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LGBT Parenting
Kershnic
member
Age at which you "should" have children
Kershnic
member
I'm curious about what messages you've gotten, now or in the past, about when you "should" have children. I just turned 29 last week, and the idea I've had for years that I should have my first child before 30 is weighing heavily on my mind. My mom made a comment last week that she always thought she was supposed to be done having kids by 30 (she had my sister at 26 and me at 33).
In looking at my friends and DW's friends there seems to be a regional divide...our Midwestern friends have had children in their 20's, whereas our East Coast friends are mostly childless in 20's or having children in 30's.
It also seems, mostly from the internet and books, but some from people in the offline world, that lesbians tend to have children a little bit later. Do you think that being LGBT has changed at all your ideas about when you should have children?
Thoughts or observations on any of this? Discuss!
TTC with PCOS since July 2011.
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Age at which you "should" have children
We're 26 and 31 and that seems like the perfect age. We've both finished college (now working on graduate degree), have stable jobs, & have traveled many places. However, we've been trying for years, so it just as easily could have happened a different way. I do think that a lot of the GLBT community tends to have children later, probably related to cost of conceiving, but I think the general population is having children later in life.
Both of our parents are in their upper 50's, and my mom already has 8 grandchildren. I will be the last of my siblings to have kids, so it's about time! Taylor has just one sister, with no children who was recently divorced, so who knows if she'll ever have kids.
For reference, I'm turning 33 in about a month. Jen turned 34 in November.
I grew up in Kansas, and most of my high school friends and acquaintances married and had kids early - right after college.
I was one of just a handful of people in my graduating class who left the state for college. I moved to Boston, and later moved to DC for law school. Most of my college and law school friends are married now, but they married 3-8 years after college, and the ones who have kids just had them in the past year or two.
Personally, I didn't get any pressure from my parents or anyone else to have kids sooner. I don't know that my high school friends were necessarily responding to parental or societal pressure - maybe they were, but I got more the sense that there was no particular reason to wait: they weren't traveling, moving around, pursuing advanced degrees, etc. Whereas most of my college and law school friends broke up with people when they moved, couldn't have kids for career reasons, or just didn't meet the right person for a while after they finally settled down in one place.
Jen was getting her master's degree and working full time before we got married. Then we got married 2 months before I started law school, and I spent the next three years in school full time and working part time. We originally planned to start TTC as soon as I graduated and we had a baby fund established - so probably spring of 2008. But then we realized how fun it was to just be US, married us, with no school to worry about, and we put it off, had fun, did lots of triathlons, traveled, and quickly blew through another three years. Oops
I know my mom has been kind of dying for grandkids for the last few years - she has adopted-grandma status with a bunch of family friends. But she is very, very good about not saying anything about it, and has told me more than once that she thinks it's great that Jen and I took the time to be married and have fun before having kids. So while I occasionally wonder why we waited so long, I don't think we'll have any regrets.
I think the 'optimal age' these days tends to be late 20's - early 30's. We will probably be in our early 30's when we start trying.
I had always intended to have kids a bit later in life because that is the way my parents did it and it worked for them (first child at 31 second at 34).
I don't think being in a same sex relationship has affected the age at which I want to have children except for wanting to be legally married (same as a straight couple) before we start a family (currently we have civil unions and talk of gay marriage) which I don't have much control over!
My wife and I are both 33; we will be at least 34 when I actually have a child. From a biological/fertility angle, I wish we were doing this earlier (especially since we want to do this twice). But this is when we got to this point, so this is when we're doing it. We didn't meet until we were almost 27, and we were 29 when we married. At that point I had just started a master's degree and new career, and at the same time we had decided to move to CA (from Boston) sort of suddenly (the move was unrelated to the degree, which was via distance program). We knew we didn't want to stay in CA almost as soon as we got there, and the move ate up a lot of money, so we weren't about to start a family while we were there; at the same time we had to save up money to move back. When we got back (age 31), we bought a house, I wanted to lose 80 lbs before TTC, and we needed to save up money. That took 2 years, and here we are. If we were heteros and had met at the same time, I'm pretty sure the timeline would be exactly the same.
We haven't had any pressure from family. I'm pretty sure DW's family assumed we wouldn't have kids because we are lesbians. My dad would never think to ask about something like that -- my mom might have, but she died when I was 25 (at which point I was single and she was not asking). The only (slight) pressure I got was from my PCP, who asked me at my first appointment with her (I was 27 and had just met DW) if I wanted to have kids. Once I said yes, she said, "Don't wait too long" and proceeded to ask me about it at every annual exam. It never felt pushy, though, and I think it did get me to think about it seriously a little earlier than I might have.
I'm an East coaster with mostly East coast friends, most of whom have successful careers and advanced degrees, and though they are all in their early 30s, almost all of them are childless (though many want kids in the next few years). My high school acquaintances/friends, who are slightly less "career-track" than my college/grad school friends, have more kids at this point. My mom (who also had an advanced degree) had us at 28, 30 and 32, so that's what I always thought was a "normal" age to have kids. When my cousin (who is from a rural community) got married at 22 and had her first child at 23, I admit I judged her and said she was too young. But she's so happy and a great mom, and I realize now that people are just on different timelines. When her son is off to college, she'll be in her early 40s and much of her life ahead of her, which is kind of cool. I'll be at least 10 years older than that and 10 years more tired! So it's hard to say what's "right."
9 IUIs = 9 BFNs
IVF October 2012: 22 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 5 frozen
ET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Blighted ovum discovered at 7w5d; D&E
FET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Missed m/c discovered at 9w5d; D&E
Karyotyping: normal ~ RPL Testing: normal ~ Hysteroscopy: normal
FET #2: 1 blast transferred 10/25; BFP 10/31!
EDD 7/13/14 ~ Induced at 37w4d due to pre-eclampsia ~ Born on 6/28/14
*Everyone welcome*
I was almost 32 when I had the boys and L was 44. Most of my friends had their first child about the same time (within 3 years on either side of mine) and of course, most of L's friends had much older children (her younger sister's child was 24y when the boys were born.)
We met when I was almost 26 and just starting my Masters program, married when I was almost 29 and starting TTC when I was 30. But it took almost 2y to get pregnant. In some respects I wish we could have waited another 2y or so to do some traveling and for L to finish her PhD before having the kids. But with L's age, we felt like we needed to start ASAP.
It is hard to say what is right.
It really just depends on your life path. When i was young I always figured I'd be done having kids by the time I was 30, and that might happen, but only because of the unusual way we built our family. Around here it feels like the "average" is around 30.
I'll tell you though, when i pick up the kids from daycare and school (daycare mostly), i feel young compared to the other parents. I'm 29 so if i had birthed Sprout, I would have been 23 which is a little on the young side for the area. And at daycare? forget it! the other parents mistake me for the older sister or something. I'm thinking its because its a very expensive daycare (thank goodness we dont pay full price!) so the parents that can afford it are those with advance degrees and a number of years in their field and had children at older ages.
i dont think there is a right or wrong and society's views on this have changed a lot over the past couple generations.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
I don't think anyone can tell you what age is appropriate, I think you just have to use your best judgement. For me, even though I want 9 kids (not really..) it was tough pulling the trigger. I felt that since it couldn't happen accidentally, everything had to be 'prefect'. It was essential for us to be legally married, own our own home, and be financially secure. (DISCLAIMER: I am not saying this is essential for everyone, it was the way we did it and I envied friends of ours who felt secure having the child first and then working on other aspects, like buying a home).
We were married October 2009 and started TTC the next month. It took us 1.5 years to get pregnant. I was 34 and K was 39 when I got pregnant. I am in the middle of 4 kids, my older sister is 39 and beginning TTC this year. N is the first grandchild on my side. (He is the 22 grandchild on K's side, she is the youngest of 9). I come from a very career minded family (extended family included). There isn't a single person in my family who had a child in their 20's. My friends are the same way. Most of my high school friends have toddlers and are still TTC.
oops. N is up! I have more to say but I have to run!
Your thoughts are interesting and I so want to be replying rather than working, but my office seems to think I should work.
I don't want anyone to think I'm judging for what you made your choices on. I know it's often based on when you find the right relationship/finances/graduate school/etc. But I guess I'm finding that my internal deadline of "30" feels important regardless of all the other stuff.
We're married, have traveled a fair amount, and both have Master's degrees and stable decent jobs. But in my younger self's vision I would have been done with school (I intend to go back, unfortunately) and we would own a home (but we live in an area where a huge percentage of people rent).
IVF Oct/Nov 2012
Beta #1 = 77, Beta #2 = 190, Beta #3 = 1044
Cautiously optimistic.
This home owning issue seems to come up a lot in these types of conversations. I never really thought about it because as a kid, my parents didn't own a home until I was nine or ten! It never occurred to me that you need a house to have a family. C has always been very interested in home ownership, and that coupled with our desire to move to the 'burbs was what made us pull the trigger on homeownership. But if we had decided to stay in the city? I would be happy to still be in an apartment, just a nicer one that what we had ;-)
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
Well, I clearly don't have the answer to this question. Pre-meeting my wife, I always thought I would never marry or have kids until I was AT LEAST in my late thirties. But life is what happens when you make other plans - I'm now 26, have been married for 4 years (with C for 8) and have a nearly two year old. Ha! Surprise!
I really don't think there is a right answer. My parents had me very young, and were still on the young side when they had my half siblings. C's parents were much older. My friends who are in their twenties are mostly nowhere near marriage and kids. And I do think that in an alternate reality, where I had not met Cecilial, I may still be living the single life now (which is INSANE to think about lol).
At activities that I do with Henry, when I look around, I am usually the youngest in the room, from what I can tell. So I think for my area, mid-twenties is a bit young.
I think that statistically, at least in the recent past, being gay can contribute to having kids later in life, because so many people don't even come out until they are adults, never mind get partnered (not that you need a partner to become a parent - but you know what I mean) and start a family. And then of course there is the fact that we can't get pregnant by accident and it can be expensive. I think that we are seeing this shift though, as lgbt folks are coming out earllier and earlier.
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
I don't think there is an answer to this. In my experience, it seems to vary a lot by region and also by level of education. I was 30 and then 31 when our kids were born (Kel was 32 and 33). Kel and I both have our JDs and it seems like early to mid-thirties is pretty standard among our co-workers. My completely unscientific hunch is that our friends who don't have advanced degrees tend to have children much earlier (mid-twenties or so).
I don't think I was ready to parent earlier than we are, but there are times that I wish we were younger. It definitely factors into whether or no we might try for a third.