sex question (TMI?)

lrichmond86

Sooo... Our Dr. has given us the go-ahead to start having sex again.  We have once since we found out, but I'm not sure how physically and emotionally ready I am for this.  Here are my questions:

One, the time we did have sex, it was painful.  Not so terrible that we had to stop, but more like I remember it being like the first couple of times I had sex.  Is this normal?  They did have to cut during delivery and stitch after (all healed up now though).  Is this contributing to the pain?

Two, I had a really hard time enjoying what we were doing because I could only think of that aspect of me as I was in the hospital during delivery.  I felt kind of like I was being disrespectful of my little guy.  I know this sounds weird, even to me.  I ended up crying and I know that my husband felt terrible that it was so difficult for me.  We haven't tried again since then and it was about a week ago.  Did anyone else feel this way?  Does it get easier?  What should I expect next time?  I get so frustrated with the silly things that affect me so deeply since our loss.  My husband and I have such a wonderful relationship, I would hate for this aspect of it to be negatively impacted. 

Sorry for over-sharing, ladies, but I just need to know if these feelings are normal.  Thanks!!

Petunia844

I don't think it's TMI at all. I can also completely relate, I too had a small tear that had to be stitched and I don't know if this contributed or not, but we had sex for the first time about 5 weeks after he was born.  I had both the physical and emotional pain you did.  I just felt like the last thing that was in 'there' was Peyton... like I felt bad taking that bond away from us.  I will say it gets much easier.  Now that we are trying for our rainbow I enjoy sex again, and it makes me hopeful for our future.  Of course there is still an emotional tie to Peyton there, but it does get easier.  ((hugs))

johnnys june

*huge hugs*

1st, I would say use lube -- probably something without the sugar and stuff.  I loved pre-seed...not just for TTC (even though that's why alot women use it).  I found that after having Logan, I was dry as a bone, or would get dry very quickly during sex.  We NEVER had to use lube before.  I was a swamp down there (TMI!).  But now, we use it almost every time...or else it starts to hurt and I end up sore.

2nd, I think you need to try working up to.  Obviously I don't know how your sex life is or was, but sometimes getting back to your roots helps -- make out for longer (like when you first started dating), start with a massage, light candles, sexy lingerie.  I found that when the mood was set up right it was easier for me to focus.

I can't say I was the same.  We had sex only 4 days after my c-section (don't worry, I barely did anything and it was very gentle).  But we did it because I needed the "comfort" part of it.  Sex is good...but I truly believe in the intimacy comfort thing.  I did go through a phase where it was hard to focus and my grief was so inter mingled that I always ended up crying.  I talked to DH after the first time and told him it wasn't because it wasn't good or I wasn't into it, and that if it does happen, it's just because sex makes me feel vulnerable.  He understood and if I start crying (to this day it still happens), he's understanding and slows down or is really sweet and will take time to wipe my tears before we continue.  In alot of ways, it's helped us connect more during sex and also allowed us to explore a different side of sex/intimacy rather than just meeting each others needs, KWIM?

Good luck, sweetie.  It does get better.  Don't give up.  And like everything else in this awful journey, it take times. 

JessicaRobb

I am glad you brought this up. We just got the go ahead last week... I have been really nervous. Today DH and I had the sex talk. I told him that I was uncomfortable with this right now so I kind do jus wanted to do it to get it done... Romantic, huh? I am hoping that after the first time it will get easier.

 

Get this... He turned me down! Now I am really upset. I feel self conscious enough and then he turned me down?!? He said he wants to wait until tomorrow... I am really going to have a hard time getting back into things now. After all, it's been months! Grr

lrichmond86

JessicaRobb:

I am glad you brought this up. We just got the go ahead last week... I have been really nervous. Today DH and I had the sex talk. I told him that I was uncomfortable with this right now so I kind do jus wanted to do it to get it done... Romantic, huh? I am hoping that after the first time it will get easier.

 

Get this... He turned me down! Now I am really upset. I feel self conscious enough and then he turned me down?!? He said he wants to wait until tomorrow... I am really going to have a hard time getting back into things now. After all, it's been months! Grr

 

Before we had sex, I told my husband the same thing, that I just kind of wanted to get it over with.  Now I'm torn between wishing I had waited until I felt more "ready" and thinking it wouldn't have mattered even if we did wait.    

Thank you ladies for all of your comments and suggestions!  It makes me feel better to know it's not just me.  

samakasrc

We haven't gone on this excursion this time around, but when we had sex for the first time after our DD was born it was very physically painful the first time - I had no tearing or stitches. I didn't have any tearing while delivering Gabriel, but I'm more nervous about the emotional part of it this time...

weddedwife

After DD was born DH & I didn't have sex for 11 weeks. I had an episiotomy during her birth and it hurt having sex the first few times. After that it just felt "different" and I could definitely feel pressure on the scar tissue. It took months to feel normal again. I agree w/ pp: LUBE. We never needed it before either but we did then. Part  of it was the BFing hormones; I just didn't even have much interest.

This time around, we had sex 6 wks pp. I had no tears or anything so it wasn't as painful but it was slightly uncomfortable. I was surprised by my emotional reaction though; I cried afterwards too. It was like a breaking of that last physical connection I had w/ Nathaniel. But the next time I didn't cry. It got easier and easier and now I enjoy it again. Obviously theres no BFing hormones in play this time so my interest resumed quicker which definitely made it easier and less painful physically.