Those with Toxic parents...

KellyOsu23

What do you do?

Did you cut them out, ignore them, constantly stand up for yourself so you appear to be the "bad guy"?

What if they live in the same town as you? Like you cannot cut them out?

 

kittylove

I cut mine out. We live in the same town, less than a mile from each other, we use the same supermarket, and for a while the same Dr office. We have ran into each other a total of 4 times in the 8 years since I cut him out of my life. When I first cut him out of my life I simply left where ever I was without saying a word to him. The last two times, I have just pretended on to see him. At this point he understands nothing is going to change.

IMHO only you can decide what is right for you. I had a wonderful therapist once tell me I had three options. 1) accept him for who he is and stop trying to change him 2) continue to try and change him, and be misrable 3) leave. She also once asked me if I would ever let my boyfriend/husband treat me that way. Boy was that eye opening, I realized I would never let anyone treat me the way he treated me.

One more thing on the subject. For a long time I was worried about what my future kid(s) might think about not having contact with their Grandpa. It was hard for me to think about having to one day answer such questions like "why do B&J (cousins) get to go to the movies with Grandpa D but I don't?" Then I realized that DS would never know what it was like to have a realationship with my dad and that he has another grandpa to make up for that. Plus I can't imagine exsplaining to my child why I let my father treat me that way, or WORSE exsplaining why I let him treat my SON that way.

gringa78

I had a therapist tell me, "You need to be an observer.  You need to look at them and think, how sad, and do nothing more".  So that's what I try to do.  I just watch the chaos in their life, and when they try to draw me in, I tell them the only way I can be "supportive" is to encourage them to seek therapy to help them with their issues.  That is never good enough, and I am always the "bad guy", but I'm coming to terms with that. 

I haven't cut them out entirely, but I limit our contact to emails and brief phone calls.  I might Skype with DD on special occassions, but that's it.  We see them a couple times a year, as they live on the other side of the country (living far away was definitely initiated by me).  I have a blog where I post pics of DD, so they can see the pictures without me having to communicate with them a whole lot. 

DH and DD come before them.  Once I realized that, marginalizing them has been much easier.  They want to come first, but I don't let them...even if it means negative feedback for me.

Best of luck - this stuff is hard.

GreenEyedGal

I know this is a horrible thing to say but sometimes I wish I could cut her out. But being her only child, I don't have the heart to do that. So instead I choose to keep the relationship, even though it's a burden. Sometimes we're ok and she's tolerable but sometimes (like the past few weeks) she is a burden. I think to myself how one can treat someone else that way. Even more so how a mother can treat their daughter that way. It makes me want cry and become a better mother all at the same time.

So for the time being, I tolerate her, keep my mouth shut and remind myself that she will never change. 

It's a hard thing to accept that your own parent is toxic but it is what it is.

Good luck, I understand how frustrating the whole situation can be. 

qtpa2t

Up until now, I have ignored the hijinx and dramatics.  I have stood up for myself when necessary, even if I appeared to be the bad guy.  My parents do live in the same town as me, but then again, we are in a large metropolis.  As of now, I think my only option is to cut them out.

KellyOsu23

Well I typed out a Long response....

But then I realized that there is alot of issues here.

I think I need to go to some therapy over it, hah. Adding that to the list of things for 2012!

I never have gone to any therapy and I am sure it will help.

LucyPevensie

I cut off contact with my father around 20 years ago.  Abusive alcoholic - physically violent to me, my sisters and my mother when I was a child, etc.

About 12 years ago I resumed some contact - but soon after I started getting weird drunken phone calls and nasty emails about other members of my family, my mom, etc. - so that was it - no further contact since then.  No regrets. 

All the best to you with your situation KellyOsu - therapy should definitely help.  Hugs!

(Now - who wants to talk about toxic IN-LAWS?)

ela81

kittylove:

I cut mine out. We live in the same town, less than a mile from each other, we use the same supermarket, and for a while the same Dr office. We have ran into each other a total of 4 times in the 8 years since I cut him out of my life. When I first cut him out of my life I simply left where ever I was without saying a word to him. The last two times, I have just pretended on to see him. At this point he understands nothing is going to change.

This is pretty much me, I think it's been 9 or 10 years since we spoke. Since we moved we live about 20 miles apart. I've seen him a few times here and there but, I just go the opposite direction. I most recently saw him last year at a funeral visitation. He did not know I had a kid (or married for that matter) and he just walked right past me and Isabel (and my mom).  

 I'm sorry you are in a rough situation:(

NicoleeBonsai

i haven't spoken to my dad since i was 16. even at 16, it was super brief, and it was when his father died and that was that. he was just not a good man. actually, my mom kept tabs on him through friends, and we heard he passed away this year. his wife barely spoke an english and probably doesn't even remember my name, so we heard through back channels. surprisingly, didn't phase me at all.

my relationship with my mom is rocky. we went nearly a year without speaking from 2010-2011. we saw them last march for the first time in, i think 2 years... anyway the only reason we really have a relationship now is b/c of the girls. my mom needs serious therapy (for myriad reasons, including major health problems) and is definitely depressed, but refuses to seek help for fear of being labeled a nut case. this is out relationship:

- i call her on her birthday 2 days ago, and leave a nice message singing happy birthday to her. i also send her a picture of the girls with a sign that says "happy birthday grandma, we love you." i hear nothing.

- i hear nothing the next day.

- i finally call again the third day and ask if she got the message. "yes." "oh, well why didn't you call back?" "GOD I AM SO SORRY, WE WERE VERY BUSY (they are retired and her biggest activity is scrapbooking at home)." okaaayyyyyy...

anyway, sorry you are dealing with toxic parents. they suck.