MIL vent (can't believe it) Probably Long
campbaby76
member
First I have to say I love my inlaws, I always have fun with them but...This past weekend we went down to my IL's house. Kyle's sisters asked him to talk to their brother about getting his act together and move out of the house. He is 24 and completely dependent on his mother. When the idea of "us' talking to him was brought up I had decided to keep my mouth shut. The idea of the brother (lee) working for me has been brought up to which I have already said no way. He smokes a ton of pot and that does not fly in my business.
OK so I just kind of sat back and watched over the weekend and I learned a lot. My MIL totally baby's Lee, and favors the boys in the family. Lee went in to make a sandwich and then his mother came in and he totally manipulated her into making it. It didn't take much, she was eager to take over. At another point, she made my husband a salad when we were all sitting down to have lunch. (This is important later)
At one point we were all sitting around and my MIL announced that she had orders from her mother to get a whole list of pictures. She starts to rattle them off. They are all pictures of Jack and insert name here. Not once does she ask for a picture of Ellie. (my 15 month old neice and her daughters baby) I was so upset and embarrassed because it was so blatant. I felt terrible for my SIL .
On the way home Kyle and I were talking about everything. I was trying to point out to him that the issue is just as much his mom as his brother. I was trying to be very gentle and give him examples of how his mom does so much for them and doesn't really expect much of them. I said "she even made your salad when you were right there and could have made your own." So as we were driving he called her to suggest that they start charging him rent and make some other suggestions about how Lee needs to be the one to apply for jobs etc. He also told her that she has to stop doing everything for him and gave the salad making as an example. To which she replied "Well, I made it for you because you are company," I call bullshit. If she were doing it because he was company why didn't she ever make my salad, sandwhich, coffee etc.
He also told her that maybe she should go get a job or volunteer somewhere so that she was not so available to do for Lee. And her response was that she wasn't going to do that because she likes to watch her stocks...
I just feel like this family values boys more than girls and it really bothers me. I don't like the idea that when Jack came along Ellie kind of got pushed aside. My SIL is pregnant again and I kind of joked to Kyle that the only way this baby will get any attention is if it is twin boys. My other SIL told me that Jacks great grandmother talks about nothing other than Jack. How he is her boy etc etc,. This bothers me only in that he is my son and I should feel like I can brag about him and extoll all his virtues and instead I feel like I have to downplay the things he does because I don't want to over shadow Ellie.
This whole situation goes a long way to show why I have to BEG for help around the house. Kyle was just never expected to help. He was served by his mom and his Grandmother. Makes me a little crazy. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this (the boy favoritism) and to make sure it doesn't continue?
Re: MIL vent (can't believe it) Probably Long
This is my family. My mother favors her sons and grandsons over my sister and I and my 3 girls.
People have pointed it out to my mother and she just makes excuses. My one nephew she will text every one to remind them that it is his birthday, or he has done something great, but the other grand children nothing.
Until your MIL see's there is a problem/issue with her favoritism then there is nothing you can do. It does suck because my girls get second best always over my nephews. It hurts them a lot. But when my mother can't see it when it is pointed out to her in details and continues to make excuses then there is nothing any one can do.
Of course, you know I sent this to you on Facebook, but just in case anyone else needs these resources, The Bump is *finally* working on my work computer :-)
I'm racking my brain trying to think of a book that will help, but most of the ones that come to mind aren't *quite* right... (Because most of the books I've read that deal with issues sort of like this are about abusive men.)
was raised in a family with super rigid gender roles like that. After meals, his sister and grandma would clear the table and do the dishes, and the boys/men just got to sit there and do whatever...or just get up and do whatever the next thing is that they were going to do.
My crazy abusive ex (also named Lee ;-)
It's not shocking that he ended up being the guy who told me if I wouldn't put his laundry away for him, he would "find someone else to f*** who would clean for him."
Here's a checklist on "male privilege":
https://sap.mit.edu/content/pdf/male_privilege.pdf
This book is obviously about abuse, but it does a good job of discussing how rigid gender roles lead to abuse:
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Hurting-Woman-You-Love/dp/1592853544mce
I was trying to find other sources for you, and this came up:
https://www.oprah.com/relationships/Raising-Boys-to-Show-Emotion
Sorry. I know that it's not exactly what you're looking for, but maybe it will help. I'd like to think that if you have the sources that point out the correlation between favoritism and abuse, she'd stop, but if she's been like this her whole life, it's not likely. She's probably co-dependent, and that's why she's still making sandwiches/salads for grown men who are perfectly capable of it themselves.
Mac and cheese lover!
This is all too familiar. I'm hoping not to get the side-eye here, but I figure I'm an open person so that other people can learn from my mistakes, too. My ex who was raised this way was a former addict (everything, including heroin), but he'd been clean for years before we dated, but he still had all of the behaviors of an addict, and I had no idea what was going on until I was way too far in.
I'm glad you got Kyle to recognize some of these issues. Big hugs.
Mac and cheese lover!