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DH is doesn't want another child and I do :(

I am really upset.  I want another one so bad but whenever I bring it up DH simply says no.  We did discuss how many kids we wanted before getting married:  he wanted 0-1 and I wanted 2-3.  Ava will be 3 in March and I just finished school so I am ready to have another.  I would entertain the thought of not having any more if DH could come up with a compelling argument but he says simply he doesn't want to go through that again (meaning the birth and first year).  I really don't know what to do.  I feel as if he is being very selfish.  Upon his urging I bought all of our baby stuff in a neutral color and it is still in our garage.  He hasn't mentioned getting rid of it at all.  I feel as if that is mixed signals.  Has anyone dealt with anything like this?  Were you able to convince your DH or did you settle with one child?  I fell as if it is a lose/lose situation. 
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Re: DH is doesn't want another child and I do :(

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    I would try talking very matter of factly about it his reasons for not having anymore kids. Pregnancy + the first year are very, very short term reasons in my opinion.  I would also have your answers ready for why you do want to go ahead and have another, or rather the reasons why you are ready now.  Try to keep the conversation more fact based instead of emotional, at least at first. Maybe he'll be willing to compromise and give you an idea of when he'd be okay with starting TTC?
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    Gosh, I think this is a really tough situation.  It sounds like you guys knew you weren't on the same page about this before you got married.  Did you discuss then what you would do?  IMO the kids/no kids thing is one of the few "deal breakers" in a marriage.  Is this something your would get divorced over?  If he flat out refuses, would you want to move on....conversely, if you had an oopsie pg, would he?  So, so tough.  

    Does he have siblings so he can at least understand what a huge joy it is to have someone to lean on throughout your life like that?  Perhaps play to that.  Or, do either of you have a family history of health problems?  Something a co-worker of mine pointed out as an argument for having more than one child is that siblings are usually the very best match if one child needs something like a kidney or bone marrow transplant.  

    Sorry you are dealing with this.  

    **************************************************
    Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm. 
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    Hmm tough one. I don't think you should ever pressure someone into having a baby if they aren't ready. But I also agree that hes sending mixed messages. I think you really need to have a serious talk and if he blows it off- talk about His reasons for not wanting to discuss it? Oh and for us, DH was always open to at least 2 kids but WHEN was the question. Someone at church had their newborn in the pew in front of us one day and DH stared thru the whole service. A couple days later he told me he was ready. So... Umm... Know any newborns you could bring around?

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    I'm sorry. Its a tough situation. After Abigail, I was okay with being one and done. But the past couple months, Abigail has started talking about having a little brother or a little sister and being into playing baby. So I realized how selfish it was for me to not give her a sibling because my reasons just are...well...selfish.  I started thinking about when her dad and I get older, and how hard it would be on her to have to deal with us by herself. My dad was really sick a couple years ago, and even though me and my siblings aren't really close, having that support system when we didn't know if my dad would live was a lifesaver for all 4 of us. 

    I hope you two can get on the same page and both feel at peace about it.

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    Abigail Taylor 09.18.2008


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    If you truly honestly can't be happy without another baby I would push it.  After all you are the one pregnant and nursing, not him.  Yeah, its a tough year and a half or so but think about how much joy your kids bring you!  Its a lifetime for sure.  Also, its the best gift you could ever give Ava - a sibling!  Unless there are very concrete reasons like finances, health concerns, etc I don't see why you couldn't calmly ask him to consider it and revisit the subject in a month or two.  Emphasize how much you want this and how ready you are.  I found that some things were easier and some things were harder with two - even in the early days.  Second time around you have more confidence and know what to expect.  Plus your age difference will be really good, too, for having a little helper. 

    But in his defense, he did say up front he only wanted one at the most.  Ultimately you may have to decide which is more important - your marriage or another baby and let one go and be at peace with it forever.

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    imageMrs.Guz:

    I started thinking about when her dad and I get older, and how hard it would be on her to have to deal with us by herself. My dad was really sick a couple years ago, and even though me and my siblings aren't really close, having that support system when we didn't know if my dad would live was a lifesaver for all 4 of us. 

    This is one reason I want Matthew to have siblings, as selfish as this is for us as parents.  I am an only child, well I have a half sister, but we are not close and the last time I saw her was at my Mom's funeral almost 14 years ago and she didn't even come to her own father's (we share the same dad) funeral.  I don't want Matthew to be alone dealing with the stuff that I did having lost both my parents before I turned 30.  Like others have said, having a factual talk with DH about the reasons why or why not to have another child would be a start and see where it takes you.  Good luck!

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