I can't believe what I caught my husband doing!!!! — The Bump
February 2012 Moms

I can't believe what I caught my husband doing!!!!

I really don't know what to think right now but my 20 mo son and I caught my husband watching porn from the shower!! Seriously! I'm 8 months pregnant and it's New Year's Eve and he has the "urge" to do that!! I'm literally disgusted because I can't help but feel that he did it because I'm so big fat pregnant.  It's super hard not to compare yourself with a porn star NOT pregnant anyway!  I know guys masturbate often but as long as I don't know or see it, its ok..out of sight out of mind.  I just can't believe in the middle of the day while I'm feeding our son dinner he has some private time.  I'm sick!! 

What would you do?  

Re: I can't believe what I caught my husband doing!!!!

  • Honestly, I don't give a ***.  I'd probably rag on him for awhile and just ask that he do it when DS and I are in bed or another time we can't walk in on it. 

    I guess I just don't think occasional porn is a big deal.  I wouldn't see it as he's doing it because I'm pregnant and huge, it's just a release.  As long as it doesn't interfere with our lives (isn't a constant thing), no big deal.

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  • I wouldn't do anything.  It is totally normal and nothing that you should be mad about.  When I take "private time" I do feel kinda guilty because I just want to do that and not have sex, but it isn't because I don't think my husband is sexy.  Try not to take it personal.  I am sure it was awkward though.
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  • Watching it from the shower?  THAT is talent.

    I wouldn't be mad.  it is normal and likely doesn't have anything to do with you and your awesome pregnant self.

     

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  • I don't think it's a big deal, but that's just me.  I haven't been "giving it up" so I know that's what DH has to do.  I doubt it's cuz you're big and fat.  I guess when you have kids, private time is hard to come by so... Sorry.  Just try to forget it, don't take it personal, and enjoy your NYE!
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  • I'm so sorry you had to walk in on that and with you little one with you too! I unlike a lot of other ladies, I would have a problem with it too. My marriage has had issue with this territory..so yeah it can be hurtful.  Honestly I do not think it's because of your pregnancy and I'm sure he adores you.  But it is valid for you to feel hurt! As long as it doesn't turn into a replacement for intimacy between you or he becomes preoccupied with it to the point of isolation. I would talk to him about how it effects you, and if it's something he doesn't get then maybe you should seek outside help. I hope you have a better evening, but you are totally justified to be upset. I know how you feel! :)
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  • You have every right to be upset. Although PPs are right about it being "normal" in that it's expected of a man to watch pornography, I don't think that makes it right. I know a I'm not the only one who feels this way but I realize I'm probably in the minority. I don't think most people realize how addicting it is and how damaging it can be to any relationship. I would not tolerate it in my marriage and my husband knows that I would have a huge problem if I ever found out that he had been looking at it or bringing it into our home. Do understand that it most likely has nothing to do with the fact that you're pregnant. He has probably been looking at it for a while and you just happened to walk in on it tonight. I know you're hurt, but just take a deep breath and try to talk to him calmly about it. Let him know that you caught him (if he doesn't already know) and explain to him that it bothers you, especially b/c you're at a time in your life where you're feeling especially vulnerable. Remember, deep breaths!
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  • Edit: I'm not really down with the porn thing so much as the masturbation thing. 
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  • Considering that DH and I rarely have sex these days I would understand if he felt the need to take care of himself. I would be a little freaked if I just randomly walked in on him watching porn though. I don't particularly mind if/when he does it but I would like to know about it.

    I doubt your DH finds you unattractive even though you're 8 months pregnant. He may be having a hard time viewing you as a sexual being though and I think that's normal.  

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  • imageMI-bride:

    Watching it from the shower?  THAT is talent.
     

     

    haha... right?  I only WISH my SO did it in the shower.  I've actually asked him to go "feed the ducks" ... some days he just needs to get the poison out ;)  and it's better than finding a pre-pubescent-style sock wadded up on the floor!  Ick!

    All kidding aside... honestly, when I was younger (I am turning 40 in 2012),  I would be so upset when the issue of porn would come up with a boyfriend.  But, now that I am a little older and a (slightly) more secure person... I honestly don't care.  Men are visual creatures... and when they need a release, they can accomplish that in 2.5 seconds with porn.  As long as your husband doesn't become fixated -- or turn you down and then turn to porn... I would try not to let it bother me.

    I've also "caught" my SO -- and, while I admit... my first reflex was to think ... "man, he'd rather look at that, then my fat-pregnant-ass" ... I came to understand, that it has absolutely nothing to do with me... and it just makes his day easier to get thru, by having that release... I have been on pelvic rest and haven't been able to give it up for months, how can I blame the poor guy?!?

     

  • imagekms34:

    Honestly, I don't give a ***.  I'd probably rag on him for awhile and just ask that he do it when DS and I are in bed or another time we can't walk in on it. 

    I guess I just don't think occasional porn is a big deal.  I wouldn't see it as he's doing it because I'm pregnant and huge, it's just a release.  As long as it doesn't interfere with our lives (isn't a constant thing), no big deal.

    This!

    FTR, I don't give it up at all lately and DH has a different sex drive than me right now. I expect him to be respectful of me not giving him any but I have to respect that he needs some. Porn/masturbation is better than cheating as long as its not affecting our relationship.  

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  • I would just tell him that in the future he should make sure he at least locks the door. That would be really awkward if one of your kids walked in on him by themselves. I think I would probably feel a little sad because at this point in my pregnancy my stomach is so huge and I feel so unattractive, but deep down I would know that this was just him taking care of a need and not any reflection of his feelings of me. Sure, it can become an addiction, but would you get upset at your husband drinking an occasional beer because then maybe he could become an alcoholic? Like others have said, as long as it isn't interfering with your sex life or other aspects of your life, personally I wouldn't stress about it.
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  • I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

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  • I'm with lancyjo on this one. Porn is not something that belongs in our marriage, and thankfully my husband agrees. OP, I would have been upset too.
  • imagelancyjo:

    I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

    Yes 

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  • imageelektra1835:
    You have every right to be upset. Although PPs are right about it being "normal" in that it's expected of a man to watch pornography, I don't think that makes it right. I know a I'm not the only one who feels this way but I realize I'm probably in the minority. I don't think most people realize how addicting it is and how damaging it can be to any relationship. I would not tolerate it in my marriage and my husband knows that I would have a huge problem if I ever found out that he had been looking at it or bringing it into our home. Do understand that it most likely has nothing to do with the fact that you're pregnant. He has probably been looking at it for a while and you just happened to walk in on it tonight. I know you're hurt, but just take a deep breath and try to talk to him calmly about it. Let him know that you caught him (if he doesn't already know) and explain to him that it bothers you, especially b/c you're at a time in your life where you're feeling especially vulnerable. Remember, deep breaths!


    I agree with this!
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  • imagelancyjo:

    I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

     

    We are Christian as well, but we are also human.  DH is happy with me and I know this, but I also know he looks at porn.  Doesn't make him less Christian. 

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  • No matter what anyone thinks of the porn/masturbation he shouldn't have done it where he could be discovered by the kid. I'm not exactly putting out a lot right now. But if my boys saw that just from dh being slack in locking a door I would be pissed. He should be able to control his needs a bit better. We have 2 kids and some alone time can be found.
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  • imagetmjmeister:
    imagekms34:

    Honestly, I don't give a ***.  I'd probably rag on him for awhile and just ask that he do it when DS and I are in bed or another time we can't walk in on it. 

    I guess I just don't think occasional porn is a big deal.  I wouldn't see it as he's doing it because I'm pregnant and huge, it's just a release.  As long as it doesn't interfere with our lives (isn't a constant thing), no big deal.

    This!

    FTR, I don't give it up at all lately and DH has a different sex drive than me right now. I expect him to be respectful of me not giving him any but I have to respect that he needs some. Porn/masturbation is better than cheating as long as its not affecting our relationship.  

    I'm with this crowd on this one.  We both need release when the other is not around or not in the mood (or it's just not a good time) and it's perfectly acceptable to go get it.  Me?  I just think about sexy stuff to get going.  However, my husband need to SEE sexy stuff to get going. 

    But I also think he shouldn't have been doing it where your DS could walk it; that's the part that deserves a discussion. 

  • imagemommybrynn:
    imagelancyjo:

    I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

     

    We are Christian as well, but we are also human.  DH is happy with me and I know this, but I also know he looks at porn.  Doesn't make him less Christian. 

    We aren't "Holy Rollers" by any means, but we are honest enough to say that we know porn isn't cool with God, therefore we don't watch it. It might not make him less Christian, but it's still not right and out of the will of God. I won't get into a "which sin is worse" debate, because I know that aside from blasphemy, they are all equal sins to God. But where I'm from, the words "I'm a Christian" and "I think its ok to watch porn" don't ever go in the same sentence

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  • I am so sorry to hear this, Im sure it ended your year on bad terms. I know I would probly ball my eyes out. Hopefully he has learned how you feel about it now and he will never do it again! again Im so sorry to hear about this!!
  •   I would try not to take it too personally. I give my DH a little bit of a hard time too but since i'm never in the mood I can't blame him too much.  Of course he usually waits until i'm in bed so I don't walk in on him.
  • This is one of those topics that not everyone is going to agree on or handle the same way... If it hurt your feelings, then you're justified to be upset, and there's nothing wrong with talking to him about how it made you feel... 
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  • I wouldn't worry too much, unless you felt like this was an addiction. It's really very normal.  
  • Interesting conversations going on. . . I'm not even going to touch the religion comments.

    Does you DH already know how you feel about porn/masterbation?  If so than yes, you can be upset.  If not, you probably need to have that talk with him.  Well, either way you should tell him how you feel.  (And I doubt he finds you unattractive!)

    I'm totally on the opposite side of the issue than you-  I actually encourage my H to masterbate (as we haven't done much of anything in the last 3 or more months. . .I feel bad) and if he wanted to watch porn I'd be fine with that too. . . as long as it wasn't kids or violent- just your run of the mill overly larged boobed fake women.

    Either way he shouldn't have done it where your kid could catch him.

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  • my thing with SO is that I know its normal and healthy but I dont ever want to feel unwanted or 2nd. So, I like to be given first option :) and if I'm not feeling it, or arent home, or something then he can go to town. It may sound weird but it works for us lol Honestly, I wouldnt really mind.. if you know he does it then how can he help whats out of sight? Usually the shower is a pretty private spot. Thought id be a little peeved that the son walked in on it, too.
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  • If you have issues with it talk to him about. However he needs to learn to be more on the DL on it. I know kids can walk in on parents having sex too but trying to what you can to prevent it is a wise thing.

     I masterbate when I need to and yes sometimes I will read something or watch something. It doesn't mean my marriage is weak if either of us does this every now and then. 

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  • imagelancyjo:

    I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

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  • I hope that everything has simmered on the home base - hopefully a healing conversation has come out of this whole thing for you two. i would be crushed to find my man doing that if i walked in with my LO - embarassed, hurt, angry and feeling a little left out. especially if we hadn't already set up boundaries or dialogued about the current state of our physical relationship and sexual needs.

    every couple handles sex and their needs/wants differently. i don't like finding hidden porn in my house (and i have, and have either a) chucked it and freaked out or b) called him from home to tell him i was just eating lunch and watching one of his movies and then teased him mercilessly on his choices.) hiding is not okay.  you wanna do that, watch that? don't hide it from me, talk to me about it.

    as for the "takin' care of business" issue - lock the freakin' door. please.

  • imagejewerner:
    my thing with SO is that I know its normal and healthy but I dont ever want to feel unwanted or 2nd. So, I like to be given first option :) and if I'm not feeling it, or arent home, or something then he can go to town. It may sound weird but it works for us lol Honestly, I wouldnt really mind.. if you know he does it then how can he help whats out of sight? Usually the shower is a pretty private spot. Thought id be a little peeved that the son walked in on it, too.

    You got it, I don't really care all that much at all. But if  it comes between us, then we will have huge issues. 

    Try not to be too sensitive about it, but ask him to lock the door so the kiddo's don't walk in, that's not okay. 

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  • imagelancyjo:
    imagemommybrynn:
    imagelancyjo:

    I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

     

    We are Christian as well, but we are also human.  DH is happy with me and I know this, but I also know he looks at porn.  Doesn't make him less Christian. 

    We aren't "Holy Rollers" by any means, but we are honest enough to say that we know porn isn't cool with God, therefore we don't watch it. It might not make him less Christian, but it's still not right and out of the will of God. I won't get into a "which sin is worse" debate, because I know that aside from blasphemy, they are all equal sins to God. But where I'm from, the words "I'm a Christian" and "I think its ok to watch porn" don't ever go in the same sentence

     

    Fair enough-- you make an excellent point(s), and quite frankly I would probably be hurt if I actually caught DH in the act, even though I like to stand on my soapbox and say I wouldn't care. It's one thing to say you don't mind knowing they do it and another to walk in on it.

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  • My husband and I have had issues with this in the past. I have no problem with him masturbating, but him masturbating to other women really offends me. I have tried to be open to the idea that it is "normal" for men to watch porn, and I just can't accept that. In our relationship, there is no reason for him to look at other women just to satisfy himself. I have been on pelvic rest for the last 7 weeks, and am now on bed rest, and we still manage to make it work for him.

     

    I would talk to him. You have every right to feel the way that you do, but he needs to know how you feel, and holding it all in won't help. You also have to be willing to work with him on it and come to some sort of consensus on the topic.  I've offered to let my husband take pictures of me so that if he needs something to look at, at least it will be me. Prior to marrying him, I would have never considered that, but I love him and want him to be happy too, but not at the expense of my feelings.

     

    Best of luck!

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  • Man, I think I would just be glad that he hadn't tried to have sex with me. I feel like this baby is down so far that any sex would bump her in the head. Sex is the last thing I want right now. I honestly don't care. DH and I have a great sex life, he compliments me all of the time on how I look whether or not I am pregnant, and if he wants to watch some porn and do the nasty in the shower; fine by me. BUT- in the eight years we've been married I have only caught DH looking at porn once; and I just laughed uproariously at him which I think might have hurt his feelings. I told him it was fine with me if he did. That being said, he obviously doesn't have an addiction/tendency to do it; and if he did I would probably be saying something totally different.
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  • I wouldn't worry about it. My DH has been freaked out by the baby and is not into sex w/me right now. I can understand that since I'm a bit nervous about it too. We haven't talked about it much, but I can only home that he's finding a way to get some release. Yay if it's in the shower and I'm totally fine with porn since I know he doesn't have a problem/addiction to it and since we used to watch a bit together- way back when. I'd be a hypocrite to bring the axe down on it now.
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  • I would love to know how anyone knows that god isn't cool with porn...
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  • imagelancyjo:

    I guess I'm sort of the odd man out...

    1.) I would not be ok at all with my hubs watching porn ever. We're Christians, it's totally against our mutual morals, and I don't feel it's something he ever "needs" to do if he's happy with me. Why would he need to see other people, unrealistic women, having sex? How would that ever benefit him? I don't think it's healthy for him as a person, or for our family, for our marriage.

    2.) I am torn on the subject of mastrubation. If I havent been able to give him any, and he feels the need to "release", then ok... I get it, as long as its not inhibiting our sex life... I won't like it, I'll probably worry he's wanting someone else or that I'm inadequate... But I'll keep my mouth shut about it. Jacking off to the images of other women... No. Abso-freaking-lutely not. I'd flip my sh!t... And not feel a bit bad doing it.

    Couldn't have said it better myself. COMPLETELY agree! 

  • imageMI-bride:
    I would love to know how anyone knows that god isn't cool with porn...

    Even though it does not blatantly state that pornography is a sin or that God is not okay with it, the principle is addressed. It does say in Matthew 5:28  "If a man looks on a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart." 



  • imagetayrob1986:

    imageMI-bride:
    I would love to know how anyone knows that god isn't cool with porn...

    Even though it does not blatantly state that pornography is a sin or that God is not okay with it, the principle is addressed. It does say in Matthew 5:28  "If a man looks on a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart." 



    Thank you, I couldn't have said it better myself. 

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  • imagesoveryexcited:
    Man, I think I would just be glad that he hadn't tried to have sex with me. I feel like this baby is down so far that any sex would bump her in the head. Sex is the last thing I want right now. I honestly don't care. DH and I have a great sex life, he compliments me all of the time on how I look whether or not I am pregnant, and if he wants to watch some porn and do the nasty in the shower; fine by me. BUT- in the eight years we've been married I have only caught DH looking at porn once; and I just laughed uproariously at him which I think might have hurt his feelings. I told him it was fine with me if he did. That being said, he obviously doesn't have an addiction/tendency to do it; and if he did I would probably be saying something totally different.

    This exactly!!  DH is always hinting at wanting me, but I am just not there right now.  I am so swollen down there it is the last thing I want.  In my opinion all men fantasize about naked women when they masterbate, so whether it's in his mind or on a tv screen does not make a difference to me.  I'm just happy he has a way to get satisfied without pressuring me.  Watching porn really does just make it faster, I know cause I've watched it myself when he's out of town!  

    Men are going to lust after women whether it's a porn star or a waitress he saw.  As long as it's only in his mind I could care less.  Just last night I was totally lusting after Bradly Cooper watching Hangover II!  That DOES NOT make me an unfaithful wife.  (and even though I'm not in the mood now, I will be putting him in my mental file for future "me time"  ;)  

    Unless it's really bothering you don't worry too much, just tell him to be smarter and lock the door next time so you don't have to witness it. 

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  • imageJillibean85:
    This is one of those topics that not everyone is going to agree on or handle the same way... If it hurt your feelings, then you're justified to be upset, and there's nothing wrong with talking to him about how it made you feel... 
    This!
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