How to Deal with Daddy . . .

cinderella4282

I love my DH to death and it's cute to see him when he looks at Amelia . . . you can tell he loved her at first sight.

BUT sometimes it kinda drives me a little crazy how little he seems to be involved. He only works about 6 minutes from home so he usually comes home for lunch. Yesterday he called and asked if it was cool if he went out to lunch with the guys he works with. Not a prob, have a great time.

Then he comes home, we eat dinner and then he disappears into the basement for the rest of the night to package up his baseball cards so he can send them in for some grading thing . . .

Now I don't expect him to spend as much time with Amelia as I do, after all I am the one that has to feed her. But shouldn't he want to spend SOME time with us when he gets home from work?

Amelia is currently on a billy blanket so I can't take her out of the front room and DH likes to spend time in the basement which is a little too cool for the little bean. Should I just forget it and write it off, or should I say something to him? I don't want to be a harpy wife and make him feel bad, but I think Amelia and I should rank a little higher than baseball card submissions.

Thanks!! 

Marion&Kit

Yep, you should talk to him now, before things get messy. You WILL need his help at some point - babies are a two person job (I'm a single mom, and as much as I want to deny it, I need help sometimes. Especially in the beginning.)

Edit: You can't expect him to read your mind either - if you don't say something, and you just want him to want to spend time, it just...yeah. Messy.

RachNRich

I wish I had advice for you, because I often feel like I am in the same boat. I don't want to be a harpy wife either, but it really does, well...hurt my feelings, more than anything, when I get done feeding LO and bring him back down stairs, offer my DH the opportunity to hold him or having be put him in the RnP, and he --9 times out of 10--has me put him in the rocker. 99% of all diaper changes are done by me, too--and granted my DH works, but he only has to go in to work two days a week. He doesn't get up with us at night, gets a ton more sleep than I do, and is currently napping on the couch while I rock the baby. 

It's frustrating. But, I don't know what to say or how to say it. I tried to bring it up once, but it resulted in an argument where I was told that I was essentially being over the top and expecting him to know what to do and when to do it with the baby (he's never been around a baby before, so I do know he's a bit in the dark). I'm also afraid my hormones are playing into my thoughts, so I'm going to ride it out a bit longer.

Wishing you luck!...just know you're not alone. 

gracefulruby33

We are having this same issue. He says he needs about an hour (usually turns into more than that...) of alone time after his hard day at work, which is super annoying sometimes because I would love some alone time myself. Definitely talk to him about it. I consider myself an understanding wife and am just dealing with it right now. A couple of nights a week he does his guy stuff and he spends all weekend with us. If you don't say anything to him, he will just assume there isn't a problem. You know how men are. GL!

tinydancingqueen

No, you're not alone.  Granted, DH was GREAT during his paternity leave, but now he's back at work at totally not in the mood to be present and 'in the moment' with his son when he gets home from work. To the point where feedings and sleep time and 'general fussiness' results in a distant gaze and uninterested demeanor and/or propping the baby up while he checks facebook or email on his phone or playing video games instead of quality time with DS.  It's been a struggle especially since DH's argument is he "did his time" during paternity leave and now its my responsibility since I'm a SAHM.  Yes, we have maturity issues!  I'm resolved that this is one argument that will never be over.

Mrs.Greeko

Babies aren't that exciting to dads until they are more interactive.  They don't really know what to do with them, especially if you are nursing.  If you want him to hang out with you though, you will have to tell him that, he can't read your mind.  But he will probably get more interested in the baby when she starts, smiling, giggling, and actually playing.  

Carrie3102

Mrs.Greeko:

Babies aren't that exciting to dads until they are more interactive.  They don't really know what to do with them, especially if you are nursing.  If you want him to hang out with you though, you will have to tell him that, he can't read your mind.  But he will probably get more interested in the baby when she starts, smiling, giggling, and actually playing.  

 

This exactly... My DH was FANTASTIC with her at first ( like 1st few days)  then bleh... now that she smiles and plays... he's back in.

Carrie3102

Mrs.Greeko:

Babies aren't that exciting to dads until they are more interactive.  They don't really know what to do with them, especially if you are nursing.  If you want him to hang out with you though, you will have to tell him that, he can't read your mind.  But he will probably get more interested in the baby when she starts, smiling, giggling, and actually playing.  

Sorry duplicate and don't know why.

erinemcg

Hmmm, I don't have this problem, what I do when DH gets home I sort of tell him what's what. 

 For example, he gets home and I will say "Do what you need to get done, your are taking DS in an hour and a half for 2 hours" i will also let him know what needs to be done in that time such as changing, feeding or bath. After that I try not to hover or instruct. He has figured out some great tricks during bath time that I have stolen. 

 So I guess my advice is to be direct, specific and then let DH figure out LO on his own.

Good luck! 

cinderella4282

Thanks for the advice ladies and letting me know I'm not alone in this feeling!!!

I will talk about it tonight with him. I think it was better to wait though and talk about it tonight because last night and this morning I was pretty emotional about it. I think I'll be able to separate the emotion a little more tonight.

 

babyboymama11

My husband was way more distant the first couple weeks, now at almost 6 weeks he is much more involved! I think men need some time to adjust - think about it - they have never held a baby that young, let alone changed a diaper, etc (at least my husband hadn't). I was VERY frustrated with my husband but I also realized he was the first and only person I could get pissy with. I found it's best to tell him what you need instead of hint (ie "HERE IS THE LIST OF THINGS WE NEED FROM THE STORE" vs. waiting for him to realize the frig is empty!). Be nice about it though! I'm sure he'll come around :-)

celiabwatson

First, I know how you feel.

Second, men just don't feel the same way we do about infants normally. My husband was helpful and involved, but if nothing needed to be "done" with my son then he wasn't interested. He likes feedback (for lack of a better word). So he would absolutely help when I asked, and even sometimes took initiative if he discovered a wet diaper before I did, but he didn't want to spend time with him until he started getting positive feedback from our son. As he got clearer and clearer feedback he would be more and more interested. So, smiling, then hugging back, crying when he left etc. Now that our boy is 2 he will outright tell daddy to spend time with him, and if my husband tries to do something on his iPod while they're playing my son says, "bye phone" (he can't tell the difference between an iPhone and and iPod) and my husband likes being wanted and plays.

So I guess the message is that eventually your child will be the one telling your husband to spend time with him/her and that generally works. But on the helping front, yes many dads will need to be told what to do and when. 

jat11

be honest and talk w/ him! he may be just a clueless man and need the insight then u will feel better to get it off ur chest and not have to wonder.

Jennyanydots26

celiabwatson:

First, I know how you feel.

Second, men just don't feel the same way we do about infants normally. My husband was helpful and involved, but if nothing needed to be "done" with my son then he wasn't interested. He likes feedback (for lack of a better word). So he would absolutely help when I asked, and even sometimes took initiative if he discovered a wet diaper before I did, but he didn't want to spend time with him until he started getting positive feedback from our son. As he got clearer and clearer feedback he would be more and more interested. So, smiling, then hugging back, crying when he left etc. Now that our boy is 2 he will outright tell daddy to spend time with him, and if my husband tries to do something on his iPod while they're playing my son says, "bye phone" (he can't tell the difference between an iPhone and and iPod) and my husband likes being wanted and plays.

So I guess the message is that eventually your child will be the one telling your husband to spend time with him/her and that generally works. But on the helping front, yes many dads will need to be told what to do and when. 

Wow, umm...speak for yourself! This doesn't reflect most of the men I know who have kids at all. My husband is very interactive with our daughter, and has been since Day One. And I know lots of men that are very hands-on and proactive fathers from the beginning.

 I am really surprised and disappointed at all these posts that say that men are clueless, or "that's just how guys are" - no, not all men are like this. And if they are like this, it is because you let them get away with it.

footnotegirl

It's definitely better to say something, though keeping it warm and sweet like "Baby and I want to spend time with you honey." is probably better than "Spend time with our baby, shes yours too!" or something. Catch more flies with honey and all that. Maybe see if theres a way you can work out him doing the card organization while spending time with the two of you. I mean, it's something that's clearly interesting to him, maybe he'd want to share his interest?

I too twitch when I read "all guys are like that" or "It's the fault of their partner who lets them get away with it." First off, not all guys are like that. Secondly, the issue isn't with moms who let their spouses get away with it, it's with society. When even the IRS considers a mom staying at home to take care of the child 'parenting' but a dad staying at home to take care of the child an 'alternative care arrangement' there is a PROBLEM. But that problem goes back a long way. It goes back to boys not being given dolls. It goes back to young men never urged to be interested in being a dad. It goes back to stereotypes of man as breadwinner and woman as caregiver. it goes back to parents not trusting teenage boys to babysit but being willing to hire teen girls for the same job.

Boys don't get positive reinforcement when interested in parenting/child care, and then they don't get the experience that so many women take for granted. So they enter adulthood often having never in their lives interacted with a baby. They feel they can't do it as well, so they avoid it, and when they try things are often corrected (sometimes unkindly) by mom who can't fathom that dad is learning what we think comes 'naturally' but really is something that women tend to be taught pretty holistically from birth and cant' remember having 'learned' at all. 

khanley1980

I agree with pp, my dh is awesome! He spends the whole evening with us and is very hands on. We kind of take turns holding her at night while the other makes dinner or does laundry, etc and then we both give her a bath and all go to bed together!