Parenting after a Loss

Vent/Whine: Why do I go to this new mom's group?

I feel like a freak show every week. LO is irritible and cranky as a baseline. We're dealing with reflux and colic (or whatever the 3-month version of screaming inconsolably every evening is). Our public nursing forays are singularly horrible. My way of background, DS does not tolerate tummy time for more than a couple minutes a day (shrieks, grinds face into mat or me if on my chest and throws up, taking a good 30-40 minutes to calm thereafter. His head is oblong and a bit flat on top from being frank breach. Suffice it to say he does not look or act like the other babies his age at the group. I was doing okay with that and telling myself that the group was worthwhile because it got me out of the house and made me practice my public baby wrangling skills. This week they had a couple PTs come on to talk tp the moms about development, which I was excited about. Well, in the course of talking they amnounced in the midst of the group that my son has "red flags all over the place" and that he should be evaluated for delay asap. I had already raised questions with my pedi (In addition to tummy time intolerance, DS does not reach for things, which I recognized but she was not concerned). Suffice to say that we are now the total freak show package on the group and the subject of myriad "oh you poor thing" looks from the other participants. I wanted to disappear. At least I didn't cry. I waited till I got in the car on the way home for that. :(

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BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
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Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013

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Re: Vent/Whine: Why do I go to this new mom's group?

  • :( Huge hugs.  If your doctor is addressing the issues, don't let them make you feel badly. What assclowns those PTs were for doing that to you in a group!!

    Can you stop going to the group if you're not getting a benefit?  When do you go back to work?  We'll go some where for lunch where we can have a Bloody Mary :) I'll be your new mom friend!

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  • ((hugs))

    Kudos to you for making the effort to take DS out. I'm sorry it didn't turn out well. If your pedi isn't concerned, try not to let the PT's comments get you down.

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  • Those pt's are so unprofessional.  That is absolutely ridiculous. Singling out babies in the group is unconscionable. They hardly know the whole story.  (((hugs)))
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  • Hugs! I'm honestly surprised they gave you the "red flags" speech. In order to see what "red flags" DD had, I had to complete a six page questionarie and meet with no less than 4 evaluators before they were able to confirm if she had red flags or not.


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  • imageKCKSarah:
    Those pt's are so unprofessional.  That is absolutely ridiculous. Singling out babies in the group is unconscionable. They hardly know the whole story.  (((hugs)))

    THIS!  So many hugs, mama.  Don't worry about what ANYONE says, every baby is different and special.

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  • imageRachaelA:

    WTF! I would have gone off on them.

    And Emmy doesn't reach for anything yet either. sometimes  she'll grab one of the hanging toys, but I think its more of an accident.

    A PT who knows nothing about your child other than watching them once shouldn't be making comments like that.

    This!  If your pedi isn't concerned, I'd try and ignore their comments.  ((hugs))

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  • Aww I'm so sorry hon, that's awful. How inappropriate and unprofessional of them to single you out like that! If it makes you feel any better, at the group we went to yesterday the babies ranged in age from 9 week old twin boys to a 15 week old girl and about halfway through the class ALL the babies were crying, some inconsolably, and most fussed throughout the class. And I also barely do tummy time, DD hates it and I'm not about to do anything that pisses her off. You're doing fine, with a colicky baby you just have to survive. I wish as new moms none of us had to feel so judged and defensive of the things we choose or have to do. We are all doing our best out of love for our kids and we need to give each other a break. I'd try to find a more supportive group if I were you!
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  • imageitsmegin:
    Aww I'm so sorry hon, that's awful. How inappropriate and unprofessional of them to single you out like that! If it makes you feel any better, at the group we went to yesterday the babies ranged in age from 9 week old twin boys to a 15 week old girl and about halfway through the class ALL the babies were crying, some inconsolably, and most fussed throughout the class. And I also barely do tummy time, DD hates it and I'm not about to do anything that pisses her off. You're doing fine, with a colicky baby you just have to survive. I wish as new moms none of us had to feel so judged and defensive of the things we choose or have to do. We are all doing our best out of love for our kids and we need to give each other a break. I'd try to find a more supportive group if I were you!

    I need to join your group, Gin!

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    BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
    BFP #2 2/2011
    Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
    Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013

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  • Big Hugs.  I don't really have any advice other than 'em.  If you don't want to go or feel judged, I'd just stay home.  A was okay when we went out, but I still dreaded it and stayed in a lot- no shame in that, plus you get to wear stretchy pants all day.  score.

     

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  • I am so sorry!  That was a horrible thing for the PT to do. If she had concerns she should have spoken to you privately. {hugs}
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  • First, those PT's are ridiculous and irresponsible for making such an inflammatory statement without a proper evaluation of your child.  Rely on your pediatrician for judgment as to whether things are good or in need of some examination.

    Second, all of those babies will development in different ways at different times.  And each baby will have his/her own challenges and strengths whether they have to do with language, mobility, intellect, etc so try not to compare your baby to others although it might be tempting.

    I'm in a mom and baby group as well and can appreciate where you are coming from.  I struggled at first with the public nursing, and DD has horrible reflux that made her scream whenever she ate, so bringing her to class was an ordeal to say the least.  Plus for awhile she wouldn't nurse on anything but her nursing pillow, so I had to tote that thing around to each class...Anyway, my point is that it gets EASIER!  Getting out and working through some of these things with other new moms is a great idea.  But at the same time, if you aren't comfortable with the group itself, then maybe find another group and try again. 

    Good luck!!!!

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  • Thanks, everyone. I was appalled at the PTs as well (they also instructed one if the other moms to return her unopened exersaucer and jumperoo with dire warnings of toe walking etc). Really? And then publicly pick on the egghead in the corner? Very annoying, and even if they're off base somewhat, still hard to hear.

    image 

    BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
    BFP #2 2/2011
    Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
    Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013

    Motherhood is not for wimps

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