Advice for A Nanny in a Tough Spot with A Special Needs Family
Hello! Veteran Nanny/babysitter here. I have over 15 years of experience dealing with children from birth and up.I have a full time job and am nannying as a part time position.
I recently began working part time for a family that has 2 girls ages 5/6 and a special needs son who is 14. When I was first hired for the job I was told that the responsibilities would require getting all 3 children dressed, fed and dropped off to various bus stops. It's blended family and 2 of the children have a different school and schedules for days with which parents. I was told that the special needs child was slightly disabled. That was a stretch for sure.
It's week 3 and we're having issues. Turns out that the special needs boy has fragile x syndrome and is constantly trying to hit and bite me. Trying to get all 3 kids into the car is a headache because i'm worried about the 5/6 year olds while I have to walk the boy to the car and buckle him in.
I told the parents on the first day that this was more than i could handle and I am not experienced with special needs children. The parents have hired a special needs assistant for the boy in the mornings for the 1 hour I have him in my care, but now are saying that the special needs child will be fine with me by next week. I do not think this is the case. I mentioned this to the aide- who shares my belief and concern for the other 2 children and that I cannot safely handle all 3 children., When I told the parents- they said it was not the special needs child but my not being able to handle the girls or discipline them. I can assure you that I know how to discipline children. But when we have 5 people in a small car with 2 little ones talking and singing and an agitated special needs child hitting and biting- it gets to be too much.
It's week 3 and I am torn. Truthfully- I want to quit. However- I feel for this family. I want to do what's right for me but also for the children.
Any suggestions?
Thank you:)
Re: Advice for A Nanny in a Tough Spot with A Special Needs Family
I'm sorry you're having difficulties. We have a nanny and I was very up front in the hiring process about my son's needs -- there is no sense in understating it, because it will all come out anyway, KWIM?
Do you have a contract with this family? Does it say anything about having the aide there to help with the boy? If not, now if the time to write a contract and include everything in it about your working relationship.
If you want to try to make it work, you might ask mom/dad how they do it/if they have any tricks. I know that I have worked out ways myself to manage the two kids. What is the behavior plan for home -- how are you supposed to discipline the boys when he acts inappropriately? You might also ask if you can speak with his therapists for strategies on behavior issues.
Thanks for answering! The parents have been trying to show me tricks for the past few weeks- but nothing seems to work- they say it's because he doesn't know me yet. Which is def. a factor. Everyday is a different scenario and it is truthfully so stressful. He was sick all this week and was groggy, on meds and so forth.
The aide was added after I said I needed help. But was never in the contract because they see it as a temporary need. The aide, whio is the boy's one on one from his school says that they have been having issues in school too. So it's across the board.
The 2 families recently moved into 1 house- like a month ago and there are new schedules all over the place!
Ultimately- I am wondering if the stress and effort are really worth it for what was suppossed to be a simple 2 hour a day part time nanny gig. I honstly feel misled- because it appears the boy's disability is more then they let on and more than I think I can handle.
My other concern is for the 2 little girls. It seems that they always take a backseat to the older child and his needs. To the point that the parents yell and scream at them for basic things- that without the special needs child would not be a big deal. Like asking to bring a barbie in the car or listening to the radio.
Again- this is a sticky situation. I've only known them 1 month- so there is nothing too vested either way. However- I know this family paid a fortune to the agency I work with to hire me.
If they hired you through an agency, you should make sure the agency is also aware of the situation. If you were to leave, they may use the same place again and if they're not being completely upfront about the situation, they could wind up in the same place again.
It sounds like some of the chaos of moving and changing of schedules is more what is affecting the boy. Would you be able to stick it out for one more month to see if the behaviors calm down once the schedule is more routine?
You will not necessarily get the advice around here that since you are overwhelmed you should quit. As parents, we would hope that people would give our kids more of a chance, especially in light of the recent chaos in this household.
Then again, if this is a challenge you are not wanting to take on for a "2 hour gig" then you need to give notice so they can find someone who is a better fit. Please at least give them two weeks notice to make other arrangements. Maybe within the next two weeks things will smooth out and you can retract your notice. Good Luck!
I would absolutely give the family as much time as they needed to find a replacement if I did decide to leave. And in response to the comment on giving the kids a chance in light of chaos- that is why I haven't quit. I honestly do want to help this family if I can. I just feel that mom and dad have expectations for this child and how he will behave with me that are not possible. The child's 1 on 1 aide form school even said that this child needs someone just for him.
We have a mtg. tomorrow and I will be telling them kindly but seriously that it's too much for me to manage all 3 alone.
Oddly enough- I called the agency and told them what happened and the associate asked me if they paid me more would I tough it out. I told her that it's not about the money at this point- but about making this a quality experience for the family/me.
I posted to the special needs board because I wanted the opinion of parents who are in this situation. I appreciate your responses.
There seems like so much going on in this situation.
It does take many children with special needs a while to get used to someone new. We typically refer to it as the "honeymoon period". There's a lot of testing that can go on while a child is trying to understand you and your new role in his life. Think about it from his perspective. Sounds like his home life is chaotic. He just moved. (Maybe has a new school?) A ton of inconsistencies when that's what most kids thrive on. And he doesn't know you and what you're about. For all he knows, you could be the b*tchy teacher that's mean to him and he can't stand. He's likely very frustrated. And understandably so. Or this could be his "norm" and even then, it'd be safe to say that he's probably pretty frustrated. Kids don't bite and hit for the fun of it. He's trying to tell you something.
In any case, I think its safe to say that you don't truly know this little boy yet. (And probably the sisters either). What you need to decide is do you want to spend the time to invest in seeing him beyond as a kid with off-putting behaviors. And do you want to invest the time to help this family in the middle of a clearly chaotic time. I can only imagine that if this isn't what you thought you were signing up for that you're a bit thrown. But I'm honestly surprised that you haven't come across a child with special needs until now. This situation has the potential to be an amazing learning experience for you. But you need to be upfront with his parents that you're not familiar with their son's needs and that its going to take you time to feel more comfortable. Like PP said, you also need to set some ground rules for what you can handle and someone needs to give you some ground rules for what to do when the son is hitting or biting you. Flying by the seat of your pants isn't good for anyone. Your posts scream: ANXIETY. And all kids pick up on that. Its likely only heightening the situation. Will you be able to get to a place where you will ever be able to do this for 2 hours without being on edge the whole time or counting down the minutes until you clock out? Can you get to a place where you'll be able to look forward to these kids? If not, I say you have your answer. Your mention of the girls singing while the son makes other noises/bites makes me wonder... What if you joined them and sang too? Show them that you can be fun. Or is the singing what causes his behaviors? If so, does he have headphones he could wear in the car... I'm sure his parents have dealt with all of these same issues. They should be a very valuable resource so that you aren't having to reinvent the wheel.
Are you able to have the girls help you at all? What are they doing while you're helping the son? Or are they left to fend for themselves? Can you come up with solutions where you get them both involved? Ie. He gets his backpack, but they help carry his lunch box? Or you open their door first and let them get in themselves and then go around to open his door and help him get in? (I find it safer to get my typical daughter in the car first, since it takes longer with my daughter who has SN). Is he biting/hitting you while you're driving the car or is his Mom driving and you're in the backseat? If you're driving, can you position his so he can't reach your seat? Will he bite/hit his sisters? Have you watched his parents load everyone up to see their routine? Who usually opens his door? Which side do the girls get in on? If you're unknowingly switching it up, this would be a huge potential for confusion for them, especially the son...
I'm wondering if part of the reason that you're feeling in over your head is because you're only there two hours. What kinds of things are you supposed to do during that time? If its one hour in the morning to get them ready for school and one hour in the afternoon are you feeling like you're in a race the whole time? Without knowing the tasks, I feel exhausted at the thought of just an hour to get my girls ready for school and actually drive and get there on time. If this is part of the problem, that's just going to add more anxiety... maybe you can discuss this with the parents... "I don't feel like I have enough time to do everything for all three. Do you think you could do ______ so I can do _____ when I come. Or should I come earlier and be in charge of ___, ___ , and ___?" Or could you come at another time and just spend time bonding with them when you're not going through the most chaotic times of the day? What about staying an hour later and having the chance to bring them to the park, help with homework, play games together? You don't sound bonded with these kids at all.
A schedule/routine would be helpful. How is the son being communicated with? Short and concise sentences, picture cards, sign language, a voice output device?
Also: Many children with fragile X have autism. There are tons of resources for working with this population, if you're willing to make the investment. Ask his parents/teacher if they have anything that they'd recommend. Here's a website with some quick tips that may help you. Its kind of general and may not all apply to him, but its at least a starting point to give you questions to ask his parents/aide about: https://www.yourguidetoautism.com/how-a-child-with-autism-learns-more-effectively.html
I should have added: I think that its great that you're trying to stick this out and looking for help. I truly miss the children and adults that I used to work with. Hands down some of the best experiences of my life... I hope you can find that place too where you can open yourself up to something new and different. To feel challenged, but rewarded. And that this can become a really special experience for both you and the family.
I really wouldn't want to have a nanny that didn't feel comfortable with my child(ren). I think it's not a good fit and you should move on. The parent's should have been truthful from the start.