Upstate NY Babies

Family drama

DH found out that a more or less distant cousin of his passed away in his 20's (probably drug related).  No one in DH's immediate family really kept in touch with the cousin (I've never heard of him or met him in the 13 years I've known DH), although they did see him a lot as a kid, and everyone is going to the funeral on Friday.

DH's mom will be there, and they haven't spoken in about 4 years.  Of course that puts him in a terrible situation, I am just stressing out over it.  Last time she tried to be a part of our life, it was the worst thing I have ever gone through.  So I'm hoping that is not going to be an issue.  Things ended up being so incredibly ugly, it is hashing up all kinds of emotions and stress for me.

And, my FIL paid us back a couple $100 this Xmas, the first time he's paid us back towards the thousands loaned to him, and of course the funeral is going to cost DH probably all $400 (travel expenses, hotel, meals, new suit since he lost a ton of weight), etc.  I thought for one month we could not be worrying about bills, but now we are even more stretched thin between Xmas and these expenses.  I hate to even worry about money when it comes to someone's passing, but we don't have $400 for this right now, plus one of our cars is barely working, so DH has to take my car and I basically have to find someone to get DD from preschool and then I'm stuck at home for 2 days.

My heart goes out to this family, I cannot even imagine, although I can relate.  I definitely support DH going, and I am not complaining at all about him supporting the family.  I just wish it didn't involve all these other issues.

Re: Family drama

  • I'm not trying to sound mean but does he have to go if he wasn't even close to the person of that the fact that he's not even close to his family anymore? I know I haven't gone to several funerals because I'm not close the person or people affected. Again I'm not trying to sound mean but to shell out $400 on someone you barely know, I just don't think I would go. I would send a nice card and maybe some flowers and that should be enough considering the relationship that is existing.
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  • I agree actually.  But I feel like it is a little bit of a sensitive thing to bring up to DH.  I think maybe he feels like he "needs to" because everyone else is going.

    The other family members (like his aunt) was even confused if the cousin lived in Pittsburgh or Philly.  Those are completely different place.. she had no idea.  I mean if you don't even know what city a person lives in, it's fine to spport, but you can't act like you were close..

    And I don't know if it is how it usually works, but the funeral is 6pm on a Friday, and since there are dozens of people coming from OOT, not sure why it's not on a weekend.

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  • Maybe try and  bring it up to him. Maybe if he knows that it's okay to feel obligated but sending a card and flowers is just as acceptable he won't feel guilty about not going. Good luck.
    Took 2 years & 8 months to make our baby! Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I agree with September. Does he have to go? The way I read the post, it would be weirder for him and family to go if they were not close than to not go, kwim? Although, all families are different I suppose.  But that sounds weird to me.
  • That's a hard situation...and bringing it up to him will probably make you look insensitive.  Good luck.
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  • well if you cant discuss the sensitive issues with your dh- you have bigger issues than going to a funeral...

    i think there is a way to tackfully bring up the subject and discuss the option of not going..i agree with sept- based on all the family drama and the relationship that is in place- he shouldnt have to go...

    and if you do go- funerals, just like births, make people start to re-evaluate their own lives- so your MIL might be keen on trying to make amends (again)- be prepared. 

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