Unexpected delivery? Traumatized?!

eroplane

Hi. I am 4 weeks post partum today and have been struggling with flashbacks/memories of my kiddos delivery. I haven't posted our story yet but the L&D portion went super fast and I feel kinda traumatized. 

I woke up to 4 humongous contractions and my sons water broke after the 4th. His little hand was sticking out. I don't think I even pushed when he delivered but then my daughter came 2 minutes later with 1 push. Start of contractions to daughters delivery 10-20 minutes.  It was so quick and unexpected (no one thought I would go that early - I even had a negative FFN) that the only doctor to make it was the NICU doc after my daughter was born. 

It was painful and emotionally traumatizing. Even though they were micro-preemies, it hurt like heck. I never never never wanted any aspect of a natural delivery. I feel robbed, like my babies were ripped from me with no warning. I feel like they would have had a better chance if I would have had a c-section vs delivering in my bed. 

Has anyone else had a rough/unexpected delivery? How do you deal with it? It's like the loss of my babies wasn't enough, something else to have nightmares about. 

Petunia844

Although my situation is different, I completely understand what you mean.  I went to the hospital at 33 weeks to have them let me hear his heartbeat, so I could "relax"... I was supposed to go home happy and comforted.  Instead, there was no heartbeat, no comfort.  I had to be induced that day... it was so different from the delivery I dreamed of and planned for.  I wanted a natural delivery, no induction, no epidural... a beautiful healthy baby boy.  Instead I had an induced delivery, with an epidural and a sleeping angel.  I feel both of us were robbed of the experience we deserved, he deserved the beautiful natural birth I planned for.  I know I did the best I could in the situation, but it doesn't take away the pain.  I know if I do get that birth with my rainbow I will feel guilty all over that Peyton didn't get what he deserved.  It's just not fair.  Big hugs.

roxyttandme

My delivery was pretty darn bad. Due to the whole experience I have PTSD. Seeing a therapist has really helped me as well as antidepressants. The thing that helped me the most was time. Nothing will bring our babies back. I found it crucial to be proactive in the healing.

(((hugs)))

I am so sorry for your loss....  

magdalina.h

I was traumatized from my c/s. It was the pure shock of the fact that he was being born early and not hearing him ever make a sound. Plus they had to perform CPR on him in the OR and all I got to see was his nose until I went to the NICU. It took awhile for the nightmares of that to go away. I even had nightmares that I gave birth vaginally even though I didn't.

eroplane

I appreciate the feedback. I know it seems minuscule compared to our grief for our babies but I just thought that aspect of it wouldn't be bothering me as bad still. I agree, our babies deserved better. I think eventually I would like to do something for March of Dimes or our NICU. Idk what but I think that would make me feel good to help out in their memory.  

 

Petunia844

eroplane:

I appreciate the feedback. I know it seems minuscule compared to our grief for our babies but I just thought that aspect of it wouldn't be bothering me as bad still. I agree, our babies deserved better. I think eventually I would like to do something for March of Dimes or our NICU. Idk what but I think that would make me feel good to help out in their memory.  

 

The March for Dimes does annual "march for babies" they do them all over the country and I think they're all in April.  You can sign up to walk and get people to sponsor you.  We're walking in April and it's amazing to see how many people have donated in honor of our son.  I'm also planning to make shirts with his name on them for everyone to wear when they come walk with us.  It feels wonderful to still be able to care for my son, even though it's not in the way I intended.  

butterfly843

The morning I was suppose to go home on bedrest I unexpectedly went into labor. The contractions were extrememly painful and the epidural didn't take for some reason. After I delivered I had to be rushed into the OR for a d&c because one of the placentas wouldn't deliver. They had to knock me out for that and regret that I had to be rushed into surgery instead of spending time with my babies.

dandywarhol

I had a placental abruption at 21w.  I started to have some spotting around 2pm.  Went to the ER at 5pm.  Heavy bleeding started around 5:15pm and my daughter was born at 8:14pm.  I think I pushed twice and even then it didn't occur to me that I was actually giving birth.  I knew she had to come out of me but I didn't realize that I was going to give birth. 

I am sorry that you have been traumatized.  I think that is a perfectly understandable reaction to what you went through.  {{hugs}}

eroplane

Thank you guys for sharing your stories. It is heartbreaking to see what everyone has been through. It's horrible that we have experienced this but it helps to know that I'm not alone (without trying to sound selfish). I told my husband that I was going to go back to work as a Post Traumatic Delivery counselor! I really feel they need someone to talk to the moms/dads when they come in and are facing imminent delivery or when it happens so suddenly. Even just an advocate for the parents when mom is woozy from surgery or just in shock.

I really like the March of Dimes idea. I will have to look into my local chapter here. April would be a good time because that was my due date - it would be nice to be really busy then.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

pb127

I didn't have a rough/unexpected delivery, but I did have some trauma and resulting nightmares regarding other parts of my loss. I just wanted to let you know that with a little time, some of the trauma and nightmares did subside (at least they did for me). I still carry a lot of physical and emotional effects of the trauma, but they're fading and being replaced with some happy pregnancy memories. I truly hope this will happen for you as well. Many (((hugs))))

nuttycoconut

I replay my childbirth experience every single morning when I wake up. The whole day was such a shock. I was at work in the morning, the the Dr. called to put me on bedrest. That evening I went to the hospital for spotting and was put on hospital bedrest. We talked to the Neonatologist about potentially having preemies or micropreemies. Then the contractions began. And got closer and closer together. So they gave me some pill to stop labor that I can't even remember the name of. Then I felt the urge to push and couldn't help myself and the membanes came out. I think I shocked the nurses and doctors because they said some kind of code on the intercom and everyone came rushing in. All of the sudden I was giving birth to my beautiful babies. I kept saying, "Are they going to make it?" and they just kept saying "No, honey they're not".  My DH kept saying, "We were supposed to take a class for this! We didn't even get to take the class yet."  We lost both babies in 55 minutes. Then I had to lay there for another hour while she scraped placenta pieces out of me. It was so painful...I think the most painful part. I was bleeding so much my husband thought I was dying too.  I just kept saying "I can't believe this happened, I can't believe this happened." All night long I had to listen to a lullabye played on the intercom each time someone had a healthy baby. I am SO traumatized by this and don't know when I'll stop reliving the nightmare. You are not alone. I hope one day we can all wake up and think about other (happier) things.

frogs007

I went to the hospital the cause Isaac wasn't moving.  When they couldn't tell if his heart was still beating or not I was rushed for an emergency c/s.  I was asleep for the whole thing.  The medicine made it so I don't remember anything, I don't remember them telling me that Isaac was dead.  I vaguely remember them showing me my dead baby (Isaac).  I have panic attacks when I hear about pregnant women having decreased movement.  My automatic solution is to have the baby cut out as soon as possible even though it didn't work for me.  I'm traumatized by the thought of my poor husband watching as they tried to restart Isaac's heart.  And I feel an immense amount of guilt for not being there.  For sleeping through the whole thing.  But the thought of being awake and listening for Isaac's cry scares me.  And knowing that Porter was set in a different room until my Mom told the nurse I'd want him there when I woke up.  I'm scared that when we have a rainbow baby I won't be able to do it because I'll be too scared.

weddedwife

I too had planned for a natural birth. Instead, I went into labor spontaneously at 22 weeks 4 days. The labor progressed FAST. Once they told me there was no hope for saving Nathaniel I opted for the pain meds, but they never had time to give them to me. So, I delivered him med-free and even though he was so little, it hurt like HELL. Then the placenta came out in pieces and I was hemorrhaging so I had to be knocked out for an emergency d&c.

I relive the birth all the time too. I don't want a natural birth for any future babies, if I am lucky enough to have any. Before this happened I was a total natural birth advocate, but the trauma and fear of Nathaniel's birth has scared me too much. It hurt SO bad and I can't imagine giving birth to a full term baby that way. I'm sure the fear had a lot to do with my pain level.

erbarmywife

I totally understand.  I went to L&D for lack of movement for my girls.  Got transfered to a different hospital, and told I would be put on hospital bed rest, at worst.  The new dr did an ultrasound, and told me I needed to stop drinking the coke that they were making me drink, I would be delivering in less than an hour.  I had an emergency c/s.  For the first week or so after delivery, that was all I dreamt about.  Going to the hospital thinking one thing, and then delivering my babies with no warning.  It only got worse after my second baby (baby A) died 20 days later.  I still have nightmares about that.

Honestly, I am petrified about having another baby now.  I will have a c/s, but that doesnt make me feel any better.  The delivery and recovery were so rough for me, that I just dont know how I will feel during the next delivery. 

shanaynerz

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure I can relate as my birth wasn't so traumatic. It was definitely not as I would have planned, but I found some comfort knowing both Kira and Ethan were delivered naturally and the placentas came out fine and my recovery was great. I was only on morphine and before I knew it, we realized my cramps were contractions and I was pushing out my babies. It was traumatic for me in the sense that my body totally took over and my mind was completely not present, and, well, it hurt like a b!tch. That was hard, knowing I'm essentially killing my children by pushing them out of me.

I hope you do see a counselor or find someone to talk to. It's terrible that not only do we lose our babies, but our births aren't exactly the sweetest thing either. Again, I'm so sorry you're experiencing such difficulty and I hope you start to feel better. *hugs*