Pregnancy after adoption

meganroselee

So... I knew that this was going to be an issue but I just have not found a tactful way to respond and need some help to formulate a quick but correct response.  Our story is summed up in my signature but briefly: We started the adoption process after a year of trying to conceive and adopted our first child in August . My husband and I tried to conceive for a little more than two years before finally (via FET) conceiving our second child who will be due in July. 

  I am 16 weeks now and just started sharing the news with coworkers and friends who of course respond "Isnt that always how it goes? You relax and then you conceive" or the worse today "This pregnancy must be so special to you bc its such a blessing"  I don't know what to do.  I have flash of anger where I want to say anything from "Yes, relaxation increased the number, morphology and motility of  DH sperm" to "Adoption was not plan B, my DS is just as big a blessing as any of my children" 

I wish I could say I said either of those but I stayed with the PC-- "Pregnancy after adoption is actually very rare (I said 10% bc I think I heard that somewhere). It wasnt as accidental or easy as you may think" and kind of laughed and "I'm really lucky to be twice blessed" The worst part is that most of my friends and coworkers are physicians  and nurses who really should know better.  My closer friends know about IVF and still said the same stupid comments. I feel spineless in thinking about how I've been responding but I think I fear coming off as the bitter adoptive mom/infertile. Any help would be appreciated!

jillianmb

I think you can and should express your true feelings, for your sake and the sake of every one else who has to endure those stupid comments.  You can still say it nicely without sounding bitter.  IE: to the "isn't that how it always happens?" comment you can say something like, "It's funny I hear that a lot but truthfully it is really quite rare to adopt and then conceive."  or to the "This much be such a blessing" you can say, "Yes it is! I feel so blessed by both the journeys to my children." 

The fact that you are worried about coming off as bitter tells me you probably won't.  HTH a bit. And congrats on your pregnancy! 

Art Teacher

I had heard that it was somewhere around 6-8% of couples who conceive after adoption...I guess if I were in your shoes, I would bring that up and say it's very rare that people get pregnant after adoption.  I guess it also depends how much you want to go into depth with the person about your IF treatment.  I would definitely address the people who say you just needed to 'relax.'  I would make sure to tell them that that is inappropriate and is putting the blame of your IF on you - as if you could control it.  And I would definitely say that your son through adoption is just as much a blessing. 

I get upset when people make comments like that...I've never been pregnant, but we have certainly heard A LOT of inappropriate comments from coworkers and friends.  Ugh.

 

lafayettegirl

Well, your response is better than what I probably would have come up with. We haven't yet adopted but we're still getting the, "oh, then you'll get pregnant for sure"comments. My response is generally, "Actually, only 5% of infertile couples who adopt actually get pregnant." Depending on who I am talking to and how I'm feeling, i tend to add something else - "we're focused on adopting right now" or the more feisty "somehow I doubt I'm part of that5%." the second one doesn't really go over well, but generally makes me feel better.

But people, even those who are supposed to understand, have no clue what it means to be infertile or to make the shift from that to adoption. You have to come up with something that works for you. However, we've read some good articles at Stepping Stone from Bethany Christian Services and the RESOLVE website that help come up with responses. 

Good luck! If you come up with something, please let me know.

 

Dr.Loretta

I think your response wasn't bad, actually. And I also think in some ways it depends on the audience.

If you're comfortable sharing your IF and your path to conceiving, you can tell the "relax" people that relaxation wasn't even close to being on the agenda! For those who say your pregnancy is a blessing, I think you nailed it by saying you were twice blessed.

I don't think you're even close to coming off as the bitter mom. You're doing your best to educate the masses, as it were.

I feel ya. I had my ob/gyn (a doctor, for goodness sake) pull the "Oh, now that you've adopted you'll get pregnant" routine on me. I believe I threatened him with physical violence. And a friend of mine needed IUI to conceive her son, during one of the most stressful months of her life. She makes a point of telling everyone that she was so NOT relaxed.

GL!

meganroselee

fredalina:

I'm a sarcastic brat but I'd say, "Yup, relaxationm luck, and a great fertility specialist!" or "You're right! The fertility specialist gave me valium right before transferring the embryos to my uterus!"  But I'm a jerk like that and I don't care if people know things about my life like my diagnosis or if I were to do IVF/FET, etc. I would also address the possibly (wrongly) inferred idea that adoption was second best and somehow this baby being a biological/pregnancy child will be more important or loved. And I'd just say, "I'm so blessed to be able to experience both the miracle of adoption and pregnancy!"

I really like the first response, i dont think think its sarcastic at all. I really appreciate all the responses. I guess my response wasnt horrible but i really want people to understand how ignorant and hurtful their comments were. I never thought where my anger about the relaxation was coming from but you summed it up ArtTeacher... It implicates me, like *i* was a conscious source of our bodies not working not a medical problem. And if you knew what a good (and very handsome) baby my Maks is, the anger over him not being a blessing is self explanatory. ;-) thanks for the advice ladies.

srmmm09

fredalina:

"You're right! The fertility specialist gave me valium right before transferring the embryos to my uterus!"  

oh please oh please OH PLEASE say this to your doctor/nurse acquaintances!

Art Teacher

meganroselee:

I never thought where my anger about the relaxation was coming from but you summed it up ArtTeacher... It implicates me, like *i* was a conscious source of our bodies not working not a medical problem.

Exactly.  That's why it used to frustrate me so much.  And my husband and I BOTH have infertility issues, so no amount of relaxing on my part would fix him even if relaxing were the solution!  I also never liked how it made light of it being a real medical issue.  People who aren't dealing with it don't understand (although the doctors and nurses should you would think!)

 

silliestbunny

I think I'd say less than more... or I would be sarcastic.

But something to help frame this is that IF couples have the same rate of success whether or not they adopt.  Between 6-8% of couples will conceive....whether or not they adopt while they are working on conception. That number doesn't change. 

Argh!  Sorry... the more I think about it the more frustrated I get. 

As a side-  both of my babies are adopted.  DD1 is Korean-American and DD2 is Caucasian and looks a lot (in general ways) like me and my  husband.  People have assumed (even this morning at church) that DD2 is our bio child... so I am sure I will hear comments like this in  years to come. 

meganroselee

silliestbunny:

I think I'd say less than more... or I would be sarcastic.

But something to help frame this is that IF couples have the same rate of success whether or not they adopt.  Between 6-8% of couples will conceive....whether or not they adopt while they are working on conception. That number doesn't change. 

Argh!  Sorry... the more I think about it the more frustrated I get. 

As a side-  both of my babies are adopted.  DD1 is Korean-American and DD2 is Caucasian and looks a lot (in general ways) like me and my  husband.  People have assumed (even this morning at church) that DD2 is our bio child... so I am sure I will hear comments like this in  years to come. 

  That is really annoying, probably second only to the comments that I think I remember you writing about when people ask when you got your American daughter from China. Ignorance...