This "no baby situation" really stinks :(

BeckyP005

It really really stinks. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of FB and I'm tired of thinking how  two of my friends are getting ready for a 1st bday and another is due in March. I"m just plain tired of how my brain won't turn off of thinking I can't believe I am not going to be a mom. Sigh...please tell me you all cried for a long time too and it's ok to be bitter  

I will make another therapist appt but I really don't like therapists. I probably should read some of those books about being childless. Ugh...

ahappywife

I'm sorry .  I did a TON of crying, laying in bed, feeling sorry for myself and DH.  I also feel guilt because it is my body that cannot reproduce, not DH's.  Then I made myself get up and resume life.  I do relapse sometimes.  But it happens less and less. We're allowed to grieve.  Grieving doesn't have a set time frame.  I'm sorry, I know this pain really sucks.

hollymichael

((Hugs))

Yes, I cried a lot initially. I still cry on occasion, but not nearly as much as I once did. It is completely fine to cry and be bitter. In fact, I think it is good for you. After all, you are grieving a huge loss. I think it is important to grieve before you try to move on. I am currently reading The Silent Sorority and find it very helpful. She talks about her journey and how she felt when it was clear that they wouldn't ever have children. If you are a reader, it might be a comfort to you right now.

Even though I feel like I have moved on from the grieving stage most of the time, I still think about IF, not being a mom, etc. all the time. I get tired of thinking about it so much. I hope that this eventually gets better too. I would really like to not focus on it so much.

brookelynpaisley

There are and were definitely tears. I get overwhelmed sometimes by a variety of emotions and thoughts. My therapist described it to me like any other grief - the pain is still there and it can still be just as deep, but I feel it less and less frequently. It's definitely true. 5 months ago, I got teary daily. Everything got to me. Granted, back then, there was a lot of uncertainty about what we'd do and I think fear and the unknown were just as hard to deal with as the sadness. I've found a lot of peace in making a decision, but there is still grief. It is getting better though. Like you though, I'd love a day to go by where I don't think about some aspect of it.

I would definitely recommend Sweet Grapes. It gave me a great perspective and validated a lot of things we feel.

mrshoppy_1231

Big ((hugs))

I totally know where you are coming from. It sucks we are here, it's unfair.

As someone who made the decision to move on almost a year and a half ago I can tell you it does get easier. I grieved throughout our struggle to get pregnant. I just knew that treatments weren't going to work for us. I grieved after we made our decision but I also made the decision to embrace our CF life. It's all we could do! It takes a lot of time but I promise you will feel better. You will be able to hear about pregnancies without crying and celebrate babies being born to friends and family.

The pain of IF isn't completely gone for me and it never will be. But it doesn't consume my thoughts or affect my everyday life anymore. Best of luck!!

BeckyP005

Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful comments. It's hard for my friends to comprehend what I'm going through and sometimes I feel like that they think I'm making this harder than it should be...then again they have their children.

Hoping for better times to come and HUGS to all of you too So glad I have a place to go and vent and ladies that understand what I'm dealing with.

greyeyes15

what about adopting or surrogacy?  im not sure of your IF situation, but there are lots of options out there.  i thought i would never be a mom since my tubes were blocked but IVF worked and i have 2 miracles on the way.

sillygirlio

greyeyes15:

what about adopting or surrogacy?  im not sure of your IF situation, but there are lots of options out there.  i thought i would never be a mom since my tubes were blocked but IVF worked and i have 2 miracles on the way.

This is such good advice.  I'm sure she'd never considered those options... way to save the day! 

Please read the page description.

hollymichael

greyeyes15:

what about adopting or surrogacy?  im not sure of your IF situation, but there are lots of options out there.  i thought i would never be a mom since my tubes were blocked but IVF worked and i have 2 miracles on the way.

In case you come back to this post or anyone else that is lurking is thinking of posting something similar, I will do my best to refrain from snark and explain nicely why this is not going to go over well here.

First, it is very rude to come in and tell us about your 2 miracles from IVF. If you lurked even a bit, you would realized that many of us here have gone through many cycles of IVF and it didn't work. Try thinking about how you would feel if IVF hadn't worked for you. Now imagine if you did it over and over again and it still didn't work. Or, imagine that your insurance won't pay for your IVF and you can't afford it on your own. These are some of our stories. So, it is very hard for us to hear about your miracles.

Second, of course we know about surrogacy and adoption. Do you think we are living under a rock? In Becky's case, surrogacy doesn't even make sense. There is nothing wrong with her ute. It is her eggs that are bad.  So, a surrogate is not going to solve the problem. The best fix for Becky would be donor eggs, but a donor egg cycle will cost 25K plus with no guarantee of success.

Third, it is so frustrating when people act like adoption is the answer. You don't just walk over to the adoption store and pick up a baby. It is a huge process in itself. For a variety of reasons (medical, financial, emotional), those of here do not feel that adoption is the right path.

BeckyP005

@Holly... you summed it up well

greyeyes15

Just FYI it wasnt meant to be rude or inconsiderate of anyones feelings....ive been there for a LONG time and no IVF didnt work for the first time or the first few and it wasnt easy since we paid out of pocket.  we're talking 8 years of saving and cycles.  so i understand when people are at their wits end and i myself considered adoption and every other avenue.  so get off your high horse, because I probably understand the agony of it more than most of you.  Just because i am pregnant now does not mean i lived for years CFNBY.

 ----end of this post

...and im sure my stalker will show up any minute to again comment. hi, stalker....no life today either, eh?

attackthis

greyeyes15:

Just FYI it wasnt meant to be rude or inconsiderate of anyones feelings....ive been there for a LONG time and no IVF didnt work for the first time or the first few and it wasnt easy since we paid out of pocket.  we're talking 8 years of saving and cycles.  so i understand when people are at their wits end and i myself considered adoption and every other avenue.  so get off your high horse, because I probably understand the agony of it more than most of you.  Just because i am pregnant now does not mean i lived for years CFNBY.

 ----end of this post

...and im sure my stalker will show up any minute to again comment. hi, stalker....no life today either, eh?

you 

amy.robertson1982

i dont know about you, but i cant go to baby showers anymore.  i cant go to childrens birthdays.  i try to stay away from the baby department in walmart.  and it seems like in the 16 months i have been trying to get pregnant, everyday there is a facebook status update announcing another pregnancy.  my husband and i have had all the tests done and if i am not pregnant this month they will catagorize us as "unexplained infertility".  all i want to do is sit at home because thats the only place i know for sure i wont see a baby and break down.  i will be praying for you that you find some comfort!  i know its so hard!

namwah

You hit the head on the nail of how I exactly feel! None of my friends or family understand how much it sucks. They just think i have my whole life ahead of me and i shouldn't think about it, that I should try and devote my time and mind to other things such as my horse. So i gave it a good hard try and I'm getting more and more depressed about it. I am 23 yrs old and I already have infertility issues after ttc for over a 1 1/2......this isn't suppossed to happen! I hate it when people talk about getting pregnant or their joys of all of it and then ask me....oh when are you and your husband planning on starting to try?? uhh little do they know we have and we haven't even gotten very far in the treatment process and i already am getting bills from the hospital for what my insurance isn't covering so it's extremely upsetting to say we have to stop. We can't afford it if the insurance won't cover it, I don't just have ten grand lying around to try in vitro to find out it might not even work! Doctor's have yet to figure out why I am having issues.....it just really blows like nothing else! And it's not like adopting is even an option financially! People who haven't gone through this sort of thing say "oh well there's so many options" right.....have you researched and seen the costs?? my husband is filipino (mabuhi) and we would really like a filipino child obviously, however, to adopt outside of the U.S., you have to be 27 yrs of age or older. That's a few years away from us..... I guess, though, it is nice to see that other people here are going through very similar situations that I am going through.

DenaRenee78

I am so sorry for all your going through.  =(   I was told by doc's I could not have kids because of previous cancer treatments. I actually had two second trimester losses.(24 and 20 weeks)  It was awful .. I had to go through labor and delivery twice to deliver babies that would never come home. My heart was so broken. It still hurts to this day. I had more treatments after and was convinced by the doc's I could never have kids. Well ... imagine my shock when I did end up pregnant... and with twins at that.  Then I was told my body would not be able to carry them. Well ... I wasn't going to terminate no matter what. So they gave me a cervical cerclage at 13 weeks and I have been on a lot of bed rest. The babies are perfect so far ... but that doesn't mean my body will cooperate. So like you I am going through all the emotions. I don't know if they will survive or not and its eating me up inside but I feel like I had to at least try .. you know what I mean? I can't even hold other people's babies .. or be around new babies. it just hurts SO bad. I want my own baby!!! I do a lot of crying and have a lot of anxiety. I just want my babies to live so bad it hurts. I have all these friends and family members who are pregnant or have super young babies and never had to worry or 'try' to have a child and it makes me so sad I can't have that for myself too. 

I just hope and pray for a miracle!! I want those doctors to be wrong .. and I want to have babies to bring home!!!

Your not alone in this .. I wish you the best.  

MD85

I cant log in to facebook, go to family get togethers, now even shopping I focus on baby bumps. I see babies in a stroller, in the cart. I want to cry. I am to the point I'm happier at home in my room online. My family ask me why I don't have kids or say I am lucky we haven't had them. I find it hard not to burst into tears in front of them. I know adoption is expensive and a long process. IVF is a journey and don't always work. Most have the one shot at IVF. Some infertility isn't solved by IVF. I know its no help but I feel that maybe I am meant to do something that there's a reason I haven't had a baby. I keep telling myself that but not sure what it is. 

Kari1405

Adoption wasn't for us either.  Way to stressful of a process.  We became host parents for a few  high school foreign exchange students and it actually did help me stop the tears at least as a distraction.  And we did get to parent and teach a few teens about america.  But it didn't curb the want for a baby.  There is just something about a baby that still brings tears to my eyes.  I will pray for you and offer support in anyway.  Best of luck and I hope that you find comfort soon.

 Look into a company called Education Travel & Culture if you want to learn about the other option.

helen murf

My daughter in law has tried over and over. Each time it is harder. My son wants a baby soooooooo bad. They have spent LOTS of money and seen tons of doctors. She found a new doctor and she is due for surgery August 11. I pray this will help.

I am the grand mother and all I can do is, support and be there when she needs to talk. She should join a group. Because there are women that can identify.

My email is helenmurf1948@gmail.com

freeman2121

I cry all the time too. I have friends whose kids are in high school. If we are ever blessed with children, we will look like the grandparents. I don't know if there are any support groups by you. I just found out there is one by us, it's about an hour away. I might try going to it. It is only once a month though. I would sure like to find another gal to consult with in person!!

Best wishes to you