Maybe I'm just sensitive

KLeuch

This is a series of events that has been transpiring over the past couple of weeks, so if you don't want to read a long rant, this post might not be for you ; )

A few weeks ago the preacher's wife at my church came up to me and told me she had just heard about my m/c. Then she starts talking about this other young couple at church who lost their four month old daughter earlier this year and how my DH and I should get together with them because the woman is pregnant again and is having the same issues that threatened her first pregnancy. The woman didn't go to this church until she married her husband who has gone there for awhile. I went to her DD's funeral, but we've never really been friends because we just don't know each other. Anyway, the preacher's wife was telling me that maybe I could reach out to her because people just don't know how hard it is. It's not that I don't want to be this woman's friend. It's just that I don't know that I'm up to it emotionally. I mean I'm barely taking care of myself right now, I don't know how I could help her right now.

A week later I told my best friend the story. And added that I'm going to see a counselor. And that I just couldn't handle other's people's pregnancies right now as much as I want to be able. I did tell her though, because I know she wants to TTC, that when she gets pregnant I'll be happy for her. I'm just not in a good place right. And she said that she understood because her and her husband want to start TTC but they're not in a good financial place to do it right now. And it was so annoying to see other people getting pregnant when she can't right now. I was one of those people getting pregnant just over a month ago? That made me feel really terrible. But I've been trying to ignore it.

Now, am I crazy for being a little hurt by what my friend said? Or am I crazy? I mean DH and I also had to wait until we were in a good financial place to start TTC, but I don't think that's the same as losing a pregnancy. I know she was only trying to help. But, she's never lost a pregnancy. She doesn't quite understand.

nevarloc

It sucks to be on this board no matter what and with the hormones and trauma of the event, something that was meant to be benign ends up being blown up.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your friend was just trying to connect to you in a way she understands. From her perspective, in the tunnel vision some of us get while TTC, it does hurt to see other get pg when you know you can't/should wait for whatever reason (having to wait after m/c or money or a job or dh to finish school or whatever). 

 It sounds like when you were telling her that you would be happy for her when she does get pg, you were trying relate to her and not hurt her feelings for when she does get pg. It just seems that she was trying to tell you she understand how you feel b/c she wants what she can't have, either. 

Is it on the same level? Probably not. But, when we all go around walking on eggshells around our friends, it doesn't help the situation either. So if it still bothers you, just talk it out with her. Maybe she doesn't understand the loss. 

I was talking with my cousin the other night and when she lost her baby in Oct, I didn't comprehend what she was going through until I went through it. In a sick way, we were both grateful that the other had gone through it b/c until you do, you just don't understand.

So, deep breath and get some coffee  with her and hear her out. 

KLeuch

I know she was just trying to help. The thing that hurt most was that I felt like she had been annoyed with me for getting pregnant in the first place. I had already been nervous about telling her because she always talks about how annoying it is the people post FB pics of their ultrasounds etc. I mean I really get annoyed with thos pics, statuses, etc. now but I know people should be happy for their blessings. I can't stop them. If it bothers me that much I figure I should block their feed or get of FB because I would want to share if I were that happy.

I don't know. I know I should just tell her how I feel, but.....ick...ya know?

CTA7

I don't know, she may have felt annoyed but it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.  Its just a frustrating fact of life that some women have a hard time having children, while others seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  You can try to be sensitive to others' feelings when you talk about it (which it sounds like you did), but beyond that you can't just put your life on hold for someone else.  I'm sure on some level your friend understands that.