VENT - going off the registry (LONG, but read the whole thing) — The Bump
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VENT - going off the registry (LONG, but read the whole thing)

Right off the bat... I KNOW I probably sound like a 32 year old brat, and I know at 33 weeks preggo I am probably more sensitive than ever, but I'm a little annoyed with my mom and my sister right now and need to vent with someone on my side.  (no need to rip me to shreds with insults, but if you have any pointers, insight, or understanding than please reply)  

My husband and I put together our registry by doing a TON of research, reading reviews, going with recommendations, etc to pick out stuff we would like or need.  (It's our first child, and my parents first grandchild.)  If people don't buy us things thats fine!..., we'll get it, but we both are pretty anal-retentive when it comes to researching a product before we buy it so it took about 2 months of doing this because we both work before we even stepped foot in babies r us to register.   

My irritation comes in where my mom and my sister keep buying stuff for us that is not on our registry!!!  It's driving me batty!  My parents are retired, and my sister, who is a train-wreck that lives with my parents, keep purchasing things that, yes, we might need, but none of it is from the registry!  My sister accidentally spilled the beans about how she saw the cutest bathtub and had to buy it for us.  It's so bad, my mother has bought so much clothes that she is now purchasing clothes up to 24 months!!!!

Here is where the problem lies.  I can return these items and get the ones I wanted off the registry if I don't like the stuff they purchase, right?  WRONG, most of these items were bought between now and about 4 months ago from discount/outlet type websites like hautelook, zulily, etsy, etc.  How are people who did go off my registry going to feel when I've got the high chair and bathtub my mom thought was oh-so-adorable, and the one a relative purchased off the registry!

I know you are thinking, well, sell them on ebay then!  My husband is military and we may be leaving to go overseas by June 1st.  My hubby has to go over first, and I will follow once baby is about 4 months old.  I have to pack the house, pack stuff for storage we can't take, sell the house etc.  I will have a ton to do without having to worry about having two of everything and one to sell! 

Its starting to really drive me nuts!!!!!!!  Whew! Ok... I feel better now.  I'm grateful for their enthusiasm, but its starting to bum me out...  

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Re: VENT - going off the registry (LONG, but read the whole thing)

  • People aren't going to know (or care) which high chair you're using. If it bothers you that much, store some of the things your family purchased for you at their house for visits. And you can donate the stuff you don't want to a shelter or other charity organization or take it to a local consignment shop where they'll deal with the hassle of selling it. I get that you're frustrated, but really, if having a family who buys you lots of stuff is the worst problem you've got, you're in pretty darn good shape.
  • image FemShep:
    People aren't going to know (or care) which high chair you're using. If it bothers you that much, store some of the things your family purchased for you at their house for visits. And you can donate the stuff you don't want to a shelter or other charity organization or take it to a local consignment shop where they'll deal with the hassle of selling it. I get that you're frustrated, but really, if having a family who buys you lots of stuff is the worst problem you've got, you're in pretty darn good shape.

    Ditto this and Craigslist.  

    I'm sorry your friends and family love your baby and want to buy it things that they think are cute.  

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Little Man (4 years old---holy cow)
    He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be.  He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.  
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  • image FemShep:
    People aren't going to know (or care) which high chair you're using. If it bothers you that much, store some of the things your family purchased for you at their house for visits. And you can donate the stuff you don't want to a shelter or other charity organization or take it to a local consignment shop where they'll deal with the hassle of selling it. I get that you're frustrated, but really, if having a family who buys you lots of stuff is the worst problem you've got, you're in pretty darn good shape.

     

    Good Call!  Thank you for the semi-a$$ kicking!  Appreciate it!

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  • image BallSox:

    I'm sorry your friends and family love your baby and want to buy it things that they think are cute.  

     

    OH! I no doubt know this!  Like I said... I'm totally just sensitive and having "one of those moments!"  Thanks!!!

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  • definitely sounds frustrating, especially where you guys put all that effort into your registry, sounds like you need to approach your parents/sister about the issue.  I would never say no to close though, when baby needs an entire new wardrobe every 3 months, its extremely helpful.  even those hideous "I would never put my child in that" outfit comes in handy at 3am when baby pee's through the last clean sleeper....
                           
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  • image holly71087:
    I would never say no to close though, when baby needs an entire new wardrobe every 3 months, its extremely helpful.  even those hideous "I would never put my child in that" outfit comes in handy at 3am when baby pee's through the last clean sleeper....

     As a first time mom, I didn't even think of this!  Thank you!

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  • If there's a strong possibility that you will be moving, you may want to actually reduce the amount of baby related crap you are registered for.  For instance, you don't need a highchair for quite awhile after the baby is born. 

     If someone buys you something, and you have a duplicate or very similar item on your registry, it takes no time at all to remove it from your registry.  Not a problem.

     And I understand and appreciate that you and your DH spent a lot of time on the registry selecting items.  However, in reality, it REALLY does not matter that much.  It's not like they're buying you a drop-side crib, a walker, etc. (i.e. things that may be unsafe).  What kind of bathtub your child has really does not matter.  

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  • Probably the best thing for you to do is to just buy your own stuff.  This is creating needless stress in your life and your family. If you can't adjust your expectations, and it sounds like you can't, then the only way you can control what comes into your household is to buy it yourself.
  • Ditto to the idea of leaving duplicates or non-preferred items at your parents' house.  I started doing this with toys, extra carseat from relative, weird stroller.  Try "Oh thanks mom, the bathtub is great, and if we keep it at your house for now, you can help me give baby a bath when I visit!" 

    I would take all of the clothes though, because I was surprised by the things that I liked and did not like (functionally), and by how fast stuff got outgrown.  Also, if you are in a military area, odds are you can trade/donate/loan stuff to other moms in your area.  If you want to avoid family confrontation, just take everything, and sooner or later you will come across someone who can use it. 

  • I'm totally with you on this... I understand what you're going through and how frustrating this can be bc I went through something similar. I did ton of research and i'm very anal and picky about everything i added to my registry. I revised my registry several times as well and I find out all the time that people are going to places and buying me things that are "cute" or bc they like it better than the items I chose. 

    Now I have to go and return things. I am very grateful to get things I want but I just wish people would understand I registered for a reason and took my time out to do so.  

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  • I'm sure it's frustrating and most likely your mom knows you spent a lot of time checking out safety, durability, etc.  I agee with the others...if you can't return it and you absolutely don't want to use it then leave it at your mom's house to use there.  The other option, as mentioned, is to donate it to a homeless shelter in your area, etc.  It is funny you bring up a bathtub that you sister bought.  I registered for one I thought I'd love and actually got it for my shower and also another "different" one.  I used the one I thought I'd love and didn't.  I took them both back!  I bathed in the sink until they were old enough for the regular bathtub.  They didn't like the baby bathtubs (I think they got cold easily because you can't put much water in them or rather it doesn't cover them and keep them warm).  lol
  • I'm probably the minority in this but you CAN'T dictate what people want to buy your baby, it's rude! The registry is there if they want to go off it but they don't have to. Be grateful they bought you anything and get the stuff you want off your registry yourself. It's your responsibility to get it anyway, everything you get from others is just a nice bonus. Also when you post on a PUBLIC chat board you open yourself up to all types of comments. If you don't like the truth then don't post.
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  • Totally understand truthful and honest posts!!!  Thank you! But there is no reason to be rude and insulting when making our points! We are all adults!Smile
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  • image addam&tara:
    Totally understand truthful and honest posts!!!  Thank you! But there is no reason to be rude and insulting when making our points! We are all adults!Smile
    Where in my post did I insult you? I didn't call you any names or belittle you in any way. I only told you that you can't dictate how people will spend their money. If you take that as being insulting then you have very thin skin. And as for being rude, if the truth makes me rude then I guess I'm rude.
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  • image Gismo123:
    image addam&tara:
    Totally understand truthful and honest posts!!!  Thank you! But there is no reason to be rude and insulting when making our points! We are all adults!Smile
    Where in my post did I insult you? I didn't call you any names or belittle you in any way. I only told you that you can't dictate how people will spend their money. If you take that as being insulting then you have very thin skin. And as for being rude, if the truth makes me rude then I guess I'm rude.

     I didn't say you were rude at all!  I was just voicing my opinion about the difference, to me, about honesty and blatant pregger harmone b*tchyness.  Some people can be on these forums, and thats what I was trying to steer clear of.  I'm sorry to have upset you! 

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  • image addam&tara:

    image Gismo123:
    image addam&tara:
    Totally understand truthful and honest posts!!!  Thank you! But there is no reason to be rude and insulting when making our points! We are all adults!Smile
    Where in my post did I insult you? I didn't call you any names or belittle you in any way. I only told you that you can't dictate how people will spend their money. If you take that as being insulting then you have very thin skin. And as for being rude, if the truth makes me rude then I guess I'm rude.

     I didn't say you were rude at all!  I was just voicing my opinion about the difference, to me, about honesty and blatant pregger harmone b*tchyness.  Some people can be on these forums, and thats what I was trying to steer clear of.  I'm sorry to have upset you! 

    I'm not mad at all, sorry for the confusion. I thought that was a shot at me =P but all is well. Since we can't hear emotions on a chat board it's hard to read if a post was directed at you or if it was just a general statement.
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  • image Gismo123:
    image addam&tara:

    image Gismo123:
    image addam&tara:
    Totally understand truthful and honest posts!!!  Thank you! But there is no reason to be rude and insulting when making our points! We are all adults!Smile
    Where in my post did I insult you? I didn't call you any names or belittle you in any way. I only told you that you can't dictate how people will spend their money. If you take that as being insulting then you have very thin skin. And as for being rude, if the truth makes me rude then I guess I'm rude.

     I didn't say you were rude at all!  I was just voicing my opinion about the difference, to me, about honesty and blatant pregger harmone b*tchyness.  Some people can be on these forums, and thats what I was trying to steer clear of.  I'm sorry to have upset you! 

    I'm not mad at all, sorry for the confusion. I thought that was a shot at me =P but all is well. Since we can't hear emotions on a chat board it's hard to read if a post was directed at you or if it was just a general statement.

     

    No worries!  totally understand !  Have fun today!... ITS FRIDAY!

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  • I'm one of those people that think it's no fun to buy people stuff off their registry, because the fun part is picking it out! But I also hate when people go overboard buying a ton of useless junk, so I get why you are annoyed! It's the same at Christmas when people regift you a ton of cheap candles and weird off-brand lotions and stuff.

    But instead of risking looking gift-grabby and demanding your mom and sister buy you stuff off the registry, can't you just tell them to please slow down on buying you stuff because you want to get to buy yourself the stuff you've researcjed? Then if they refuse to get the point, just donate all the stuff they give you to someone who really could use it.

  • Thanks all! for bringing me back to reality and all the wonderful suggestions!  I am truly blessed for having such motivated and excited family.  If I get duplicates of stuff, I'll have to let you know when/where I'm posting the stuff if you guys need anything! 

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  • If you don't have time to sell, then just donate.  There are tons of women in Domestic Violence Shelters all over the country who would LOVE to have nice baby items..

  • image RoxyLynn:
    Probably the best thing for you to do is to just buy your own stuff.  This is creating needless stress in your life and your family. If you can't adjust your expectations, and it sounds like you can't, then the only way you can control what comes into your household is to buy it yourself.

    Good post!

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  • Well I must be a spoiled brat too because I see exactly where you are coming from.  My MIL does this.  She bought things for us that did not even meet safety standards that I could not use with my child.  I am queen of bargain shopping and coupons but it isn't a good deal if it isn't going to get used.  Maybe take that approach with your family.  Let them know that you really appreciate it but you can not use it.  You aren't asking them to buy off of your registry, you are asking them not to buy things that aren't on your registry.  There is a difference.  I would tell them they an either keep the stuff that their house for visits or donate it.  Don't mess with selling it, most likely it will not be worth your time.
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  • image momamatthews:
    Well I must be a spoiled brat too because I see exactly where you are coming from.  My MIL does this.  She bought things for us that did not even meet safety standards that I could not use with my child.  

     I TOTALLY know where you are coming from about safety standards!  Some items my mother has said has come from antique shops.  I feel awful that she may be spending her money only to have me turn around and give it away... 

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  • image addam&tara:

    I didn't say you were rude at all!  I was just voicing my opinion about the difference, to me, about honesty and blatant pregger harmone b*tchyness.  Some people can be on these forums, and thats what I was trying to steer clear of.  I'm sorry to have upset you! 

    Some of the b!tchyness on here is not from "pregger" women. I am not pregnant, and I can be a huge b!tch. Andplusalso, the word is pregnant not pregger. Like you said, we are all adults here! 

    ETA: I agree with PP's. Leave the stuff you don't want/can't take with you at your mom's house and buy the stuff you really want yourself. But since you are moving over seas, I would buy only what you will need for the first 4 months. Like you won't need a highchair, walker/exasaucer, ect.  

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  • I'd say definitely remove anything from your registry that you otherwise get (for example: highchairs) so you won't have to worry about getting duplicates :)
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  • I 100% know where you are coming from.  My SIL has bought us so many things which is incredibly generous BUT I need car seat and a high chair...not a portable DVD player and nine hundred pairs of "cute" shoes that he will never wear.  I do appreciate our family thinking of us and our LO  but the amount of things that they have bought for us is insane and not one of the items is practical. If they had pooled all that money together they could have gotten us something that we actually need...like a car seat.  It's sounds awful to say it this way but I get it.  I will never buy a gift not on a registry again.
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  • image bride2005!!:
    I 100% know where you are coming from.  My SIL has bought us so many things which is incredibly generous BUT I need car seat and a high chair...not a portable DVD player and nine hundred pairs of "cute" shoes that he will never wear.  I do appreciate our family thinking of us and our LO  but the amount of things that they have bought for us is insane and not one of the items is practical. If they had pooled all that money together they could have gotten us something that we actually need...like a car seat.  It's sounds awful to say it this way but I get it.  I will never buy a gift not on a registry again.

    Isn't it great that your family loves your baby enough to want to buy it things?  Isn't it great that you are going to provide your baby what it needs? It doesn't matter a lick if they spent $1000 on cute shoes and pacifier wipes, because it's THEIR money and they can spend it the way THEY want.  


    If you're so worried about money being pooled together to buy necessities, then save your pocket change, cut your unnecessary spending, switch to generic toilet paper and use that money and pool it together to buy your baby what it needs. 

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    He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be.  He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.  
  • I typically don't buy things off the registry.  With a lot of first time mom's, you forget that you're not the first and only person to ever have a baby.  You think you're going to need a lot of the crap you register for, and chances are your best intentions might not line up with reality.  I buy things that I can't live without that I know they'll appreciate. 

    Just keep remembering that you're not the only person to ever have a baby, you're not going to break it, and everything will work out just fine, even if your baby doesn't have the safest/coolest/prettiest/newest thing off the market.  I think all the suggestions to give items back to the person who gave it to you are plain rude.  If someone did that to me, I'd tell them to kiss all of my a$$ and most likely call them an ungreatful jerk.  No one likes going to showers.  People that say they do are lying, or have already had their own so they're secretly thinking about how theirs was better than yours.  Everyone buying you things isn't doing it because they have to, they're doing it because they WANT to shower you and your new little human with love and make the financial burden easier on you.

    Suck it up.  Chances are you might have another one down the road and might use all these horrible non-registry gifts for that one. :-)


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  • Sell it on craigslist or to a consignment shop to rid of it quickly. I totally feel you. I keep getting clothing from people, yet I have bins stacked in my garage with clothes, and didn't put a stitch of clothing on my registry. 
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