Sad, frustrated (long...more like a book, really)

lisagab26

DH's parents, brother, SIL and new baby are coming today and spending the weekend (it is our "Christmas" with them).  DH and I had a goal this year to get through the holidays without any arguments, fights...it tends to be a very stressful time of year for us in general (irrelevant to IF).  We were doing very well until last night.

Last night I made one comment and it turned into a full on blow-out, and it has dragged into this morning.  The comment does revolve around IF...he is very inconsistent about taking his vitamins, and it drives me insane.  He knows this, and we've had many discussions about how, especially during our first IVF cycle, it would alleviate a lot of stress for me if I could be confident that he will take them consistently each day.  He has not proven himself, so when I got home last night and saw that the pills in the "Thursday" box were still there, I commented that he didn't take them.  From there is just went downhill.

The last thing I want is to be secretly fighting throughout the weekend while everyone is here.  We've done it too many times.  We are really trying to work on not prolonging our fights (we're both very stubborn and have issues with letting things roll off our shoulders) but when I get home from work today his parents will already be there.  UGH. 

I'm so sick of the tension that IF brings on.  And I know IF has turned me into a control freak and I am probably being too neurotic about these things, but I ask for very simple things to alleviate the stress...and I don't understand how he doesn't just do them for the sake of keeping me sane.  I'm not asking him to move mountains... I've made it so simple I've bought him a weekly pill box (that I fill) for crying out loud.  

Does anyone else deal with these types of things with DH?!?!?!?  I feel so alone when it comes to these issues...like I am the only one who's DH doesn't comply with the changes he should be making to give us our best shot at success.

Thanks for listening, I just really needed to let that out!! 

mandyandmike2009

My DH has been taking clomid for the last 3 months in hopes to improve his SA in a couple week. I have to actually take his pill and a glass of water to him every night. At first I would tell him to take his pill and that got old, so I just skipped the reminders, bit my tounge and brought the pill to him. It's a pain, but I was over the talking about the pill.

kobrie01

You are not alone! My husband and I argue about the vitamins all the time because he always forgets to take them!!   We are about to start stims for IVF#1 so I asked him to think about no alcohol or coffee for a few weeks. He didn't seem to happy about it, but agreed.  In general he has been really good about being supportive, making it to appointments, etc.  But, when it comes to his health habits, it would be nice if he took initiative without me having to bug him. It would be one less thing for us ladies to worry about, right?  The guys are after all 1/2 of the equation.

Hang in there!  I hope you guys can resolve it quietly tonight so it doesn't spoil your entire weekend. 

Wish Upon A Star

DH and I had to take antibiotics to rule out an infection causing our IF. I turned out to be the one who started to forget and DH was surprisingly the responsible one. There was even one point where he brought it up to me and woke me up to have me take it. (So out of character for him, but I liked seeing this side of him).

I can't speak for your DH, but for me, I wasn't trying to forget. I was just so tired and so busy that it was just SO EASY to forget.  

Hope your argument blows over. 

katib77

We don't argue about it - but I did eventually start putting the pills on our counter near the salt.  And everynight as I'm about to salt my dinner (I'm a salt-aholic) it reminds me and I put each of our vitamins on our plates.  Including DH's fertility Blend for men.  It's not that he doesn't want to take them.  He just forgets. 

wmenende

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated. Its super easy for me to forget everything so I can't say too much on that topic. Maybe you should give him the pill and a glass of water and it will lessen your frustration towards him?

RachH517

I have the exact same issue with my DH. I buy his vitamin and put them in a weekly pill case. I made him set an alarm on his phone and he still forgets. What worked for us was not to bring it up at night when I see that he forgot and I am pissed but to wait until the next day and then say, Can I please talk to you about something?

I made it an "I" statement (sorry, teacher here who does conflict resolution with kids). I said, I get stressed when I notice that you have not taken your vitamins and I know that you get annoyed when I bring it up. What can I do to help you remember or to make it easier to remember so that this is not a problem for either of us?

He said that even though he had an alarm set he didn't like taking the big weeklong pill thing in his bag to work (tried not to roll my eyes at this) and that it might be easier if he had a small pillcase that he could empty the vitamins from the weeklong box and just take one days with him to work.

Fine, I bought a small pillcase for him. He keeps the weeklong by his sink and each night puts the next days in the small pillcase to take to work. He keeps the lids on the weeklong box open for the days he has taken so that he remembers to fill the small one up for the next day.  It has been two weeks for us with this system and he has taken them everyday. 

Long story to basically, say, I think you should sit down with him calmly and ask what you can do to help him remember. Good luck!! 

liz4paws

I am sorry you are going through this. *hug* IF is very stressful! Luckily, I am not currently going through this with DH but many months ago I sure did. He thought it was OK to just jump into the hot tub every weekend and completely poo pooed the idea of doing ANYTHING for his side of our fertility issues. He didn't even want to go to the urologist for a SA. It made me really angry because I was making sacrifices galore and felt that I wasn't asking very much. Once he got back a poor SA he started going to a urologist and learned more about the reality of his MFI, and I really dug in and explained the cost of IVF to him, I haven't even had to nag him about doing the right thing anymore.

His being practical about the cost was enough to make him get in gear. Now he is doing all of the right things and more, and recognizes that his hard work and sacrifice *might* even mean we have success in just good old fashioned sex or an IUI.

I wish you the very best and hope that things go smoother for you here on out.

ashleymarie512

I do understand your frustrations! We did an SA in October and it came back with mild low morph. The doctor recommended vitamins and a re-test in two weeks. Well we're in the process of changing insurance policies and it won't kick in until January 1 so we decided to wait. He was ready and willing to take the vitamins, but it's slowed down in consistency. He was also really hesitant to do the SA in the first place. I'm sure he was uncomfortable with the whole idea of doing his thing in the little cup, but he finally did it and luckily the results weren't too bad and can be reversed.

The most frustrating part is that husband used to smoke (years ago before we met) and then moved to chew. He quit chewing when we met (b/c it's SUPER gross) and turned to the Snus pouches (spitless). I didn't agree, but was choosing my battles. When we started this whole TTC thing I asked him if he would quit while we're doing this since we're already facing issues with my PCOS. He said he would, but I found out he was still doing it (albeit much less) behind my back. I of course got upset and it was a big thing. I told him that I gave up trying to get him to do anything and if he wanted to contribute to our problems and thus contribute to putting more time, effort, money, heartache into the whole process that it was on him. A few weeks later, he came to me and said that he was going to quit using them and that I was right. 

I totally understand how you feel--I'm not sure the guys really understand it from our perspective. I hope you have a good New Year and belated Christmas and you were able to resolve things together!!