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Parenting
mrscountry527
member
How to care for a 17mo old and 2wk old??
mrscountry527
member
in Parenting
DD is 17mos and DS is 2wks. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to watch both of them at the same time. Right now, we live with my parents and they watch DD when my DH works. I'm not suppose to lift over 20lbs for another 2wks, so I'm pretty much restricted in caring for DD right now. But after 4wks, I don't know how I'm going to physically and mentally manage the two of them. DD doesn't understand if she's hurting DS or not-so I have to either constantly hold DS or constantly watch the two of them if I put him down within her reach. It breaks my heart to hear my DD cry-but I don't know how I can physically hold the two of them at the same time. And for DD's nap time, where will I put DS while I put DD to sleep? How will I be able to use the bathroom? Or make myself some food? Or how do I feed them both at the same time? I exclusively pump and it's already hard to do if DS is awake and/or gassy, I don't know how I can pump and keep DD away from DS at the same time. I'm having such anxiety over this. Things would be so much easier if DD was older and could understand things better. Anyone else have any experience with this or advice?
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Re: How to care for a 17mo old and 2wk old??
first - it will get better!!!!!
as a mom of 3, pregnant with #4 I can assure you that where you are right now is the hardest it will ever get! If you have a third, it will still never be as hard as adjusting to life with two. my worst moments were three weeks pp with #2, nursing her on the toilet because my hemmroids were sooooo bad all while trying to entertain #1 in the bathroom. Sometimes I just locked us all in my bedroom so DD1 could crawl around, but be contained and I could sit on the bed and nurse the baby because she nursed 24/7.
1. you won't be going to the bathroom alone. ever.
2. its okay for babies to cry sometimes.
3. will DS nurse at all? pumping is a lot of work I would try to get him to latch.
4. tv will be your friend
5. the next few weeks will be really hard, but I promise its all down hill after that even if you have more babies
GOOD LUCK!!!!
Mine were 2 years apart. I am not going to lie-- it's hard, even with help. It's also called being the parent of 2 small kids. Did none of this cross your mind before you had the baby? You eat when you can and pee with the door open if you have to.
Infants pretty much sleep where you put them. Put a pack and play wherever you are and the toddler goes down in her crib. Get a sling. That's how you hold them both at the same time. 18 months is plenty old enough to learn 'gentle touches'.
If you're at home with them both, why are you exclusively pumping? You can nurse the baby in a sling while you do other stuff with the toddler.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Hang in there, mine were 24 months apart and it was hard, but you will find your routine. I would disregard the pp's comment about not having thought about this before hand....we all thought about it, and it was harder than I had imagined it would be. We just survived. I also had a c-section so was on limited lifting, could not drive, etc. Your older child will start to learn and become more mature, but honestly the next 6-12 months could be a total blur on your life radar when you look back on things.
Things that kept me going...the sling...I wore my DD about 18 hours a day,
Thomas the Train, DS loved to either play with his train tracks or watch the show..
.nap time....the baby slept in the morning and they both went down for a nap at 1:00 and slept until around 3 or 3:30. Nap time was non-negotiable, I wouldn't care if they cried...they usually didn't, but if they did it didn't last long and then they fell asleep.
My Mom's group....can you find a group in your area for moms of little ones? I found mine on meetup.com....
I frequently ate dinner with a baby in a sling and a 2yo on my lap,
finally...the most important part of my day...BEDTIME....DS went up at 6:45 regligiously, by then I was done being a mom and by the time we did the whole bed time routine, stories, etc. it was always around 7:15 when we would put him in his crib...
Hang in there....and if you are feeling like it is too much or if you are slipping into a state of PPD talk to your Dr.
One more thing....let the household chores go for a while if you can tolerate a bit of a mess, or have DH do them, or hire a cleaning company for the next month...if you can. If someone asks what they can do to help take them up on it....ask them to make you dinner or come play with your older one so you can take a nap....a really good friend did my laundry one day.
Also...try to sleep as much as you can. That is what reminded me about the cleaning stuff. In the beginning I was trying to use nap time as chore time, cleaning, sweeping, etc. and realized that I just couldn't do it. For the first few months I slept when they did, or at least took a bread and sat for a while to re-charge.
Why disregard it? It's a legitimate question. She seems to be at a total loss as to how to function as a parent of 2.
I spent a large portion of my pregnancy prepping DS for the arrival of the baby. We practiced gentle touches and I reassured him that he would always be the first baby. I told him that mommy needed to be careful of her tummy (c/s). Obviously she can't do that now that the baby is here, but the logical thing to do if the toddler is wailing on the new baby is to separate them. Baby in a pack n play and toddler out. Or toddler in play yard and baby in bouncer.
You will never be in the bathroom alone again. That's pretty much a given. LOL
Have a lot of nutritious snacks around for you and DD. Where is the father in all of this? He can prep lunches for everyone so that all you need to do is grab and go.
If the baby wants to be carried, you learn to do everything one-handed. That's where the sling comes in. Baby is held and you have 2 hands to deal with the other child.
Both kids WILL cry more than you want them to. You deal with the most needy one first.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
My girls are 18 months apart... I quickly discovered that a Hotsling was my absolute best friend during those first few months... having both hands free to tend to DD#1 while still "holding" DD#2 was the key to my sanity. I got to the point where I was able to nurse DD#2 while cooking dinner with DD#1 at my feet!
I also cut myself a LOT of slack the second time around... didn't worry about cosleeping and creating bad habits, nursed on demand (which meant pretty much 24-7!), didn't stress about schedules, etc. Give yourself as much leeway as you need these first few months... you're all dealing with major changes and despite how you feel right now, it WILL get better... so just let stuff slide as much as possible.
congratulations!
Big Girl 2.7.06 ~ Baby Girl 9.2.07
Totally not a legitimate question. There is absolutely nothing she can do about what she did or didn't think about months ago when she was pregnant. She is obviously a new mother to 2under2 and is struggling. Questioning her about her thoughts prior to birth will do absolutely nothing to help her, except make her feel even more terrible. Therefore I told her disregard the statement, she is in the present moment of now, two babies, sleep deprivation, post surgery, raging hormones. She does not need added guilt.
I think that you need to dial it back with the first trimester hormones.
Relax.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
Really? Simplistic much? Do you not recall your state of mind 2 weeks PP? The slightest challenge seems insurmountable.... and you truly believe you may be the first woman in the history of motherhood to actually die under the stress of parenting two children under two years old. Consider yourself lucky if these thoughts never crossed your mind. We here all have the luxury of experience and hindsight. We know full well that in the end, we do figure it out and things do work themselves out. But until she reaches that point (which, frankly, can take months), it's a long, stressful road, and she'd benefit from some compassion and sympathy.
Big Girl 2.7.06 ~ Baby Girl 9.2.07
I disagree with the "gentle touches" comment above. DD1 was 17 months when DD2 came along, and she never grasped the concept of being gentle with her baby sister. I had to (and still do to a degree) watch them like a hawk all day long (they are now 17 months and 35 months). It's exhausting, but it WILL get easier. The first year was the absolute hardest time of my life.
Once DD2 started walking and wasn't quite as fragile, I started to feel comfortable running downstairs for two minutes to switch the laundry, or going to the bathroom alone.
As much as you may hate to, use the TV whenever necessary. I have always been pretty strict with TV time, but it was nearly impossible to do anything with the baby in the first six months or so without distracting DD1 somehow, and the tv was often the thing to do it. I got over the guilt. After the first year, I went back to my "no TV during the week" rule (until I entered 1st tri with this third pregnancy, and now all bets are off!).
Also, find a carrier you love, and use it. I know that baby#3 will be in a carrier a LOT, if I ever plan to do anything with my two older ones.
Good luck!
My kids are 18 months apart.
Wear the baby. It will make your life so much easier. I also had 'zones' that would contain one or both. The crib was a zone, the highchair was a zone, the bouncy seat, etc. Someplace I knew that one or both kids would be contained for a few minutes or longer if need be.
I also don't know why you are pumping unless it is to build up a back to work supply. If that's the case, do it at night when your toddler is asleep if at all possible.
You will find yourself actually multitasking. I would nurse one while giving the other a bath. Cook a meal while singing to the kids.
It is hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I read recently that having kids less than 2 years apart is more about damage control in the first years than parenting. Looking back, I would say that is a fairly accurate assessment.
You'll find your new normal soon. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And don't sweat the small stuff.
Totally agree with this.
So many of us were in her same boat and without the closeness in age. Many of us had no clue it would be as difficult as it is. And actually, many of us are just NOW finally getting a good hang of things.
It will get easier. Right now and for a while you will be in survival mode. You're going to repeat yourself a lot to your oldest, but be consistent. Also, try to make your oldest feel important. Get her involved in helping as much as she possibly can. Get a backpack to fill with fun things to do while you are feeding the baby. Take showers at night when your DH is home. Accept as much help as possible. And ditto the wrap/sling whatever...
It will take a lot of work, but she'll learn to understand to be gentle by watching you and you calmly reminding her. Give her a new baby doll to be gentle with while you are changing/feeding the baby.
And watch your emotions. If you think you need to, talk to your OB about PPD before it gets too late. Many of us here missed the first 2 years of our youngest because we were to unaware of what we were going through.
Hang in there.
You're right. Lots of us were in her position. I had a toddler and was living with my mom and had a c/s and was not able to lift anything and also had rather serious PPD. Hmm. Sounds nothing like her situation at all.
I think that people have given her a lot of good advice, most of them the same thing. The OP would do well to follow it.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
You just do it.
I remember bringing #3 home and having all three alone the day after I got out of the hospital (long story) but I considered it a success: everyone had clean pants and everyone was fed. Nothing else matters.
Have a safe area for your toddler--shuts doors you don't want her in, have her toys, books, TV/movies etc in a central location for while you pump--tho I highly suggest getting baby to latch (if its possible). When you do have downtime, prep things for the next day. Make snacks preportioned to get out of the fridge.
Know that you just got to let stuff go...
Remember it gets easier.
Invest in a sling!
I agree with the survival mode comments and making your older child feel involved and special in some way. Curbs a lot of potentially bad behavior.
I made up a basket of toys, coloring books, etc. that Nora could only bring out and play with while I was feeding Miles. She called it her "feeding fun time" basket and made that very repetitive chore seem like a fun time for her.
Also, while I agree you should go to whoever sounds the most in need first, I tried to make an effort to go to Nora first if I could and tell Miles (even though he couldn't understand me) "Miles, you need to wait just a minute while I help your sister." Made her feel more equal.
Nora Judith 7/2/06 Miles Chauncey 4/20/09 born with Trisomy 21 - Down syndrome
My oldest 2 were 17 months apart, and it is hard. It took a few months to get everything moving smoothly...but it will happen, I promise. We did teach "gently" to the older one, and she did learn, so it is possible. I admit, the house went to sh#t for a few months, but that is OK. You do what you can. I usually picked up the oldest when crying because they realized they were picked up first and could be quieted quickly usually. I would read to the older one while nursing and she was happy with that. You will survive and it will be great. I know my oldest are best friend and I think that them being close in age is alot of it.
I normally don't say anything to what I think are kind of rude comments but are you seriously saying you never got nervous at all while you were pregnant? I'm a pretty calm person overall but are you kidding....unless this was completely planned there's no way that you not one time thought about the logistics of it all and how LO#1 would adjust or whatever and even planned there is always room for doubt.
My 2 are 14 months apart a completely unplanned and their father and I had broken up and moved to another state all while I was unemployed. So I was a single unemployed pregnant mother of a 9 month old with a broken foot. Talk about a string of bad luck. So there may not be a father around and you do have to do what you have to to get by.
To answer OP: My first days home weren't bad, I almost feel like it was worse when I was 40+ weeks pregnant. DS slept most of the time and DD just wanted to love on her brother which wasn't bad at all I just held them both. I'm still working on soft gentle touches since she likes to help me burp him and give him five and such. Good Luck it will fly by and before you know it you'll have a routine down and you won't even remember the first few days.
While I totally agree with stopping nursing if it's not mutually beneficial for you and baby, I just want to point out that nipple shields aren't always the work of the devil... I was able to nurse DD#1 for over a year (I stopped when I got pregnant with DD#2). Her latch was a disaster, and we were never successful without the shield... I was totally stressed out by the lactation nazis who kept telling me I HAD to lose the shield or the world would end... it quickly became apparent to me that my choices were either using a shield or giving up BF-ing... so I decided to keep nursing 'til the shield destroyed my supply... guess what? Never happened... in fact, I was able to build up a MASSIVE supply by pumping in the evenings along with nursing all the time. I have a friend who also nursed her daughter the whole time with a shield... long story short- it did me no harm whatsover and allowed me to nurse my DD as long as *I* wanted.
p.s. nursing was a piece of cake the second time around- ironic, my ASD kiddo, who needs to be taught just about everything, had no problems whatsover with nursing!
Big Girl 2.7.06 ~ Baby Girl 9.2.07
Christmas 2011