starting over? in need of advice

BostonLove11

Hi there,

    I'm an infrequent poster but I lurk often and hope I could get some advice from you knowledgeable ladies.  We started the IA process about 14 months ago.  We choose the Korea program for many reasons (ironically, stability was a big one).  Unfortunately, things really started to slow down in the program when we were getting our HS approved but we continued on.  As of today, we could be matched with a boy immediately or a girl my agency thinks by July.  But the scary part is the wait to travel is now 18 months and growing since the government keeps freezing the visa process for kids about to go home every couple months for various reasons.  My husband and I are extremely distraught on whether we should continue on with this program knowing that we could have to wait years to go get our child meanwhile watching them grow up with a foster family.  If it would be one thing if it was a sure 18 months, but everything seems so up in the air with the program right now and every couple months they change the estimated timelines.  There really is no other international program we are interested in besides the China special needs program, but my husband is not 100% on board with a SN adoption at this time and it is not right for me to pressure him.  

      So, all of this has us thinking about starting over with domestic.  The biggest reason why we didn't pursue domestic in the first place is probably because I thought our odds for getting chosen by a birthmother were low because we already have a bio son.  This does still scare me but hopefully there are some birthmoms out there who would welcome this.  

     The thought of starting paperwork all over again (our agency doesn't do domestic), completing another homestudy, and starting the waiting process again seems so daunting at this point.  Sometimes adoption just seems so impossible.  We want another child so badly so we will keep trucking along but this process has definitely taken it's toll on us.  

     I know we can only do what is right for us...but if any of you were in my shoes, what would you do?  Stick it out with Korea despite the uncertainly of how long you have to wait to travel?  Or completely start over with domestic?  Have any of you taken a completely different route like this mid-stream?  Thanks for letting me vent! 

 

 

Dr.Loretta

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry your wait has been so long. That has to be so frustrating.

To be honest, I have no idea what I'd do. Part of me thinks you've gotten this far in the Korea program, and you're invested in it, and you are likely to be matched soon. But the wait can take its toll, and I'm sure part of you is thinking you could have been matched with a child domestically by now.

On the other hand, there are risks involved with domestic adoption as well. As you mentioned, you're concerned that birthparents would hesitate to pick APs with a bio child (though that's not necessarily going to hold you back--like you said, some birthparents would love their child to have a sibling). Or the adoption could fall through, and you'd have to wait until another match was made, and hope for it to go more smoothly.

We stuck with domestic adoption, in part due to not really knowing much about the programs out there, and not having the resources to travel. However, DH had a CW who waited 4 years for her daughter to come home from China. If you talked to her now, I'm sure she'd say it was worth it.

GL with your decision.

mom2emb

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to tell you that having a child already can be a positive thing.  As a birthmother, it was important to me that my child have at least one sibling, so I picked a family that already had a son.

Good Luck!  

miss1180

i'm actually in the Korea program now, so i know where you're coming from!! we were matched in August, our son will be 15 months old next week... and we have no idea when he'll be coming home! :-(  its so hard.. especially since our friend has a daughter who is 3 months older, and we see all the cute, fun things she's diong at this age- and what we're missing out on.

 BUT, in our case, we're matched, we're invested... not just as far as money, but emotionally. we know that he is our son. he's meant to come to us- whenever that is. People that see his picture even say that he looks like my DH LOL

 BUT, i'm not gonna lie. i've definitely felt like we should have gone the domestic route- more than once!! this is our first child, and i feel like we'll be missing out on experiencing the 'baby" stage. BUT, at the same time, I know the kids in Korea need homes. There is SUCH a stigma over there with kids born to single mothers. That if he stayed there, he would actually have less oppoutunities when he gets older (as far as jobs, etc). I feel like while the newborns that get domestically adopted here in the US DEFINITELY need homes, too.... he almost needs one more. He'll be able to get away from that stigma.

   That to me, is worth the "extra" heartache and waiting that we're having to deal with.

noonecarewhoiam

I have 2 sons (bio sibs) adopted from Korea.

At this point, I would not recommend the Korea program to anyone starting an adoption unless they had a specific affinity for the country (such as heritage, which I understand may be handled differently anyway). Too much is in flux, and I believe the country will totally phase out IA prior to the 2018 winter Olympic Games, or have only a SN program from that point forward.

I hear great things about the China SN program, especially if you are willing to adopt a boy.

silliestbunny

Such a hard decision and only one you can make.

Part of me believes that you started on this path because your child is there and needs you... and it will be harder on you than it is on him to wait.

Then the pragmatic part of me thinks otherwise.

Are you prepared for some of the issues related to an older toddler?  I know the appeal for us when we looked at certain countries was that you would have a baby to bond with and might forgo some of the bonding issues. 

RE: a bio son and adoption... I wouldn't sweat it. DA has it's own unique bumps but i don't think that having a bio son would cause much more to the drama than what already exists!

 Good luck.

PS-  If it were me, i'd probably stick it out.  That's just me though.

julandjo

We have two bio kids and are doing domestic infant adoption.  We had the same fears, but our caseworker said it's pretty much a 50/50 split on whether birthparents want their baby to be an "only" or to have instant sibling(s).

jillianmb

I think I'd have to make a "gut decision" about staying the process or not.  Sometimes you have to do things "against the odds" just b/c you know it is your calling.

That said, good friends of ours adopted a boy with SN from Korea two years ago and just visited Korea in December to advocate for Korean domestic adoption of children with SN.  They want to adopt from Korea again in the worst way, but after talking to social workers, orphanage workers, etc., in the country, they decided that they just can't do it.  The officials said, "Unless you are pursuing a child with special needs, do not try to adopt from Korea right now."  They were very clear that there was no hope of our friends being able to adopt a non-SN child from Korea anytime soon (and they aren't pursuing another SN child).  They were so disappointed, but at least glad that they received a clear answer.

 I just share this with you to say that from what I've heard about Korean adoptions (we also considered that country this summer when we started our adoption journey) and from my friends' personal experiences, everything you are saying about Korea seems to be true. 

So sorry you are going through this tough decision.  I hope your answer becomes clear and you have soon have peace about the path to your child! 

BostonLove11

I can't thank you enough for all the responses thus far.  I really appreciate you taking the time.  I've been trying to follow my heart this whole time, but things are getting fuzzy at this point and we are just so confused and I don't know what is right for us anymore.  I was so sure of the Korea program a couple years ago, but now everything has changed. 

Honestly I'm feeling anger...if we started our journey a year before we did we would already have our child and if we started it a year later never in a million years would we have choosen the Korea program.  Basically we went into it right when they didn't really know how everything was going to play out. 

BostonLove11

noonecarewhoiam:

I have 2 sons (bio sibs) adopted from Korea.

At this point, I would not recommend the Korea program to anyone starting an adoption unless they had a specific affinity for the country (such as heritage, which I understand may be handled differently anyway). Too much is in flux, and I believe the country will totally phase out IA prior to the 2018 winter Olympic Games, or have only a SN program from that point forward.

I hear great things about the China SN program, especially if you are willing to adopt a boy.

Thank you and I agree, I tell everyone to run from the program who is starting out right now.  But unfortunately we are 14 months into it and I could call my agency tomorrow to get a referral for a boy (they have several unmatched boys right now).  The question is can we handle the indefinite wait to travel. 

angandvance

Oh man...I do not envy you one bit. What a decision!!! 

If you're a praying person, I advise you to pray. If you are/aren't I'd advise you to ask the people closest to you for advice to see what they say.

It's tough for me to say what I would do, but I have a feeling I'd want to stick it out, because I become attached to things...including ideas...so easily.

I truly hope you  get your answer soon. Good luck!!!