silent treatment over labor & delivery
background: this will be my second birth. my mom was there for my first, in the L&D room with me and my husband (and my sister), from the moment we got to the hospital until after my LO was born. (labor was 26 hours!)
issue: last night i told her that this time i'd like to go to the hospital with my husband alone, having him there for my labor until it comes close to pushing time. then i'd like to call her and my sister, and have them both there for the delivery.
problem: this upset her so much (she said my LO's birth was the "best time in her life") that now she's not talking to me. she feels hurt and upset.
question: am i being unreasonable? i feel like i'm taking crazy pills here! last time i checked, this was MY birth experience! ugh. support, please.
Re: silent treatment over labor & delivery
First off it should have been the best time of YOUR life not hers. Plus she was there for the first and you want it to be more between you and your DH, they should respect that. If they cant respect a small decision like that, to where they would be able to see the delivery anyways, that says a lot.
I am having an issue with my mom on the same topic. She wants to be part of the birth, but DH and I want it to be a special moment between us. My mom is pissed about it but it is about you, DH, your first child and LO. You are not over reacting, in fact it seems that they are having the overreaction.
You are better than me - there is no way I would allow my mom or anyone but my husband in the delivery room with DS1. Both of our families stopped in to say hello for about 15 prior to pushing but when it came to pushing, it was just DH and I.
I think she just might need some time to calm down and think about it. Give her some time and she will eventually come around. Sorry you have to deal with that...it is your birth experience and everyone should respect that.
thanks so much. that's exactly it - "best time in her life" is WAY overdramatic! also - she has 3 children of her own. wouldn't those birth experiences seem to be top condensers for this title instead?
my mom has a tendency to make everything about her.
i'm sure she will come around in time, but this is killing me. i wish i had a mom who could just say, "of course i'll support whatever decision you make, and know that you're doing what you feel is best for you and your family!" and maybe "wow - thanks for including me in the birth of your baby! what an honor!" i mean, really?
my fear is that the only resolution will come after an apology from me, but i refuse to apologize for simply stating my needs/wants! right?
i hear you. we're very close, and i'm sure that's why this is hard for her. but honestly, i haven't excluded her from the actual pushing/birthing process - she'll be right there holding my leg for me!
it's just that last time, during the 26 hours of labor, she sat there on her iPhone the whole time. it wasn't like she was actually DOING anything anyway, you know? she just wants to be there.
Sorry you have to deal with this, especially when this should really be the time of your life. I am unfortunately in a somewhat simular situation myself. I had a c-section with my first child, and hubby and my mom were in the room with me when she was born. However I mainly wanted my mom there since a c-section is consider a major surgery and why wouldnt I want my mom with me if I am going under the knife ( you know what I mean). Well mother in law thinks she should be in the room this time around since my mother was there for my first, well how do I say this nicely, but no way in hell do I want my mother in law in the operating room with me! So I am battling with telling them they both cant come and just letting my and hubby do this one solo, but I know my mom is really going to get her feelings hurt and especially if I am telling her she cant come in because I am trying not to seriously hurt my mother in laws feelings.
ugggh frustrating, but back to you hun, I think you should definitely not let your mother make you feel guilty and if you and hubby decide you want to do it solo, then that is ya'lls decision and your mother should not make you feel bad about it.
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I agree with PP, it's what YOU want not what your mom wants.
Once she gets over it, tell her that your there to focus on the baby and want to be alone with your DH.
At least you still want her there during delivery.
I told my mom that she's not allowed in the room this time. Plus, she'll be at our house watching DS until the baby comes out this time. I know she wants to be there but she's the most reliable person for DS. We did the same thing when we found out the gender. Since DS wasn't allowed in, she stayed at our home with DS.
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You're not being unreasonable. I don't want anyone present except my husband, doula, and medical professionals during labor AND delivery. No way I want a bunch of people watching while I'm moaning and leaking and trying to concentrate on being calm. Hell, if I could get away with it I think I'd probably prefer to labor completely alone, but I don't think DH would stand for that.
Just leave your mom alone. She'll eventually realize she's being an unreasonable drama queen. And if not... oh well. You aren't responsible for how she chooses to react to a perfectly normal request.
4/25/12 ~ Our angel, Persephone James, is here!
Nope, no need to apologize because you haven't done anything wrong at all. Seems that she's making it all about her as she has a history of doing, as you mentioned, and she's prepared to pitch a temper tantrum to try and get her way with this (bet she has in the past, too). I'd say treat her like you treat your 3-yr-old when he/she has a fit over not getting his/her way with something: Set loving but FIRM boundaries, give brief explanations for why you prefer to have this birth experience with just your husband (and whomever else you want there; sorry, forgot some of the details!), and tell her WHEN she'll be invited to come visit her new grandchild. She'll probably try to push you into a corner for a while, but the key is firmness and consistency, like with our kids, right? Her behavior will maybe get worse before it (hopefully) gets better, but this is about YOUR needs, not hers. She obviously needs something if she makes everything about her, but you're the important one here, along with the baby. Sorry it's not easier with her for you; that stinks!
ugh. what an awful position for you to be in! hopefully you can discuss this with your mom and she can at least understand what you're struggling with. moms sometimes (if you're lucky) know just the right answer to puzzles like this.
and thanks for the support. with my mom, guilt is the name of the game. i'm trying not to feel it, but she's laying it on thick!
Make a pregnancy ticker
thanks! you're right. in a way, i have been responding to her the same way i would with my kiddo. she's being childish. i'm refusing to play along. trying hard not to feed the beast, know what i mean?
ultimately, i think she would never do anything to compromise our relationship, so i know she'll come around. i've just been sick to my stomach all day about this, and i wish she would just approach me to talk it out!
My mom is a bit upset because we don't want anyone to even visit at the birth center. L&D and the few hours afterwards are a time for us and to meet our daughter. But it's OUR daughter. It's OUR experience. That's OUR decision to make.
You're being very reasonable. Don't let her bully you.