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Not looking for I Told You So's but

This Army life is NOT for the faint of heart. So many of my so called Army wife friends have packed up, left their husband and moved back home. This is not what I want to do ever I'm so in love with my husband I'm just really sad that we can't be stationed closer to familiar surroundings and our family. Not just for me but our son, my husband admits to missing home so badly more and more. 

Our dreams of buying our first home, raising our children near grandparents and family, being near close friends and a church we can actively be a part of seem to just be on "pause" til our Army contract is up in 2 years. That's not forever I know but hard to "endure" and wait for when it's all you want.  

I don't even know if a change of duty station is possible, we've been where we are exactly 2 years. From what my husband says it makes you look bad in he commands eyes and even negative counseling statements. Its hard to think he would tarnish his perfect record for a simple request to move units. Who knows. I think I'm just complaining bc I've become so comfortable here at home during the holidays. 


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Re: Not looking for I Told You So's but

  • You can't consider your life as being paused. Once you start looking at this as a piece of your family's story, part of your history, it'll be easier to embrace. Be proactive and use this time to save for a house down payment, pick something awesome about where you'll be moving and plan a purchase specific to that (like if I moved to Chicago, I'd save up for Bears season tickets. If you want a house with land, research tractors.)  Don't think of yourselves as victims of your circumstances. Step up and embrace it. 
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  • Simply put you just have to embrace it.  It's a hard life to get used to.  We were stationed at McChord as our second duty station in WA state and my family is in NJ. It was miserable being that far from family and we could never afford to visit.  Time flies if you make the best of it, in no time we were out to our next duty station.  There are plenty of hobbies and activities for military spouses to keep busy.  Especially on base, just go to poke around and make the best of the next 2 years, they will pass before you know it!
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  • It is a rough life. Yes, we go in knowing that it's not all roses and butterflies, but it's amazing how much harder it actually can be than what we originally expected. Try to find something in your community to keep you busy or even a solo hobby that you can take up. You have to find and do what makes you happy, happiness won't just be given to you. My hubby plans on making this a career, so I understand the discouragement you feel of not being able to buy a house, etc. You just have to go with the flow and know that no matter what, at least you have your best friend beside you through it all. 
  • imageMrsOjoButtons:
    You can't consider your life as being paused. Once you start looking at this as a piece of your family's story, part of your history, it'll be easier to embrace. Be proactive and use this time to save for a house down payment, pick something awesome about where you'll be moving and plan a purchase specific to that (like if I moved to Chicago, I'd save up for Bears season tickets. If you want a house with land, research tractors.)  Don't think of yourselves as victims of your circumstances. Step up and embrace it. 

    Big ditto to Ojo.  Resenting your circumstances when you can't change them is a surefire way to wind up miserable.  Your attitude will create your reality in this case as it usually does, and only you can control it.  I'd advise you to start taking active steps to enjoy the here and now as soon as the holidays end and you're back ome again. 

  • DH and I are 1200 miles from our friends and family. We have DS and another on the way. It's painful, it's hard, it's sad. We wish we could have purchased a house back home, settled down and planted roots.

    DH wants to do career though. We'll be moving a lot and I'm sure having a lot harder times.

    You have to take it one day at a time and focus on the positives that you can. It's very hard, I know it is. I'm so home sick right now, but I have my husband. He is my home and my family and my friend. He is what I need to be ok and that is enough to get me through today. 

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  • The Army moved us to Korea for two years. While we were there, I came across two types of wives. Type 1- Embraced the lifestyle, the culture, and the excitement of being Army wives. They LOVED Korea and though they got homesick, they still made the most of the time spent away. Type 2- Just wanted to get back "home" and were miserable for two years straight.

     

    It's up to you to make or break your life. Would it be nice to be close to family? Yes, of course. Is that always an option? No. The military will move you closer, then further away, then back again a million times. Just go with the flow. Fighting it, being resentful, and playing the "wouldn't it be nice if..." game will just make you bitter. 

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  • It is hard. DH and I got married when I was 30 and at the time I had a very stable and independent existence. When we were dating he was on recruiting duty which was the pits so i got a little taste of how unpredictable and demanding this lifestyle can be. It has been a huge adjustment for me because I am such an orderly person. I like to make plans and the instability of our life sometimes overwhelms me and I become angry. I do agree with the PPs, you have to embrace the experience as a part of your journey together. DH will retire  in about 6 years and it wouldn't make sense for me to not count our life as officially starting until then. We are where we are now and we are writing our history. Find something that gives you purpose for right now, not for when you have house or when you're at a closer duty station closer to home, etc. etc. It could be a goal, a hobby, or anything. It can be challenging, but choosing to be happy and living in the moment beats resentment and anger any day. Do it for you, your kids, and your marriage.
  • I don't understand how your life is on hold? 

    You still do all of the things you would do if you lived in your hometown.  You still get up, get dresses, eat breakfast, head off to work (and the odds of LURVNG your civilian job 100% are slim), come home, do housework and on the weekends do your yard work.  

    Your kids are going to be doing the same basic things, no matter where you are. They learn to crawl, walk, talk, eat, play, temper tantrum, go to school make friend, become annoying teens and leave you to go off to college. 

    And there are no guarrentees that your life will be better in your hometown.  What are you going to do if the only job you can find turns out WORSE that the one you have now (I lost count of how many of my friends, both AD and civilian, who left their bad job only to land in a worse one).  Are you going to use your family as an emotional crutch to make it ALL all better or will YOU make it work out?

    My Bro and SIL ended up in Idaho due to grade/law school.  They had twins, one who has some hearing issues.  Of course life would have been easier on the east coast, near family.  But they not only "made due", they have flourished. They DO everything there s to offer in the area, they made great friends, found a church, use Skype/FaceTime, and try new things ( my vegetarian brother now fishes and bow hunts, eating his catch).  

    What I m trying to say, it's NOT the military that is putting your life on hold, it's you. 

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  • Here's how DH and I look at it. Our life isn't on hold. We're starting our family and we have some wonderful friends we've made because of the military. We use this time to plan when DH's EAS finally arrives and we can start a new chapter in our life, the beginning of the rest of our life.

    It's true, the military is not for the faint of heart or the meek. But since you're in it now and obviously are one of the women who stick by their husbands, pick your head up and prove that you're a strong woman who can get through anything.

    Many women are going through the same thing as you and their husbands are deployed, leaving them to do everything on their own. Personally, I know one woman who has 4 children, lives 14 hours away from any family, and her husband has been deployed for over a year. He has missed all but 5 months of their third child's life and 7 and a half months of their 8 months old's life. She does complain how much she misses him and that he isn't there to witness their children growing up, but never ever complains about the life she married into, or anything disrespecting the military. Her family and husband are her world and she wouldn't change a thing. In our little group of friends, we have a game night once a week and a sugar night almost every month where we get to watch the children play and we get to talk, complain, brag, cry, whatever it is to keep ourselves mentally healthy.

    The time will fly by if you keep yourself busy. It sounds like you are not willing to admit that this is your life now, and while it's difficult, it's not impossible. It teaches you to never take a single day for granted with your husband and always count your blessings that you get to sleep next to him every night since he isn't deployed. 

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  • imagesowhatkimberly:

    This Army life is NOT for the faint of heart. So many of my so called Army wife friends have packed up, left their husband and moved back home. This is not what I want to do ever I'm so in love with my husband I'm just really sad that we can't be stationed closer to familiar surroundings and our family. Not just for me but our son, my husband admits to missing home so badly more and more. 

    Our dreams of buying our first home, raising our children near grandparents and family, being near close friends and a church we can actively be a part of seem to just be on "pause" til our Army contract is up in 2 years. That's not forever I know but hard to "endure" and wait for when it's all you want.  

    I don't even know if a change of duty station is possible, we've been where we are exactly 2 years. From what my husband says it makes you look bad in he commands eyes and even negative counseling statements. Its hard to think he would tarnish his perfect record for a simple request to move units. Who knows. I think I'm just complaining bc I've become so comfortable here at home during the holidays. 

    Ditto what everyone else has said/suggested. I wanted to suggest PWOC its a non-denominational Bible study.  Most meet on Tuesday mornings.  The ladies(now friends...some family) I've met are wonderful and supportive! The spring semesters will be starting up soon.   I'm not sure where you're stationed so couldn't give you a specific link, but the link should help.   https://www.pwoc.org/Locator.html .

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  • I clicked through your bio and saw some of your other recent posts. You are going through a difficult time right now, so the idea of being settled near your family is especially appealing. I can understand those feelings.

    The reality, though, is that you have to go back to where your DH is stationed and where you currently live. Have you tried getting involved in things like MOPS or PWOC (or CWOC if you are Catholic)? Two years is still a long time to tread water. To have spent your DH's four year commitment living "on hold" is really a shame. As a pp mentioned, you can choose to make the most of where you are, build a life in the now and take those memories and friendships with you in two years. Or, you can wait for your DH's military commitment to be fulfilled and hope that he gets a good job back home that will allow you to peruse your dreams back home.

    I wish you and your family all the best.
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