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December 2010 Moms
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Convince me to get pregnant.
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We really want another baby. We plan to try for #2 this fall, but there are a lot of things that we need to take care of first. I need to start making money, we need a bigger car, we need to get our house more organized. Those are things that we can definitely accomplish.
BUT. I'm terrified of having two children. I've always wanted two or possibly three in the future, but after having such a high maintenance baby the first time around I'm scared I won't be able to handle another one plus a toddler.
Until Jackson started crawling he wouldn't let me put him down for more than a couple of minutes at a time without screaming. He hated carriers of all sorts, hated me leaving the room, hated anything but being held.
I have just recently been able to admit that I feel like I'm not very good at this whole 'mom' thing. Of course I love Jackson more than anything, and I do love being a mom, but I just don't feel like I'm very good at it! I feel like every day is a struggle and a constant series of frustrations. I wish I enjoyed every minute of it like a lot of moms I know claim to do.
I'm afraid I would bring the next baby home from the hospital and go "OMG what have I done?" 
Am I alone in feeling this way? Convince me that everything will be fine, because I want Jack to have a sibling, and I do want another baby.
I used to be a big deal. Now I'm just old.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Convince me to get pregnant.
Have you read the article Don't Carpe Diem? Its about how motherhood isn't about enjoying every single poopy diaper, colicky night, or tantrum, but loving the overall experience. That's really what this is all about.
I've heard from many, many people that it is way easier to go from one to two than it was to go from none to one. You know what to expect and you know what to stress over and what isn't a big deal (most everything falls into that last category). Having a newborn is always hard, but you'll have the one up this next time around.
And FTR, I know you're an awesome Mom whether you think it or not because you love that little guy with everything you have and act out of that love. Simple as that. :-)
Ginny DX 21-Hydroxylase Deficiency Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
Charlie DX Specific Antibody Deficiency & ASD
See, that's the part I'm really looking forward to, them playing together.
But I guess I just feel I'm barely keeping the house together and Jackson happy now and I wonder how the heck I'll do it with two.
I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of everything falling apart. I'm terrible at keeping up with the housework and I know it would only get worse with two. On the mornings we go to swimming lessons it's an insane dash to get up, get myself ready, get Jackson ready and fed and get out the door. I always think, OMG this would be impossible with another baby!!
Many moms CLAIM to enjoy every minute- sorry I don't believe a word of that. There are times were every mom feels frustrated and incompetent. I have had many of these moments. I was so afraid when I was around 30 weeks- if I could handle twins... then there were the nights of one waking the other up resulting in me getting very little sleep, oh and the time when I thought Nicholas swallowed the magnet, and when John fell off the chair- yep we all have moments.
Having two children is a lot of work- but I am sure you can do it. You are a good mom- you love your child and I am sure you would do anything for him.
A was VERY high maintenance for the first 6 months or so. So fussy, almost colicky and sleep was unheard of in the house. The newborn "sleepiness" only lasted a week if that. Once he became mobile he turned into a completely different baby and life became more enjoyable. Its not puppies and roses 24/7.....and anyone who says it is is lying or high.
But we wanted kiddos close in age but siblings really are great even with all the other challenges that go with having more than one. We are fairly financially stable but there will always be debts to pay off or things to buy to make life easier, but if we waited forever to get everything in a row.... dh and I would be talking retirements and pension plans.
I can't wait to see our kids play together, make each other laugh, give kisses/hugs or just talk to each other. All the good that is to come helps to outweigh the pitfalls of expanding (sleepless nights, fighting and learning how hard it can be to learn to share, maybe not taking some vacations or buysing certain things, etc)
Do whats right for you and your family and make sure your H is on board. And if you are feeling thirsty I'm sure we have some lovely dec. water around here somewhere
HUGS. Just take your time.
I love my big family...I can't wait to try for our last at the end of this year. Honestly I could have a dozen. Not that it doesn't have its down side, or that I don't have days where I am just done. I look to the future, how great it is going to be when we are out of the baby stage.
How about because I said so! lolz. Seriously, you are an awesome mom, I've seen it live. And just because you and the house aren't perfect =/= bad or unprepared person. Besides, J is so frickin cute!! How could you not bless the world with J version 2.0??
Nothing will ever be perfect, but it will always be OK.
Yea, I did read that when it was posted here, and it made me feel a lot better.
I think what kicked this off for me was a playdate we went on recently. The mom's house was immaculate and she was so over the moon about being a SAHM. I'm a SAHM and I just don't feel that way, I struggle, so I left feeling like sh!t and wondering how I'm going to do it with two.
I wish I knew a mom of two and could just go watch how her days go for a while and see the logistics of everything. Sometimes I wish I lived in an African village or something so that I could have grown up around babies and moms and learned how to freakin' do this. lol
Words outta my mouth.
When I doubt whether I could handle two I tell myself that it will only be for a short time (in the scheme of things). I mean I feel like I blinked and G was a year old. I'm going to blink again and he'll be in school. We can do anything for a short time!
I definitely understand where you are coming from! I actually kind of had the opposite reaction as you did/do. Connor was such an easy baby that I was naive and assumed #2 would be the same way...boy was I wrong. Aaron was very needy as an infant. Now that he is moving around and starting to talk he is less needy. I would also suggest maybe going to talk to someone. After Aaron started doing better, I crashed from exhaustion and was diagnosed with late onset PPD. I had those same "what have I done" feelings. I felt like I was not a good mom, and I wasn't enjoying taking care of my boys. All of this turned out to be the PPD.
I don't have anymore of those thoughts and I absolutely love being home with my boys! Good luck, and I hope things start looking up
Ok, first of all, that moms house was probably immaculate because you were coming over! I always clean when people are coming but it usually looks like a garbage truck exploded in here!
You may feel like a bad mom, but I guarantee you're not! You are thoughtful and kind and you knew what it took to keep him calm in the beginning even if it was kind of harrowing and terrible for you.
As for number 2, I think you could handle it at any time, but have you considered spacing them a little further apart? If you are just starting to really enjoy Jackson's more easygoing nature, maybe you can just let yourself enjoy that for longer. Of course, it's up to you and only you know how far apart you want your kids, but you don't HAVE to start trying this summer/fall!
You are not alone! In theory, I really want another baby and we plan to start trying late summer/fall. However, it literally overwhelms me when I think about it. I feel like we're in such a good routine now and that the beginning was.....horrific. She cried 10-12 hours a day, didn't want to be swaddled, held, wouldn't sleep. I just cannot envision that with a new baby and going back to that place. But then I think, "Literally billions of women in this world have had multiple kids and lived to tell about it". My theory is when you have two, you just have to learn to let go more. I am a freak about keeping the house picked up because it can get out of control so quickly. But some things are worth battling over (wearing a coat when you leave the house) and some aren't (letting her pull my t-shirts out of the drawers because it gives her 20 minutes of quiet time). You're a great mom and Jack would be a great big brother!
Dx MTHFR (C677T & A1298C, Compound Heterozygous)
I was pretty scared, and we delayed ttc by about 6 months. I went from initially planning on ttc when W was 12-18 months, to waiting until we'd have a 2.5 year age gap min (and got pregnant first month). I waited until I was ready to hold a newborn, but still wasn't ready when she came. I had months of mommy guilt about what I'd done. It had me in tears regularly, until they started playing together, and W told me how much he loves her, etc. But I still feel guilty that I don't have enough time with him. That will never change. I try to focus on what we'v egiven him. Sometehing someone said, a fellow bumpie, was that nwo she had two, wherever one was, the other was always at home. If they went to grandma's house to sleepover, mom shouldn't worry, as long as they were together. That sense of giving W a family member pushed me over the edge for being ready. As far as you can be ready. But that's no different thatn ttc the first time. We just now what to expect a bit more, you know? So we're going to be more scared.
I have friends who said going from 1 to 2 is easier than 0 to 1, and then some who say going from 2 to 3 is easier than 1 to 2. It's so subjective and depends on your babies. both of mine were clingy, boob-loving babies. M still is - I cannot get her to stop BFing to save my life! You can't plan, but just have to jump, you know? And as far as having another pregnancy before the 2s and 3s, you could also wait - I have a friend who is really pleased with her 3.5 year age gap becasue big sis is that much more independant and mature.
It is scary to add another kid to the family. And I also think it's normal to feel like you are a "bad" mom at times even though I doubt that you are. And it's true that the next baby may or may not be high maintenance. Baby #3 for us had colic for 2+ months and it was a really rough adjustment. But honestly adding a new baby adds so much to your life. It's hard but it's worth it. I don't think you'll regret having another child. No mom enjoys every moment of every day. There are days when I don't enjoy one moment of the day with the kids. But I can't imagine my life without each one of them. I love that they have each other - my kids are close. The worst thing about having more than 1 is the fighting - I hate it. But most of the time they play well together and are best friends with each other and would do anything for each other. It's wonderful. I hope they can keep this kind of relationship for their whole lives.
Anyways, I think try for another baby when you feel ready - it might not be for a while. And honestly that's okay. What is wrong with spacing them out a little bit. Don't feel pressured to have another child, but when you're ready it is so worth it!
Ugh, I feel the same way as you. Avery is a terrible sleeper, and recently she's had a major sleep regression (just when I thought I finally had it figured out...). I really feel sometimes like I'm not that good at this, and maybe it would be better if I went back to work. We'll be better at this with baby #2 though, right? I mean I made so many mistakes the first time that I'm going to learn from.
Did that convince you? I don't think I convinced myself...
i dont know if i am a great person to respond to this since i still have one baby, and just 2 weeks ago i was freaking out myself...but heres what i can say.
-my husband and i went in wanting multiple children (3-5). o had colic. it was BAD...i had PPD for a few months and i definitely was not thinking of more babies for a while. but then the colic ended, the PPD subsided, and the want for more children came back. if we were younger, i may have waited until O was 1-1.5 to conceive again, but such is life.
-there are times when i definitely feel like i havent been the best mother. but i know a lot of that insecurity comes from having a high needs baby. now that O is walking, and starting to play for a bit on his own, i can see that it will be doable. challenging, but doable.
-my house is a wreck. i feel bad about it...but my husband reminds me that this will pass, and the important things are making memories for O...so we leave the mess, and go to the park, or the beach. i set low goals for myself (dishes 1x per day, clean up toys before bed, make easy dinners, laundry 1x per week..thats it) i can do that, and then i feel like i met my goals. when O had colic, i did not accomplish these things, and im sure in the first few weeks/months of new baby, i wont either. oh well!
-i have a close friend who has 3 young children. she told me the first was the hardest. she said her second baby made her a better mother, and her third baby... an even better mother. i remember how tired she was with her first...today, she rocks it.
-i read on the 2 under 2 board, that the most difficult part of having two, is being pregnant while having a 1-2 year old (tired!). that once the baby is born..the first couple of weeks are crazy, and then you find your groove.
-i remember when our babies were somewhere in the 3-4 month range, you wrote a post asking about ideas for activities for J...that you wanted to engage/stimulate him more. i remember "activities?? my main desire is finding a way to put O down so that i can have myself back for a minute...and here this woman is focused on her child's growth...i suck!". you are a good mom!
whenever you decide to have another one, you will make it. just the fact that you are reflective of what you have to offer your family, shows that you care a ton...and that's really what it takes. good luck with your decision!
I am dreading, dread-ing having a newborn again. Those first 2months were awful, but the next 2 were better, and the next 2 even better. J was tough. I am scared of baby2 being as tough, or worse, but I'm also scared that he/she will be easy and I might bond/love them easier than I did with J.
This pregnancy is already so much different, and as I'm sitting here baby is kicking like crazy and I love it.
I think it will be better no matter what because I have an idea of what to expect. I know the hard times eventually get better. When they are 4week old lumps I will know that I'm only a week or two away from smiles and coos. And when he/she is 6month and refuses to eat any solid food I won't stress b/c I know eventually that tooth will come through and she'll want everything off my plate.
Also, I'm not trying to push anything but I just want to throw it out there - would you consider going back to work or taking a class? It's not for everyone but for me working has helped me stay me. My H is a SAHD and I know he felt like if the house and J weren't perfect he was failing. He's taking a class now (2 nights per week and every other Sat) and he just seems so much happier.
It is so much easier the second time around! We were trying for #2, but when I got pregnant I freaked out. The whole "what have I done?!?!" freak out. I was worried we would be taking time away from Emma. I was afraid what having another baby would do to my marriage. Emma was a very needy baby, and my relationship with DH was on the rocks for a while. My house was always a mess and I was always so tired.
When Asher was born, the whole world changed. I was in love immediately. When Emma met him, she said "ah! It's my baby". She snuggled him and was so gentle. The little girl who always wanted me to hold her was suddenly content to sit next to me (without me ever having to ask her) just to stare at her baby brother in Mommy's lap. She never competed with him for attention. She was so young, we thought there would be issues with trying to get her to understand how to share, but there just weren't ever any issues. It's been amazing to watch them grow up together. They fight and steal things from each other now, but heaven forbid some one else makes one of them cry. If I scold Emma, Asher bursts into tears for her. If Asher falls over and cries, Emma runs over crying and makes sure he's okay.
In the last year, I've really learned how to let things go. My house is never clean unless I am expecting company. Emma runs around naked and pees outside, and I just don't even fight it anymore. Asher was a needy baby, but I had already survived it once, so I knew we could all survive it again. He was a much better sleeper than Emma, but I already has some tricks up my sleeve.
I am a SAHM. Do I love every minute? No effing way! But I wouldn't trade this for anything. I have days where I go to bed feeling like a failure, but they both still love me in the morning. I lose my patience, cry in the bathroom and an beg DH to give me five minute of peace. It's not all butterflies and rainbows, but it's the best ever. And the bond my kiddos share is amazing.
Sorry this is such a novel. If you want another baby, don't scare yourself with the "what ifs". It will work out. You are a great mommy, because you love your little guy. You will love another baby just as much.
Thank you for posting this. I am hoping that with the second kid, I will HAVE to be more organized and so I WILL be, and that everything will work out just fine.
Thank you so much for all the replies and great advice and encouragement. ? I honestly feel a lot better about the thought of having another baby. I also think to myself 'If it was that hard then everyone would only have one baby!'
I am also worried about not giving Jackson as much attention. When I think about it I feel so sad. But I also think that just being aware that he won't be getting as much attention will encourage me to give him more, or encourage DH to give him more.
I lurked the 2u2 board the other day and it scared me to read how hard it is at first. A lot of people said that going from 2 to 3 was easier than 1 to 2, but no one mentioned that 1 to 2 is easier than 0 to 1.. so I just felt like 1 to 2 would be super hard. lol That sounds super confusing! The point is, thank you for saying that the second baby is easier.
I feel exactly the same. I have often wondered if going back to work or like pp said maybe taking a class would be helpful. I just haven't really put that much effort into figuring out how that would work, which sometimes makes me feel even worse about it. :P DH is building me a craft room which I hope to use as a source of income, we'll see.
I do think that we will be better at this with baby #2. Even if baby #2 is just as hard as our LOs were, because we'll know what we're up against.
Turns out you ARE a great person to respond to this.
All of this is really encouraging.
As for my post about activities; at that stage I totally felt the same as you. I could put Jack in the bouncer for maybe 2 minutes to put my makeup on in the morning to feel more like myself.
I really felt like a failure because I had never been around babies before, and wished that I had taken some kind of early childhood education classes. I felt like I needed to be doing more with him than just having a crazy unstructured day of barely getting anything done with the house and with him. I honestly think back to then and think "What did we even do??" All I can remember is feeling frustrated about not accomplishing anything during the day.
Not only that, but now we know how quickly it really does pass. Those first few weeks I couldn't believe it would ever get better but it's like we blinked and they're toddlers. I think (hope) that I will be able to cherish the newborn stage a little more with #2 because I know that it really does go by SO fast.