if you can't stay at home with her for 6 months, which would be best).