People against working moms

kciriello

I announced my pregnancy at work today, and a colleague who is now a grandmother but stayed home with her own kids reacted in a way that kind of bothered me (but which I expected). She's long made comments that indicate that moms who work are somehow inferior - and bad parents, even - versus moms who stay home with their children, as she did. In fact, we have a co-worker who recently had a baby and had a lot of difficulties with breastfeeding so she stopped. My colleague actually said that it didn't really matter anyway since this person was planning to return to work and had already decided not to make that commitment to be at home with her son. How harsh!

I just need to vent b/c I find this so incredibly judgmental and offensive. Sure, it's her right to feel this way, but man - it's harsh! I am a mom of a 2 year-old who I continue to breastfeed, attachment parent, and treasure as my moon, sun and stars. My son has a wonderful nanny and my mom to look after him when we're at work and on the days 3 days per week that we're home, he has the attention of two loving parents. It's so offensive to be judged as somehow not a good parent simply because I don't choose to be a SAHM like she did. And her reaction to my pregnancy today indicated that clearly she's already written me off and probably even feels sorry for my unborn baby who will no doubt also be left in the care of someone besides me.

I just wish that we could all accept and value one another regardless of our choices. I truly feel I'm a better parent because I work but I fully realize that this is not the case for everyone. OK, vent over. Thanks.

Matt Dvorak

yeah, I can't help but have these types of comments bug me as well. I was reading an article online that I shouldn't have recently about how one parent should stay home. The comment section included people stating that mothers who choose to work are narcissistic and selfish. Yes, it is SELFISH to work - yes, because working is the most fun thing ever and everyone has so much fun there. As if I was spending the day at the spa while LO is at daycare... 

WordsmithMom

I'm in the "everybody do what"s best for their family and butt out of everybody else's business" camp.  SAH worked for her/her family, but WM works for yours. She needs to STFU.  And if she continues to make disparaging comments about your and other coworkers' parenting, someone - you, her boss, HR, whomever - needs to tell her to stop harassing her coworkers like this.

kciriello

EspressoBean:

I'm in the "everybody do what"s best for their family and butt out of everybody else's business" camp.  SAH worked for her/her family, but WM works for yours. She needs to STFU.  And if she continues to make disparaging comments about your and other coworkers' parenting, someone - you, her boss, HR, whomever - needs to tell her to stop harassing her coworkers like this.

I'm the boss. Guess I need to have a convo with her...

saverchic

She sounds like a crazy person.  I agree with the pp, that she needs to shut it. 

WordsmithMom

kciriello:

EspressoBean:

I'm in the "everybody do what"s best for their family and butt out of everybody else's business" camp.  SAH worked for her/her family, but WM works for yours. She needs to STFU.  And if she continues to make disparaging comments about your and other coworkers' parenting, someone - you, her boss, HR, whomever - needs to tell her to stop harassing her coworkers like this.

I'm the boss. Guess I need to have a convo with her...

Sounds like someone's bitter that she's being managed by someone decades younger than she... 

In all seriousness, yes, this toxic woman and her little digs are a huge liability to your organization from both a morale and an HR perspective.

2-Step

I have two older women at my work who act this way quite often toward the working moms here. It's sad that they can't support other women in motherhood and the workplace. It's sad that they can't see that different lifestyles can enrich a child's life and not look at the world with a closed mind. Basically, I just think of them as sad people. Women and especially moms come in all forms and the only way women are going to succeed in this world is if we support each other. I understand how frustrating it is, but it comes from a close minded place and probably out of insecurity, so try to ignore her.

2-Step

EspressoBean:

kciriello:

EspressoBean:

I'm in the "everybody do what"s best for their family and butt out of everybody else's business" camp.  SAH worked for her/her family, but WM works for yours. She needs to STFU.  And if she continues to make disparaging comments about your and other coworkers' parenting, someone - you, her boss, HR, whomever - needs to tell her to stop harassing her coworkers like this.

I'm the boss. Guess I need to have a convo with her...

Sounds like someone's bitter that she's being managed by someone decades younger than she... 

In all seriousness, yes, this toxic woman and her little digs are a huge liability to your organization from both a morale and an HR perspective.

This is exactly the case in my situation as well. She SAH for 20 years and then expects because she's been here longer and is older that she should be above me so she takes cheap shots about my committment to my job. Insecurity.

laurakaz13

My MIL says stuff like this.  She told me, a woman with an MBA managing an entire medical clinic, that "the problem with kids today is that mothers work." 

I just roll my eyes and say, "Huh, what an interesting point of view."  Just realize that she's from a different era. 

jo4janet

You don't have to justify how much you love your children and family to anyone but your family. This coworker is a jerk and there are tons of people out there like her that are going to talk crap about whatever decisions people make as parents, even though it's none of their business. People like her get on my nerves, too, but then I remember that they're not paying my bills or even really matter in my life and then I feel better about my situation. I am also part of the camp that says to do what's best for you and your family because in the long run, they are the only ones that matter.

emberlee3

jo4janet:

You don't have to justify how much you love your children and family to anyone but your family. This coworker is a jerk and there are tons of people out there like her that are going to talk crap about whatever decisions people make as parents, even though it's none of their business. People like her get on my nerves, too, but then I remember that they're not paying my bills or even really matter in my life and then I feel better about my situation. I am also part of the camp that says to do what's best for you and your family because in the long run, they are the only ones that matter.

This.  I really don't let stuff like this bother me.  My son is happy and thriving with both parents working, and--gasp--he's been in daycare his whole life!

Mrs.Handy

There is really no point arguing with those type of people. I choose not to waste my time justifying my choices.

terpsfan

Comments like these only bother me when they come from co-workers because essentially I have morphed overnight from being a person who (I hope) they liked to work with and value my work to "mom".  Like what happened?  You don't like to work with me?  You'd rather I quit?

MandiNewMommy

Well not everyone has the money to be a stay at home mother.  Yes I would love to be able to but then we would not have a house, money for food, gas, diapers.  When someone says something like this to me I say well would you like to support my family then.  If you are someone who does not "have" to work but still do that is on you.  I don't understand why people make things there bussiness when it has nothing to do with them.  Like PP said I would say something to your boss or HR that is not right for her to put people down like that. 

SunMoon&Stars

kciriello:

EspressoBean:

I'm in the "everybody do what"s best for their family and butt out of everybody else's business" camp.  SAH worked for her/her family, but WM works for yours. She needs to STFU.  And if she continues to make disparaging comments about your and other coworkers' parenting, someone - you, her boss, HR, whomever - needs to tell her to stop harassing her coworkers like this.

I'm the boss. Guess I need to have a convo with her...

Um, you need to do more than that. This is harassment. 

duchess0727

I know it's hard not to take this personally but don't.  I think most people who make statements like that do it out of some insecurity they have - like they need to justify that they made the best choice.  Maybe this person doesn't have the relationship with their children they wanted or is angry because now, years later, they are way behind in their field.  Consider this person is a grandmother and reporting to you.  I would just chalk it up to their own insecurities and feel confident that you are doing what is right for your family!

Fianschneid

You're a better person than I am. I'd start making snide comments back to her when she said anything about coworker or about you.

SunMoon&Stars

duchess0727:

I know it's hard not to take this personally but don't.  I think most people who make statements like that do it out of some insecurity they have - like they need to justify that they made the best choice.  Maybe this person doesn't have the relationship with their children they wanted or is angry because now, years later, they are way behind in their field.  Consider this person is a grandmother and reporting to you.  I would just chalk it up to their own insecurities and feel confident that you are doing what is right for your family!

Really? Would you make excuses like this for an employee harassing another employee because she doesn't like her religion, hairstyle, clothes,  where she's from, etc,? Why is it OK for an employee to harass someone because she disagrees with her choice to be employed?

Also, the fact that a subordinate is harassing a boss just shows she has a serious attitude problem. 

LillyGrrl

It's her issue to deal with, not yours.

You are letting her into your head and you feel guilty because some how you feel like you are doing the wrong thing and she's bringing attention to that.

Feel good in your decision to work, you don't have to justify it to anyone.

JG362009

That's beyond annoying.  I seriously hate when other people judge the decisions you make for your family.  I grew up in a household with two professional parents and my mom was incredibly respected in her field.  Sure, she traveled for work and wasn't home all of the time, but she taught me that your education is incredibly important and you can do anything you put your mind to.  I'd take a lesson like that over her staying at home.  I'm so grateful my mother worked and I hope my kids feel the same way about me. 

krissyj75

MandiNewMommy:

Well not everyone has the money to be a stay at home mother.  Yes I would love to be able to but then we would not have a house, money for food, gas, diapers.  When someone says something like this to me I say well would you like to support my family then.  If you are someone who does not "have" to work but still do that is on you.  I don't understand why people make things there bussiness when it has nothing to do with them.  Like PP said I would say something to your boss or HR that is not right for her to put people down like that. 

  

Spenjamins

LillyGrrl:

It's her issue to deal with, not yours.

You are letting her into your head and you feel guilty because some how you feel like you are doing the wrong thing and she's bringing attention to that.

Feel good in your decision to work, you don't have to justify it to anyone.

Exactly. It is your issue to deal with, though, if you let it bother you.