If you SAH..

Rink08

There have been quite a few posts over the past few months about people who SAH and don't feel like their DH contributes/helps/does his share/ect. I feel like DH and I are the minority in our beliefs regarding this issue on here although we were both raised in households that operate the same way that we do.

Since I SAH, it is my responsibility to take are of all household chores, groceries, and anything child related. DH is the one who works and so he takes care of all financial issues and also does anything that I can't do-such as shoveling while I'm pregnant, chopping wood, working on our cars ect. I don't expect him to help around the house on his days off or take charge of any of the children's activities although he sometimes will. When we both worked, we shared responsibilities and did what needed to be done as we needed to.

If you SAH, how are your jobs split? What do you expect from your DH? 

GrayGhost13

We're a little different in that my husband is an SAHD and I work. But no, I don't expect him to do 100% of the chores or 100% of the childcare.

The way I see it, his "job" is to provide good, attentive care to my son (and our three pets) while I'm away from the home. If he can get some household duties done during the day, that is also appreciated. When I am home, I try to maximize my time with LO, so it ends up that my DH does do a greater share of the non-child household work than I do, but I definitely do my part. We were already pretty good at dividing things up in an equitable way before we had kids, so we mostly just added our new duties on top of the old ones, rather than doing a total reshuffle of duties.

If roles were reversed, I think I'd expect a similar arrangement. However, I 100% believe every family is different and different arrangements work for different families, so I expect we'll hear as many different answers as there are different families, and that's cool too.

TBLilyRose

We share responsibilities. I can't vacuum while DS is awake because he's afraid of it so he does while I entertain him in another room or vice versa. I cook dinner and we alternate doing dishes (I like to do dishes so he can spend time with DS but sometimes it's nice when he does them). Some evenings he will clean the kitchen while I clean the bathroom so we can get them done at the same time and then just relax and not have to worry about it. 

Neither one of us subscribes to the thought that one is more responsible for house issues than the other. He knows sometimes my days at home with DS are more tiring than his days at the office! 

sroszc

I think we're trying to be the traditional family in that I provide most of the childcare and do all of the work around the house.  I struggle with it sometimes because when DH and I met we were both completely self-sufficient.  We each had our own homes, good careers, etc.  It's hard sometimes to see DH come home and veg on the couch, or watch movie trailers on his computer while I clean the kitchen after cooking dinner, or try to keep DS entertained before we hit bedtime.  However, I know that he works really hard running his own business and he is constantly thinking about how he can make us more financially secure.  I don't have that worry day-in and day-out.  I appreciate all that DH does or doesn't do around the house because he works very hard at keeping our family comfortable.  I will gladly continue to assume all child and home related responsibilities.   

 

desertlady86

I do most of the house work but I do expect DH to help. I also expect him to pick up after himself and to help pick up after DD.

tiffanyp

I do all of the household stuff since I SAH, and I don't really mind doing it. What bothers me though is that on the weekends, I still always feel like I'm "on duty" when it comes to childcare, and he gets to decide when and if he wants to participate. He has a demanding job and often has to work weekends, and I get that, but would it kill him to change a few diapers, give her a bath or feed her once in a while? Or (God forbid) wake up with her at 6:00 a.m. so that I can sleep in once every 13 months? Or maybe offer to take her to the park without me on the weekend so that I can have 30 minutes to myself? I could use a break too, and the only time I ever get one is when she's sleeping.

Op, I'm not really sure which posts you are referring to. Most of the complaints have been from working moms whose husbands still expect them to take care of the kids and household. Mommysaurus has a part time job (and an Etsy shop I think) so she never gets a break.  

Ltlsktl30

I do the majority of the housework and DH provides for the family.  Although, I would love to have a little help now and again and not have to pick up after HIM, too!

I do struggle with it because I feel like that's all I am doing.all.day.long.  I wouldn't give up being a SAHM for anything though  

janneann1127

Since I SAH, I pretty much just end up doing all the chores by default. Actually it is fine with me because I don't mind doing it. When DH gets home in the evening, who makes dinner is 50-50. If I have a plan in mind, I'll do it, but most of the time he makes dinner. Sometimes he cleans up, sometimes I do. The one who isn't cleaning usually does G's bath and gets him in his PJ's. Then we will play with him together until bedtime.

On the weekends, I don't expect DH to do any chores. He has a really stressful job and I know he needs the time to relax. We do run errands and things on the weekend, and we do it together. He offers to get up early with him once a week, but I never let him. He gets up at 520am during the week, and I get to sleep til 545 or 6 pretty much every day.

So, I guess you could say that I do most of the household responsibilities, but he is very much a part of things when he is around.

chickaboo1974

I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, and 90% of the childcare.  DH works- and lets face it my DH's job is not that stressful (he works in Pharma)- he takes care of car maintainence, taking the garbage out, and mows the yard/clears snow.  In the warm months I also take care of our veggie garden and the flower beds.  Oh and add 3 dogs that I take care of.  So yeah I think my DH has a good life.

alicb

I think we share responsibilities pretty evenly.  I think he knows that there are days when DD takes a three hour nap and so he comes home to a clean house, then there are days when DD has no nap and has screamed at me all day and the house looks like a tornado just blew through. 

I will say that I TRY to schedule DD's nap so that she is asleep for about an hour when he gets home (he gets home in the early afternoon), so he has a little bit of down time before hopping right into daddy mode.  Most days this works out some days it doesn't. 

I agree with pp every family is different and every family finds what works best for their situation!

IncogNeato

I SAH during the summer and plan to after this year. I will take on the childcare during the day and more of the cleaning/cooking. On the weekends childcare and cooking will hopefully be more shared. I plan to do grocery shopping, etc, and he will continue to mow the lawn, work on the cars, etc.

DH does not see childcare as a chore to be passed off, and when he's home he often wants LO to himself so I can't really imagine him being home in the evenings/weekends and expecting me to do bathtime, etc, by myself.

I know it will be a challenge to find a new balance but I hope to keep our lives somewhat similar when we're both home, but with a cleaner house and more cooked meals because I'll be able to do that.

Cheekers2010

Basically what Tobio said except I'm the SAHP. 

I SAH and my DH works outside the home.  I don't just say that he works and I SAH because I work, too.  My work is taking care of G and most of the household chores/responsibilities.  I don't believe that my DH contributes more than I do so I should have to be on duty except when G is asleep.  I contribute equally as much.  So, when our work days are over we share the work that takes place in the evening and on weekends.  I really don't understand the thinking that DH works outside the house so he gets to come home and sit on his butt all night.  And, I work all day but because it's in the home I get to keep working all evening, too.  How does that make sense?  

ChicagoBroad26

As a former working (successful) woman, it took me MONTHS to come to grips with the fact that Ava is now, in fact, my "job". Once I came to terms with that, things improved greatly. I have no problem caring for her and the dog while H works (he is a real estate developer so his hours vary greatly). When he is home, he is good about splitting responsibilities with her, although I still probably do "more", since I'm more familiar with her routine. It's different though; if he's in between projects then he's home a lot more- which leads to me thinking he should help a lot more. Sometimes it's easier if he's in the middle of a project because it's just more of a routine for both of us. We're in a pretty good stride and get along great these days

Rink08

tiffanyp:

Op, I'm not really sure which posts you are referring to. Most of the complaints have been from working moms whose husbands still expect them to take care of the kids and household. Mommysaurus has a part time job (and an Etsy shop I think) so she never gets a break.  

It's may not have been from this board but since this is my homeboard and know there are other SAH households, I asked here. I bounce from board to board (whichever ones are relevant to me) and have noticed the complaint recently. I wasn't singling anyone out, just wondering how other couples split up their duties. 

Dana86

I work part time but still do most of the cleaning and I do all of the cooking. I dont complain about it though, I figure Im home more than DH and have plenty of time to do the things that need to be done so why not just do them. This way on the weekends we have more time to do stuff together instead of biitching about who is going to do what around the house. It works for us though and I like the control of knowing when and how things get done so its easier to keep up with. Thats not to say DH doesnt step in and do laundry or take care of the dishwasher when he sees it could use to be done.

mrsdchastain

I don't expect my husband to do everything on his days off but I do think he should help me with LO. Because he gets days off, I don't. So no I don't expect him to cook or clean anything but I do think he should help take care of his daughter. I get up with her every night, I get up with her and let him sleep in but he can change a diaper here and there or give her a bath once and a while or put her to bed once and again.

MrsDe2008

I'm with some of the other posters. Even thought I SAH, that is my job. I do majority of the household chores and that was our agreement, but I do expect some help here and there. I don't ask DH to clean toilets, but I will have him help me feed Sam or change her or bathe her. He does cook sometimes, so that helps. But, overall, he doesn't really go out of his way unless I ask him and for the most part he doesn't give me a hard time.

Smores730

I SAH and do most of the inside chores and groceries while he does most of the outside chores. He usually does the dishes at night and pitches in to vacuum, mop, or do laundry if I'm behind on things or especially if we're having people over.  

As for the kids, when he's home we're 50/50 on caring for them. (except for when they were newborns and I did almost all of the wakings on the weekday nights) On the weekends we pick which day we want to sleep in while the other gets up. He puts my DD to bed every night and bathes her if need be and has since she was little. Our viewpoint is he opted to have kids with me; they are our kids and our responsibility to care for them. And fwiw he grew up in a household where his Dad only worked and didn't do much with the kids. He'll always tell my DH how much he regrets that now!

TripMomma

My husband works a lot, a 40 hour weeks is bare minimum, he gets a lot of OT and an 80 hour week is not unheard of here and there. With that said he is fully 50/50 with chores and all things that involve our kids, heck even 75/25 (him being the 75) when he is home. He cooks 99% of our meals, he takes out the trash, feeds and cleans up after the dogs and cats, does equal laundry and cleaning and is even equal with diaper changes, getting the kids dressed and ready. 3 weeks a month he gets them up for breakfast and I get to sleep in if I want (since Jericho is still not STTN many morning I take him up on it.)

Every day I am not only thankful that he does so much at home, but I am even more thankful that he wants to. He wants to be a partner, he doesn't treat me like a maid, he is totally involved with our lives and home.

Tb2331

TripMomma:

My husband works a lot, a 40 hour weeks is bare minimum, he gets a lot of OT and an 80 hour week is not unheard of here and there. With that said he is fully 50/50 with chores and all things that involve our kids, heck even 75/25 (him being the 75) when he is home. He cooks 99% of our meals, he takes out the trash, feeds and cleans up after the dogs and cats, does equal laundry and cleaning and is even equal with diaper changes, getting the kids dressed and ready. 3 weeks a month he gets them up for breakfast and I get to sleep in if I want (since Jericho is still not STTN many morning I take him up on it.)

Every day I am not only thankful that he does so much at home, but I am even more thankful that he wants to. He wants to be a partner, he doesn't treat me like a maid, he is totally involved with our lives and home.

Your family sounds just like ours. I work one or two 12 hour shifts a week and on the days I work Dh is home with M. I expect him to do dishes/laundry and clean up just like I would. We believe in an equal partnership, it works for us and I love it. We also on days we are both off together take turns sleeping in.

lindseybell3

Kellog+1:

Basically what Tobio said except I'm the SAHP. 

I SAH and my DH works outside the home.  I don't just say that he works and I SAH because I work, too.  My work is taking care of G and most of the household chores/responsibilities.  I don't believe that my DH contributes more than I do so I should have to be on duty except when G is asleep.  I contribute equally as much.  So, when our work days are over we share the work that takes place in the evening and on weekends.  I really don't understand the thinking that DH works outside the house so he gets to come home and sit on his butt all night.  And, I work all day but because it's in the home I get to keep working all evening, too.  How does that make sense?  

This,

OP, I'm a little concerned that you feel you have to do not only all of the housework but all of the "childcare" too.  You may SAH but it's your husband's child too.  You shouldn't feel like you are soley responsible just because he works outside of the home.  You are contributing your household too and deserve a break!! 

jnicolen1

Kellog+1:

I SAH and my DH works outside the home.  I don't just say that he works and I SAH because I work, too.  My work is taking care of G and most of the household chores/responsibilities.  I don't believe that my DH contributes more than I do so I should have to be on duty except when G is asleep.  I contribute equally as much.  So, when our work days are over we share the work that takes place in the evening and on weekends.  I really don't understand the thinking that DH works outside the house so he gets to come home and sit on his butt all night.  And, I work all day but because it's in the home I get to keep working all evening, too.  How does that make sense?  

we fall in line pretty well with this also....most of the time.  right now we just moved so my husband has started a new job (for which he works long hours)  and is also studying for the CA bar exam.  he is up studying until 1-2 am most days.  because of this, i try to do as much as i can without collapsing (im big, pregnant, and tired!).  i cook dinners, wash dishes, laundry, shop, etc...and assume ill put O to bed unless DH has time.

on nights that he gets home in time, he likes to take a break from studying to help get o bathed and put to bed...pick up toys, etc.  this morning, he walked to pick up our car from the shop, and took O with him so i could relax with a cup of tea.  once the new job settles down, and he is done with the bar exam...things will go back to 50/50 in the evenings. we actually have never discussed how this would work, it just kind of happened this way.  i think my husband realizes that i am just as tired as him at the end of the day and would feel bad just lounging around...plus he misses O a ton since he is so busy...he wants the time with him...even if its just changing a diaper.

last night o was in his usual squirmy state before bed.  my husband came down and said "man, he wore me out in five minutes...you must be tired!".  um, yep..and im so thankful you get it!