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Parenting
shopgirl78
member
negative descriptors/adjectives to describe your kid?
shopgirl78
member
in Parenting
This does not pertain to saying negative things about them to their face. More like, everyone has their faults. This is a spin off because of the "lazy" crap. Is it THAT bad to say your child is lazy sometimes--of course not to their face. Or it just a negative fault brought to light, no big deal?
I missed the discussion earlier, so I am not quite sure I am clued in. Apparently, I am banned (again) at work (their filters work sometimes and sometimes not).
I have been known to described DD as a couch potato--there are times when she can have 3-4 friends over and ALL she wants to do is watch a show on TV. We are very busy through the week and she needs relax time too. But yeah, sometimes she needs more coaxing to go play outside.
DS--well you guys know my struggles with him. Defiant can be a great adjective for him at times (as well as many 4 year olds).
Sometimes, with DS2, I just say"he's 2" implying he is acting 2. negative yes, true very much so yes.
So do you not use negative desciptors like at all--those that semi-flamed the poster calling her DD lazy? Do you kids not have faults? And if they do, what are you kids negative faults?
eta: none of this is said in a mean, hateful way...its generally joking with a friend or discussing my struggles with N
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Re: negative descriptors/adjectives to describe your kid?
I wasn't in that discussion either but I do not use negative descriptors. Or if I did/do, I'd try to correct it. Even if they never, ever hear you say it, it does color how you treat them and how they shape up.
I think it's in Siblings without Rivalry and the other one I can't remember by the same people.
I try very hard to be careful about how I speak of them when they can hear. And I don't discuss one child's issues with his brothers. But I'm imperfect, parenting is hard, and sometimes I need to discuss my kids and their issues with another adult. Sometimes that means describing them in a negative light.
I did not understand all of the pearl clutching over using the word lazy. My son has recently started whining about doing his 5 minutes of homework a night because it's "boring." So yes, he may be disinterested, but that's precisely the point of learning not to be lazy. It's my job to teach him to work hard to do the things that need to be done, even if he finds them to be boring or frustrating. I do want him to enjoy school, and I think we should find ways to make learning more interesting for kids, but sometimes we need to just buckle down and do something even if it's not fun. I don't think 5 or 6 is too early to start teaching that lesson.
Ding ding ding. Our job is to teach them not to be but it doesn't make us bad people to say they are being lazy. Sometimes the puppies and rainbows pearl clutching from the people on here drives me nuts.
Usually I lurk, but can't zip it on this one...
I have this idea that I never label the child - just the actions which in my vocab is a CHOICE. I am a very black/white type person. My daughter is only 5 but she is already learning about her choices in her behaviors thus the consequences that result in the behaviors. Sure she will try the whole "you don't love me as much anymore" or "you don't care about me anymore" if there is discipline needed and she always recieves the same answer: that it "is just not possible" for me to not love her or care about her - that isn't even up for discussion.
So no, I never talk badly about her or label, but I will say something like "you are acting naughty" or "you are choosing not to listen". We always make a point for her to understand it is not HER we are upset with, but more her behavior.
I learned a lot of how to do this by working with children when I taught head start, some of whom had very crappy family environments and heard nothing but horrible things said to them about who they are. So we had to find ways to talk to them about their behavior without labeling them and helping them see most times it is a choice...
So thankful I learned that before I had kids. I can remember my older siblings label me.... I never want my child to feel labeled - negative or postively.
Here's flameful...my husband and I will refer to Gabi as "B," as in you know what. She is horrible some days...screaming, pulling hair, pushing, biting, stealing, etc. Typical twos, I'm sure, but times ten....and far wore than the other three were/are. We never say it to her, of course.
I have no problem telling my kids they are being lazy, mean, are frustrating me, etc. It's a learning process for all of us.
I'm so glad someone else lives in the real world. Life is always blissful in nestland. Too bad no one really lives there
I don't think all behaviors are equal. I like the positive to to behaviors but for those as bad as N's that are completely unacceptable. Nope. Never. I never want to make light of or even encourage his defiant behavior. The behavior (not my child) is unacceptable. (I understand the language also). End of story. Now, yes, the idea of a Dx for him has come up and its not being ignored but even if he has ODD, IED or any other mental health condition. It still doesn't make his particular behavior ok. We will still be working to get rid of it. I do believe its not always a dx, but could be a personality trait or a developmentally appropriate yet negative behavior. And if we didn't tell internet strangers, what would be the point of a message board? I use this sight to gain insight on children the same developmental age as mine and its available 24-7 and has a TEAM feel to it. You get lots of ideas and suggestions. I am very thankful that no one made me feel worse in my struggles with N when I put them out there but gave me some other ideas. N has totally heard how unacceptable his behavior is when he tells a teacher, "No."
I have never mentioned "couch potato" in front of H but if I did, I think she'd laugh and if I were to say she was acting lazy: it would go something like this "Girl, you are being laaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ze." And she'd laugh while getting up to do whatever I needed/wanted her to do. With friends (mine), it might come out, so she can be soo lazy. My friends do the same thing with their kids also.
I can't help but wonder if kids are so sensitive because they are protected from any potentially bad connotation at home.
R9, I have told my kids you are driving me crazy too : )
Some of this stuff, like "bad grades" which I was flamed for in the past, they pickup from their peers quickly. And I still believe its a adequate description for a 67= bad grade. (And BTW that 67 turned out to be nothing, H has gotten nothing but A's- one B on her report cards!) I have learned no to freak on single grades esp unfair worksheet ones : )
DS was lazy even in the womb! he sent me to L&D a couple times b/c he didn't move enough. While he has ADHD and has turned hyperactive as of late, he is still a couch potato who needs downtime and loves to watch TV. He will also chose 99% of the time to have someone else do something for him vs. do something for himself. He is sooooo much like MH that way.
Both of my kids are stubborn mules, but they come by that honestly.
DD is a drama llama to the core. I love them, but you can't escape the facts. They are who they are. I'm sure there are some adjectives that could be used to describe me too. ;-) I certainly don't talk to my kids about these adjectives, but I do try to work on them about these things. I won't be there to do things for DS forever and DD is going to learn the lesson the hard way someday that her dramaliciousness won't get her too far. I'd rather she learn from me than her peers.
Although ds is absolutely the sweetest and most loving 7 y/o boy I've ever known, he's still a maddeningly whiny kid at times and I've told him so to his face. I challenge anyone to put a positive spin on being a whiny a$$. ;-)
FWIW, yes, I use negative descriptors of my kids sometimes. They're human. We're all human. We all have positive personality characteristics and annoying ones. I don't see the point in glossing over that and I don't want to raise kids who are so sensitive that their fragile ego is destroyed by being told that they need to cut out the whiny crap.
And FTR? Let it be noted that I have a particular dislike for parenting books in general. All that psychobabble makes me nauseous. In general, I just think that as a society we tend to overanalyze and overthink everything, and we're just too freaking sensitive.
So none of you have ever been chatting with your H or a friend and had the occasion to say gosh, the kid was a super whine bag today? Or something of the sort? You would never once say something negative about your child when they aren't around? I think this is nuts.
I'm not talking about calling them little azzholes to their face. My kid is almost 20 and I can assure you, while I love him very, very much, he's certainly tested my patience now again and I've, gasp, vented about it using "negative descriptors". There's a big difference between calling a spade a spade and verbal abuse.
I totally have. I can see positives in my kids' attributes, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to talk to a friend or DH about a certain unappealing phase they may be going through at the moment and use descriptive words. then again, this is the Nest, so probably only a few of us will admit to being normal.
The didn't say that the field of psychology is bogus. I work in mental health, FTR. I've allowed my children to participate in research studies through the psych dept at the local university that are studying how children learn, how they acquire language, etc.
There's a difference, IMO, between the academic study of the brain and what I'm calling psychobabble.
I grew up in a family where there was the "pretty sister," the "smart sister", the "dumb sister" and the "youngest" (me). Everyone was labeled, and it was embraced by extended family. If you were labeled negatively, even when you did something right, they explained it in a negative light, or as a fluke. Assumptions were made about every action. My aunt died thinking I was the worse creature in the world, and to this day, I still have not forgiven her for making really terribly assumptions about me for hugging her son (my cousin) when we were teenagers (yes, that sort of assumption).
H grew up in a similar household, although not as dramatic. There was definitely the "dumb" sister, and although she graduated salutatorian and earned a masters in 5 years, that label still makes her believe she is not as smart as her sibs to this day. It makes me sad. She is most definitely sharp, but she will never believe it.
I will tell stories about my kids, funny, sometimes negative stories, but I always always make sure to frame it in terms of an instance or habits, but never as an absolute trait of my kids. That's just judgmental and although I know we can all be judgey, I try to at least hold back when it comes to my own, very young, and still evolving, kids.