April 2012 Moms
Options

Need everybody's help/recommendations!

My mil had her babies 30 some years ago.  She is really wanting to be the caregiver for our baby when I work 3 days a week.  Though she drives me crazy and has some boundry issues, we laid down the law with her last week and she said she would be compliant.  We have more things to tell her, but are taking it slow because hearing your faults and that her son's beliefs and values are quite different then hers is hard on her and she cried last week and we decided to take things slow so it didn't seem like we were attacking her because that is definitely not what we want to do!  Something DH told her is that there are a lot of changes in the appropriate ways to take care of a baby since 30 some years ago.  Then I talked to her today a little about some things like not putting a bunch of pillows, blankets and stuffed animals in the cribb with baby and she was baffled that this was a problem.  She acted like it was no big deal and I had to tell her that these recommendations are made for a reason, and because babies suffocate from too many things in the crib.  She just seemed baffled.

 DH and I had talked over the weekend about getting her some books because she really likes to read.  I was wondering if any of you had recommendations on book geared toward caregivers/grandparents, ones that would be really good for someone who is OLD FASHIONED!  Someone who has trouble with changing things doesn't understand why we can't do everything like we did in the 70s.  I just want the books to have good information about what is good to feed a baby and not feed them, good safety tips, etc.  I am really hard on MIL because she is polar opposite of my Mom who passed away almost 2 years ago and because she is so stuck in her ways and is kind of rude about anything that she doesn't agree with totally.  She really rolls her eyes and scoffed today when I told her we wouldn't be doing things the way they were done in the early to mid 70s, as if I was being ridiculous (because obviously her boys are ok, so what was the problem right?).  I am also a person who is very much going to do things they way I want them and will raise our babies the way DH & I believe it shoudl be done, and that will be hard for her.  Any suggestions on good books or tools to help MIL understand?

IAmPregnant Ticker

Re: Need everybody's help/recommendations!

  • Options
    Your Baby's First Year Week by Week
    DD#1 11.7.07 - DD#2 11.2.10 (3rd Tri Loss)- DD#3 4.18.12
  • Options
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Loading the player...
  • Options

    My MIL watches DD#1 and FIL will be retiring to help her out when DD#2 comes along.  I had so many reservations before I went back to work.  But it really ended up being AMAZING.  I can't even imagine MY OWN MOTHER doing a better job than MIL/FIL are doing. 

    Besides the bed thing, what are some other beliefs that your MIL has rolled her eyes at?  AND, what are some of your other concerns?  Let me know and I can tell you if that had ever come up in our situation and how we handled it.

    For instance, I was really scared that MIL would feed DD things I didn't want her to be fed.  I was scared she'd put cereal in her bottle, etc.  That never happened.  I asked MIL to just talk to me about things she thinks I might oppose and we can talk through them.  DD is 15 months old and we STILL have those chats (usually on email while I'm at work - I work full time).  Believe it or not, she has changed my mind about some things that I thought mattered, but really don't. 

    MIL and I have a WAY better relationship now than we did before she was our DCP.

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers image
  • Options
    This isn't a book recommendation, but some hospitals have "grandparent" classes geared toward updating old-fashioned rules on raising children--mostly about safety and diet.  That way, she might get more reinforcement coming from medical professionals and taking the class with others in her generation.
  • Options

    imagesunnyfalls:
    This isn't a book recommendation, but some hospitals have "grandparent" classes geared toward updating old-fashioned rules on raising children--mostly about safety and diet.  That way, she might get more reinforcement coming from medical professionals and taking the class with others in her generation.

    I think doing this and offering to go with her is way less insulting than handing her a book. 

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers image
  • Options
    imagelindsdodge:

    My mil had her babies 30 some years ago.  She is really wanting to be the caregiver for our baby when I work 3 days a week.  Though she drives me crazy and has some boundry issues, we laid down the law with her last week and she said she would be compliant.  We have more things to tell her, but are taking it slow because hearing your faults and that her son's beliefs and values are quite different then hers is hard on her and she cried last week and we decided to take things slow so it didn't seem like we were attacking her because that is definitely not what we want to do!  Something DH told her is that there are a lot of changes in the appropriate ways to take care of a baby since 30 some years ago.  Then I talked to her today a little about some things like not putting a bunch of pillows, blankets and stuffed animals in the cribb with baby and she was baffled that this was a problem.  She acted like it was no big deal and I had to tell her that these recommendations are made for a reason, and because babies suffocate from too many things in the crib.  She just seemed baffled.

     DH and I had talked over the weekend about getting her some books because she really likes to read.  I was wondering if any of you had recommendations on book geared toward caregivers/grandparents, ones that would be really good for someone who is OLD FASHIONED!  Someone who has trouble with changing things doesn't understand why we can't do everything like we did in the 70s.  I just want the books to have good information about what is good to feed a baby and not feed them, good safety tips, etc.  I am really hard on MIL because she is polar opposite of my Mom who passed away almost 2 years ago and because she is so stuck in her ways and is kind of rude about anything that she doesn't agree with totally.  She really rolls her eyes and scoffed today when I told her we wouldn't be doing things the way they were done in the early to mid 70s, as if I was being ridiculous (because obviously her boys are ok, so what was the problem right?).  I am also a person who is very much going to do things they way I want them and will raise our babies the way DH & I believe it shoudl be done, and that will be hard for her.  Any suggestions on good books or tools to help MIL understand?

    No matter how many books you give her to read if this is her attitude I would NOT trust her with my baby...find someone else! That's me.

    Natalia
    image
    Konstantino
    image
    Maximo
    image
    image Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST https://pinterest.com/raffaella1030/
  • Options
    imagedixee.deluxe:

    My MIL watches DD#1 and FIL will be retiring to help her out when DD#2 comes along.  I had so many reservations before I went back to work.  But it really ended up being AMAZING.  I can't even imagine MY OWN MOTHER doing a better job than MIL/FIL are doing. 

    Besides the bed thing, what are some other beliefs that your MIL has rolled her eyes at?  AND, what are some of your other concerns?  Let me know and I can tell you if that had ever come up in our situation and how we handled it.

    For instance, I was really scared that MIL would feed DD things I didn't want her to be fed.  I was scared she'd put cereal in her bottle, etc.  That never happened.  I asked MIL to just talk to me about things she thinks I might oppose and we can talk through them.  DD is 15 months old and we STILL have those chats (usually on email while I'm at work - I work full time).  Believe it or not, she has changed my mind about some things that I thought mattered, but really don't. 

    MIL and I have a WAY better relationship now than we did before she was our DCP.

     

    This is really good to hear.  One thing that we requested she do is go get a complete physical and have all the preventative tests that a woman her age should have before baby comes.  She has never done all of this before because she never thought she could afford it.  Now she has really good insurance so $$ is not a problem.  We lost my Mom really suddenly to something we didn't see coming, so this is really important to us to make sure she is healthy as far as we can tell.

    Another thing is that she is really into holistic health, which is great!  But I want her to understand that she can't give anything to baby that isn't appropriate.  I will try telling her to talk to me about anything before she does it.  But knowing her, I really fear that this won't work.  She has a little bit of trouble not believing that she has all of the answers.

     Another thing that worries me is that she is chronically negative.  She says horrible things about people she doesn't know.  I know this won't be a problem for a while but I worry about when kids get the to age where they repeat what they hear...how red faced will I be when we go to Uncles house and baby tells Aunt that her brother is a "moocher and only goes there every holiday to mooch off of them."(and that is a direct quote) when brother is the nicest person and who else would he spend the holidays with as a single man who's mother and sisters will be at Uncle's house....

     I worry about her cats.  We bought the a new fancy vacuum for Christmas because of this.  She is getting to the point where the cat hair was getting out of hand.  That is one thing we talked to her about last week & she voiced understanding about this and promised to try to make it better.

     

    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • Options

    imagesunnyfalls:
    This isn't a book recommendation, but some hospitals have "grandparent" classes geared toward updating old-fashioned rules on raising children--mostly about safety and diet.  That way, she might get more reinforcement coming from medical professionals and taking the class with others in her generation.

    I wish our hospital did this, but they don't.  That sounds like a really good idea.

    IAmPregnant Ticker
  • Options

    One thing that we requested she do is go get a complete physical and have all the preventative tests that a woman her age should have before baby comes.  She has never done all of this before because she never thought she could afford it.  Now she has really good insurance so $$ is not a problem.  We lost my Mom really suddenly to something we didn't see coming, so this is really important to us to make sure she is healthy as far as we can tell.

    I don't think this is unreasonable at all!  My in-laws are always at the doctor for preventative things and I know they get all their vaccines (flu, etc) as they are supposed to.  I did ask her and my FIL to get the TDAP and they did.  I told them that we would pay for it if their insurance didn't.  This sounds like it might be a biggie in your situation.  If she can't afford it, do what you can to make it affordable for her. 

    Another thing is that she is really into holistic health, which is great!  But I want her to understand that she can't give anything to baby that isn't appropriate.

    I handled this initially by sending ALL DD's food with her to daycare.  I told MIL to just bear with me and feed her what I brought.  I told her that maybe one day I'd be less controlling of it, but for that time, I really wanted to be in control of her food.  I told her that I had food issues and I was still learning how to have a healthy relationship with food.  So me being in control of DD's diet while she was small would help me help her shape a healthy relationship with food.  Dang if I wsn't right and now I don't care what she eats and she's a WAY healther eater than I am.  The kiddo even eats liver and onions at Granny's! 

    Another thing that worries me is that she is chronically negative.

     No real advice here but my MIL was the same way!  The good thing was that once she started being the primary caretaker for DD, her focus changed.  she had other things to focus on rather than being negative about everything.  she's actually a pretty happy person now! 

    I worry about her cats.  We bought the a new fancy vacuum for Christmas because of this.  She is getting to the point where the cat hair was getting out of hand.  That is one thing we talked to her about last week & she voiced understanding about this and promised to try to make it better.

    Sounds like you have this one under control!

     

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers image
  • Options

    My sister ran into this with her MIL.  After about 3 mths, she ended up creating basically a list of rules that MIL needed to follow, and brought all of his food over with strict rules not to feed him anything else.

    A few things MIL did that led this to happening:
    1) fed nephew ice cream at about 2-3 mths old (and who knows how many times she had done it before sis found out)
    2) would leave BM bottles out on the counter, and re-use them throughout the day
    3) fill the crib with stuff
    4) refused to put the baby down - which basically caused him to miss naps and keep him overstimulated.  My sis would go to pick him up and ended up with a super cranky baby for the rest of the night.  Along with the rules, she would send a nap schedule and had MIL report back on his feeding/nap behaviors (sis was following one of the baby training programs)

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    Thanks ladies.  Got some really good ideas here!  I appreciate your help.  If anybody else has any good ideas let me know!.  I really hope this works out because it would be so extremely cost effective, and convinient, not to mention a family member who was taking care of baby.  I don't want to be too hard on her but I'm definitely taking care of my baby before MIL's feelings!
    IAmPregnant Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"