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XP: Anyone's H a SAHD?
My SO and I are currently considering having him stay at home with my
almost 2 year old. I'm just wondering how the dynamics of our
relationship might change and whether anyone else has done this. I
make more than he ever could and he is currently out of work so it
makes sense. DS loves his daycare but it's so expensive and this makes a lot of sense financially and emotionally since I always seem to be struggling with day to day things around the house and this would give SO the opportunity to take care of that side of things.
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Re: XP: Anyone's H a SAHD?
My DH is a SAHD. Like you I make more than he ever could and with the cost of DC we decided it would be best for us if he stayed at home. So far it's been good, it's only really been a week since I went back to work but it is working out. I know in the beginning that his main priority every day is DD not the household chores. So, I have not said one word to him about the state of our house when I get off. I just try to get done what I can to help out and play with DD in the evenings. I remind myself that he will get better.
He is doing great. DD is loved and well taken care of and the dishes and laundry and various other chores are getting done. All with out me having to say anything. I think it helps MH to think of being home as a job with all the responsibilities that go along with it. He has said this to me before. It will be important to outline what you expect out of him day to day. If he stays at home will he do all the chores? Will you still help with x,y,z? If you both know what the expectations are it will be easier on everyone.
It's not full time, but due to DH's job (he works 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off), there are many days that he's a SAHD.
I get that financially, it makes sense, but does your SO WANT to do this? Staying at home all day w/ a child can be a lot. I adore my son, but I honestly can say that I could never be a FT SAHM. I just couldn't do it.
I think part of the reason my DH enjoys it is that it's not FT - every day, every week.
Also, you have to be realistic about your expectations of what he can get done while at home. If the point is to take care of your DS, then you can't necessarily expect him to get a ton of chores done. Kids take your attention!
ETA: I asked about does your SO WANT to do this because if he's not 100% on board, I could actually see that having an impact on your relationship. If he doesn't like it, is resentful that he "has" to do it, etc - I could see that affecting your relationship. Just something else to think about.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Our situation is a bit different. DH lost his job in Sept and hasn't found employment yet; we took C out of daycare in Oct. DH wouldn't mind remaining a SAH if we could afford it, but we definitely couldn't live on my income and DH is actively looking for a new job.
If SAH is an option, look at ways to keep DH and DS socialized and active outside of the house--library activities, local playgroups, swimming lessons, etc. I'm always very aware that taking care of a toddler is draining and exhausting (no matter how much you love them), so I am always encouraging DH to identify ways to get 'me' time for himself--nights out with the guys, watching a movie he likes on his own for a few hours. My DH is willing to help around the house but doesn't always seem to 'see' the same chores that I do, so we have a honey-do list most days, where I pick 2-3 things that I think could get done while watching C or quickly during naptime, so DH still should have plenty of down-time during the day. And I admit sometimes it's hard for me to feel like I get a break because I feel pressure to be 100% on and give extra attention to our son so DH gets a bit of a break, when all I want to do is veg after a long day; and I do feel guilty if I have any activities that leave DH with C longer. But we just talk things out as we go, and take it one week at a time trying to find a balance (like anything else in parenting). I think if you have good communication styles already, and your DH is interested in SAH (doesn't see it as a downgrade), then it should be fine.
My DH has been a SAHD for 3 years now. He was laid off in 2009 when DS was 4 months old and I was just finishing up maternity leave. It was an adjustment but we're still doing it so i would say it is a success. For your H, and your DD being 2 years old, I think that is a fantastic age to take this plunge. DH and DS had the best time around that age doing different activities (little gym, swimming at the Y, library story time), playdates with people he met along the way and doing the normal errands (food shopping, etc). They were ALWAYS out and that was DH's way of keeping them both busy. It is a bit more challenging now with a baby in the mix but they will find their rhythm soon.
DH has picked up consulting work which allows him to work from home 2 full days/week since our DD was born. For these days we have a sitter come to the house to watch DD and DS is in preschool part of the day. The reason I raise this is b/c this right now is his sanity. He needs to walk away and use his brain which is understandable.
It takes a good amount of communication and from my side, letting go and letting DH do things his own way. It might not be the way I would do things some of the time but the kids are fine and the task is done. You might be surprised what your DH can come up with for entertaining your LO. I certainly continue to be impressed by what my DH does with the kiddies. It's not for everyone but we said we would give it a good try and we really wouldn't trade it 99% of the time!
My DH is a cellist and works evenings/weekends. Scheduling naturally dictates that he can SAH. I am a teacher. Our schedule lines up nicely (most of the time). At first DH had a hard time because DD was a newborn...and not the easiest stage. Now that she's 17m, he loves being with her.
I think the hardest thing to figure out is what you expect of each other in those roles. You have to talk it out.
My husband stays at home to take care of our 3.5-month old baby. He's technically supposed to be working at home (he's got a small jewelry business) but with the little one inconsolable for Mama all day, he hasn't gotten into the workshop much yet. This is the fourth week of the arrangement (since I had to go back to work), and so far besides the little one having a much tougher time adjusting to me not being around than I thought possible, it's working. He hasn't run screaming, though the first week or two he was close to tears by the time I got home. He's determined to keep working on it, though - your husband should start in with this mindset.
It'll probably be a bit easier for a 2-year-old, and I second what PP's have said about getting out and being social (both with and without baby) to help keep him sane. Also getting any chores done will depend on communication a lot - but for us, I see baby laundry get done, cooking and the occasional burst of cleaning. Just talk about everything a lot, making sure to be accepting and non-confrontational. You can make it work!
My DH has been an SAHD since our son was born, and things are going great.
Every family is different though. DH was a full-time student for more than a year before DS was born (and I have been primary breadwinner for most of the years we lived together), so it wasn't a significant change in our lifestyle or relationship. Also, it's something we'd talked about for years, and it was completely DH's choice, so that helps as well.
Being an SAHD is great but not for everyone. I would start by asking some questions and listening to your SO and his feelings about the situation. Does he want to work? How does he feel about living on one income on a more permanent (versus temporary) basis? Is his career conducive to taking a break or can he keep a toe in the field to stay up-to-date? How does he feel when he spends long blocks of one-on-one time with DS? How does he feel being around the house alot? What are his expectations vs. your expectations for how he would take care of household duties?
Good luck with your decision! Whether or not you decide to go this route, I think it's great you're both open to considering it!
Like PP's - MEN DO NOT MULTI-TASK! Trust that your child is well taken care off but do not expect that he will get anything done around the house while you are at work. Unless he is a highly motivated kinda guy, suffers from OCD or is that magical male creature that exists only in our dreams.
DH is home with 2 kids now (he has been on and off since 2008 - he is in the Private Investigation Field which came tumbling down with AIG in 2008) and does his best but I generally still end up with most of the chores around the house. His sex drive has taken a tumble too - so I'm quite excited about him possibly going back to work some day and paying for daycare...the less time we spend at home during the week the less I have to clean - the more quality time we actually get. Sad but true for us.
Nothing is ever perfect - so for us it works right now - but in the long run I know that he would not be happy.
CrazyToast,
I always wondered what kind of music your DH did :-) My guy (Jared) is a guitarist and teaches guitar in the afternoons/evenings and then is in a few bands on weekends.
I'm a professor, so I can leave the office at 3-ish, and he can still teach at 3:30, so it works out well for us. Tonight's his "late" night when he teaches from 3:30-8:30.
The plan all along was for him to be a SAHD. It's going great except I stress about money a lot. I honestly think I'll be less stressed when I'm not the primary breadwinner, but right now, I know that Liam is having a blast at home and is well taken care of.
The only thing that's hard for me are the days when I'm home alone all day with Liam. (I know that sounds bad), but I have lots of grading/prepping for classes, which I do on weekends, so a lot of times I don't get to that until Jared's back from band practices, so sometimes I'm up until 2 a.m. prepping for the next day.
Oh, and our house is a disaster, but I'm horrible at cleaning, too, so it doesn't bother me as much as it seems to bother other women with SAHDs.
Mac and cheese lover!