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Advice Please (Long)
I have posted a few times under a different name (had to change due to personal info), but mostly have been a lurker. I wanted to get some perspective and advice on how to deal with some issues we are having with BM.
DH and BM have been divorced since the SS and SD were 1 and 2, now 9 and 10. I have been with DH since they were 4 and 5, SM since they were 5 and 6. BM lives long distance and only sees them for school vacations. Phone and Skype conversations take place sporadically. DH and BM have joint legal custody.
We have had several issues in the past where the kids have come home from a visit with somewhat questionable injuries. Odd bruises and scratches, and over the summer they have come home looking quite skinny, they have always been "skinny" kids, but they appeared much skinnier than usual. We have taken them to their pediatrician each time, but he feels that no actual abuse is taking place, just poor parenting choices. We cannot change their pediatrician without BM's consent.
The kids just returned from their holiday visit, and SD came back with adult gauged earrings in her ears. They are about three times as wide as a normal earring stud. DH heard BM tell her in the parking lot when picking them up that she had to promise to keep them in until summer no matter what. He did not know at the time that they were so large, he just figured they were normal earrings and that he would remind SD that she can change them when she wants to. In the car on the way home she was complaining that her ears hurt. He took them out and that is when he saw how large they were. Her earring holes are all swollen and puffy, and have had some *** discharge and bleeding. SD says that BM had to shove the earrings in really hard to make a new hole and that it hurt. I have a call into the pediatrician, but I am almost positive that we will have the same song and dance as always.
I guess really I am just wondering if anyone has any advice for or experience with a situation like this. BM does not want the kids to have a new pediatrician, but I think we need someone who will take things a little more seriously.
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Re: Advice Please (Long)
Even if there is something in your CO stating you can't change your pedi, I'm sure it doesn't say you cannot get a second opinion so long as you pay for it yourself.
It sounds like more "bad parenting choices" to me.
But I agree with PP, you can always get a second opinion without fully changing doctors.
Sorry, I kind of agree w/ your pediatrician.
My XH is long distance, and I have the same worries you do. One time DS had fallen in the road, and his face was all cut up, and there was dried blood and dirt caked all over him because he apparently hadn't been washed in 2-3 days.
In our case, I think it's some inattentiveness and differences in parenting (which isn't to say either side is good or bad).
The best thing I think you can do is encourage the kids to have confidence, and advocate for themselves. You can also have some reassurance that they're old enough to tell you what's going on.
I guess that we are just worried about all of these small events piling up. While the kids are old enough to let us know that something is going on, they also have put BM on somewhat of a pedestal. Promises about how great the future will be when they are finally "old enough to decide that they want to live down there" have given them a jaded perception of what BM is like/capable of providing. They have also seen that telling DH what happens with BM has created some huge problems legally for BM in the past and they are often reluctant to give more than one word answers to what goes on when they are there.
Document, document, document, for any future custody challenges.
For the future, I would schedule a check up before they leave for summer visitation to get an official weight for them. Kids shouldn't be losing weight. Check them again after visitation.
Ditto pps about seeing another doctor. Child Protective Services did care about a bad sunburn that they got when with BM, and we had our pedi document it and write a letter.
Wait, the kids live with you and she had a 9-10 year old kid's ears gauged without a custodial parent's permission? That's totally different from having an ear pierced, which is pretty standard (though I was PISSED when my son came back to my house with a pierced ear thanks to his SM (yeah, the SM had the brilliant idea and BF didn't have the balls or common sense to say "I don't think so." The world would have ended if the daughter came home with the pierced nose she tried to suggest to her. They were 10 and 13 at the time. Yeah, she almost lost it and he almost joined her.)
I would revisit the custody order and reword it to require both parents permission for piercings, tattoos or other bodily "alterations or mutilations" beyond one standard ear piercing in the case of a daughter. No tattoos, piercings of any body part except the ear, no piercings beyond a single ear piercing, no cutting, scarring or other body alteration or mutiliation without the express consent of both parents until the child is 16 and/or can make reasonable arguments on his or her own behalf to both parents as to why s/he would like said alteration or 18 and an adult and able to legally make the choice himself/herself.
I'd also take the kids to another pediatrician. The CS order says you can't switch peds; it doesn't state you can't take them to another pediatrician while still maintaining the current one as the PCP.