Tough couple of days

CaptainSerious

We/I've been having a tough time of it, and it's really upsetting to me, because I just want to be excited that I'm leaving in 10 days to be reunited with and adopt my baby boy!

On Wednesday we offered M that if he wanted to do a day-trip to his hometown while we were in Peru, we could make that happen.  At first, he said no, but he couldn't tell us why he didn't want to go back.  We asked him if he was worried we'd leave him or that he'd see his biological mother, and neither was the case.  When he couldn't give us a good reason, he changed his mind and said he'd like to go.

Fast forward to Sunday, M's behavior was off all day.  It started first-thing when he stalled so much we missed a cub scouts ceremony in church.  We took away several of his privileges for several days as a consequence, but he told me he didn't care because he didn't have to go to the ceremony.  Anyway, he had a lot of his privileges taken away, he had a lot of time to help us out around the house.  His memory was refreshed about some of the chores he did in Peru.  Throughout the day, his behavior was on the bad side of spotty all day.  By bedtime, my husband and I were at our wit's end.  All of a sudden, M started talking about how the caretakers at his original orphanage in his hometown handled it when he would wet his bed.  We knew they made him wash his own sheets, but had no idea it happened outdoors, in the middle of the cold night, with little to nothing on.  I told him that I am so sorry that happened to him, commiserated with him about how it probably made him so scared the problem got worse, and reminded him that we handled it very differently when it happened.

But that wasn't all.  During bathtime, he confided in my husband that his primary caretaker at that orphanage brutally beat him and the other kids.  We knew he had suffered this kind of abuse because of his scars, but thought it was from his biological family.  But he always, always denies that his biological mother or anyone around her hit or hurt him.  So now we know.  It was his caretaker at his hometown orphanage.  He told us it was a big secret, and made us promise not to tell anyone, especially not our lawyer in Peru.  He agreed to let us talk about it with our family therapist, but that's it.

I'm not really sure why this has rocked me so much.  We knew he'd been hurt, but I never, ever expected it would be at the hands of the very people whom were entrusted to keep him safe from the other dangers of his life.  It makes me so angry.  I also feel betrayed, because the people we met there seemed so genuine, loving, caring, and understanding.  I felt indebted to them for taking care of M and raising him those first years.  To be fair, the woman M says abused him wasn't there the day we went, and he says the people we met never knew about it.  It was a big secret, and he swears the people we met were nice and kind.  He remembers specific nice things they did.  He always tells us how the orphanage director would be sure to give you new shoes if you needed them or new glasses if yours broke.  Those are the memories he shares about them.  But how could they not know?  Ugh!

So, we offered M the choice to not go back, but he still wants to.  I asked him if there's anyone he wants to see, and he just said he wants to see the place, not any particular person.  We were going to do the trip with just me while my husband stays in Lima with J, but now M is requesting that we both go, or at least that my husband be there.  My husband's Spanish is not as good as mine (which is still pretty pitiful), and he doesn't feel comfortable making a trip like that without me or someone else who can translate.  Since we won't be able to travel with J, we are now looking for some compromise.

That's the worst of it, I guess, but I'm also really upset that director still hasn't approved my time-off at work, and I know it's because it's an adoption and not a birth.  Also, this past week it became apparent that the new director really dislikes that I'm taking two maternity leaves in three years, and doesn't want to consider me for future promotions, so he's looking for other things to demonstrate that I'm not qualified (despite telling me a few months ago that I am highly qualified and at the top of the pack).  I talked to my supervisor about this and told him of my suspicions, and he said he hopes it's not the case, but can see where I might get that idea.  Two things happened last week that were so ridiculous, my supervisor said that my scenario would certainly explain the director's actions, and the only other reason might be that the director may be super-stressed because he's in over his head.  I have made it clear to both my supervisor and HR that my last day is the 23rd and it's my maternity leave, weather I'm approved or not.

On top of all that, I'm dealing with M's child study team again.  They sent us their evaluation reports, and thank goodness, it seems like they will classify him.  At least one of the two reports implies that--the other is missing at least a page at the end, including any conclusions/recommendations.  When I called to get the missing pages, the woman said she'd have to call me back because she copied them herself, so she has no idea what could have gone wrong.  I'm pretty sure this is intentional and I don't really care "what happened," I just want the rest of the document!  We have a meeting scheduled for next week, and I am trying to get the education consultant who did our private evaluation to attend so that we have a better chance at getting the services he needs.  It's just constant stress and tension with them because they make us fight for what we are entitled.

So that's my crappy week.  If you read all the way through, you are a trooper.  I just had to vent, and this is always such a wonderful, supportive place to do that.  Thank you.

bhead81

Wow, sounds like a rough couple of days!  I am so heartbroken for M, I could not imagine everything that he has gone through.  I am glad that he is willing to share those details with you, that had to be hard for him.  Now that you know hopefully it is the beginning of the healing process for him. 

Dr.Loretta

Vent away. It's what we're here for. That is A LOT to process all at one time. And I'm sure a lot of it is imagining what it must have been like for M to carry this burden around with him, never knowing how it was going to manifest.

I hope things start looking better as time goes on. Maybe this trip will allow him some closurem you never know.

jillianmb

Wow that is all very upsetting.  I am so sickened to hear about the abuse M suffered and just want to give you a bug (hug) as you navigate his journey to healing.  It sounds to me like you and your DH are handling everything very well.  I know it sucks to feel so angry and upset over the situation, but I think those are the emotions you should be feeling at such upsetting news.

And I just have to shake my head at your employer/director.  I don't know what else to say but that is just plain unfair and it sucks.  

I hope the next few days hold some bright spots so you can start feeling hopeful and happy again.  

Art Teacher

Big hugs Captain. That's an awful lot to handle in one week.  I'm so upset to hear that M dealt with abuse while he was being cared for. I can't imagine how upset you and your husband must be to hear that...maybe it will help  him deal with what he's going through to go back there (like Dr. L said.) 

I'm sorry your director is being less than helpful with setting up your leave and that he's acting like he doesn't want to promote you in the future.  What a lousy person to work for...is it possible that you could (down the road) work with someone else?  I'm sorry - I'm glad your supervisor seems like he is helping you.

I hope they get the last page of M's report to you.  I'm glad it looks like they are going to classify him. 

You need a break -- a glass of wine, a massage, a nap -- whatever would help to help you feel better.  I'm sorry - I hope all of this gets resolved soon.  I also want you to know that I'm really excited and happy for you that you'll be on your way to your other son very soon - hope things calm down so you can enjoy the time leading up to meeting him, too.  Many hugs.

silliestbunny

Oh, wow... you have too many things bouncing in your brain.  You have to be feeling overwhelmed.  Even though you didn't say it, you probably also have some of that mom guilt we all feel for our children as our family grows.  Yes, it's great to have siblings but the adjustment causes us all to worry about our first child.

As for work,  UGH!!!  Would they treat you this way had you birthed two children in less than a year... probably not!!  As a boss of someone that will have babies 14 months apart, I get that it can be taxing on a department... but this is life!   This is what it's all about.  I am sorry you are feeling the stress of their lack of support.

RE: M, he's been through so much.  You are providing him a safe place to work through his feelings.  As with any child expecting a sibling, I would guess this is the beginning of a few more rocky weeks.  Hang in there.  Know that you are being so loving and supportive.  Even if he doesn't show it, he knows you are a safe, loving mom and he appreciates it. 

I know it sounds impossible but try to take care of yourself.  You are carrying a lot around on your shoulders... it's tough. 

Hugs 

 

inlovewithB

Wow!! So much to deal with! First of all I can not even imagine how hard it is to hear about what your son endured! My heart breaks for your little guy and all the other kids who have been and will be in the same position.

I am so excited that you will be reunited with your 2nd son in just a few short days!!!

As far as your employer...what a mess!! Is there someone else you can go to about that situation? It shouldn't be legal for them to discriminate against you in this way. My only advice would be to document everything so that if it comes to the point you need to seek legal advice you will have documentation.

Praying for you and your three guys! 

cogbot

Oh My!  You certainly have a lot on your plate.

I just can't comprehend how anyone can treat a child with such malice. I'm sorry M has endured so much, but thankful he now has a loving and dependable home.  

It also sounds like your employer is a real peach....  Geeesh!  What a bunch of crap!

Sorry you have to deal with so much right now.  I hope things go a little smoother from now on.