I don't even know where to begin....
So this morning started off with a bang when we got a phone call at 5 a.m. to pick up our second order of chicks from the post office (which will ultimately become laying hens for our farm). Upon opening the box 4 of the babies were dead and many of the others were on their way out. I've never had this happen before so I was horrified. I felt like it was a bad sign for the ET.
Anyway, that story could go on for a while but I'll fast forward to ET. We show up early, and have our plan in place... transfer one blast... hopefully we'll have about 6 snowbabies, based on what the doctor said... I go back to the treatment room for a pre-transfer acupuncture session, and DH joins me there once I'm done.
Then the doctor comes in, and says "We have a lot we have to talk about" which is the kind of statement that makes your blood run cold. It turns out my eggs looked a little funny from the beginning (more like a moon than a sun, thanks to vacuoles)... But everything was progressing well on Day 3 with 18 embryos in the "viable" category (normal progression, either good or fair grading.) That's plenty, so they followed the usual protocol and pushed me to a Day 5 transfer.
Between Day 3 and Day 5, apparently, everything went to $hit. We were left with one "fair" pre-blast, and two "poor" compact morulas. Everything else is graded poor and considerably further behind. They will continue to culture them out until tomorrow and nurture them as best they can but there is little hope we will have anything to freeze. We'll get the call on that tomorrow.
My RE, who had told us all along that we'd be transferring one, urged us to transfer all three to have a shot at pregnancy. She used the words "cautiously optimistic" about the outcome if we transferred all three but she also used the words "multiple IVFs" and "egg quality."
But about the three -- MH and I have never had the HOM discussion, the selective reduction discussion, or anything like that. We had jointly agreed to transfer one embryo... and suddenly there we were with a bunch of fallen-behind embies and a doctor telling us to transfer three. (And me, of course, half naked through all this.)
We did what the doctor recommended but there are so many questions now. Why didn't the embryos make it? Why were my eggs crappy? Was it a one time fluke thing? Was it the meds? Was it the sperm? We don't know. And to be honest, I'm terrified of a triplets pregnancy (although I'm not sure which would be worse between that and not being pregnant at all.) Oh! And when the acupuncturist came in for the post-transfer treatment, and told her what happened she said "oh, I had a woman who transferred three embryos and get pregnant with triplets."
DH said it was the worst day of his life. He was really strong, though, until the car ride home when we both pretty much fell apart. I think I've had one day in my life that was worse than this, but I'm still feeling pretty lost right now. All along, I was supposed to be the healthy one! Now suddenly I might be broken too.
We went in with so much hope and excitement (even talking about baby names on the drive down) and left shattered. Pink's "Perfect" came on the radio on the drive home (the IF board theme song!) and I was fighting back tears until MH said to let it out... and we both basically sobbed. We sobbed a couple more times on the ride home.
So... yeah. Any prayers for sticky babies (but not too many sticky babies) would be appreciated. Because these guys might be our only hope. We're trying to stay strong and be positive but it's so hard. We promised them we wouldn't give up on them, and that's what we've done for all of our "farm family" -- nursing chickens back to health when everyone said to give up! So we're not giving up and hoping our little bean(s) stick, even though we're scared.
Severe MFI. Me: supposedly all clear but eggs showed vacuoles.
IVF #1 January 2012, ER Jan 14th: 34R, 27M, 23F. Day 3: 18 embies still strong. Day 5: zero "good," one "fair," the rest "poor." Transferred 3. None made it to blast or to freeze. Jan 28: BFN.
Lucky IVF #2: Transferred two beautiful day three embies on St. Patrick's Day. BFP on HPT 7dp3dt. Beta 1 (14dpER)=106; Beta 2 (16dpER)=140; Beta 3 (19dpER)=264! First u/s 4.17.
Hope is the thing with feathers - that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without the words - and never stops - at all - (Emily Dickinson)