April 2012 Moms
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Advice needed... I'm at a total loss here.

I know you ladies have heard me complain about my MIL in the past for a multitude of things, but now I'm really at a loss of what to do about the situation. Something has to change.

For Christmas, she bought me a great electric double breast pump. I was SO excited about it- probably my favorite gift from Christmas. I thanked her profusely and went on and on about how happy it made me. She was also saying that she hopes it lasts a long time for other kids and I said we wanted to wait at least a year and a half after baby girl comes to start trying to get pregnant again. She smiled and didn't say anything. After she left the room to go finish making dinner, SIL comes over and sits by me (she's 17) and says "Don't say things like that in front of Mom anymore, it just fuels her fire." I was confused and she went on to explain to me that MIL's menopause is way out of hand and she doesn't know if the things she's saying are the menopause talking or really how she feels. Apparently, she has told SIL that she thinks I conned John into having a baby way before he wanted to, that we are no more ready to be parents than my 20 year old BIL who is still in college, and that there's no way we'll wait a year and a half to get pregnant again because we said we wanted to wait 5 before we had this one. FYI- we never told ANYONE how long we were going to wait to have a baby. She would repeatedly say "5 years is the best amount of time to wait. You need 5 years of marriage blah blah blah" and I never argued because it wasn't worth it and it sure wasn't any of her business. We wanted to wait 2 years FWIW but when the doc said that my conditions were getting worse, we decided to give it a shot. We are lucky to be pregnant. She knows that. For her to say that I forced John into getting pregnant hurts my feelings but more importantly, is way out of line. SIL said she made mention that she bought the breast pump so that she could babysit more and make sure we weren't going to screw the baby up. DH and I are 24, we own a house, we have steady jobs, and make good money. It's tight sometimes but never scarily tight. I don't know if she's talking about maturity, but I can guarantee I wouldn't know any more about having a newborn of my own in 5 years than I do now.  I feel as ready as I'll ever be to have this baby.

Since she's not saying any of it to me or John, I don' t know if its appropriate to confront her about any issues she's having. She has told me that she doesn't think we're ready and we've danced around the issue. John's plan is to talk to his dad about what's going on and get his input before we go after her because the menopause (though not an excuse totally-I'm pregnant and managing to control my hormones) is out of control. She yelled at my SIL for murmuring a complaint about her period that was making her throw up and said "TRY GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE!"

 If I do sit down and talk about this with her, I'm not even sure what to say. It hurts to know my whole family is behind us and soooo excited-including FIL, but she's just waiting for John and me to fall on our faces. We are expected to fail. John is worried that we could jeopardize our relationship with her for a long time if we even bring it up but I, personally, think it needs to be addressed before April.

Thoughts? 

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Re: Advice needed... I'm at a total loss here.

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    Im a very non-confrontational person....so if I were in your shoes -- i would probably just ignore it and let it go.  If MIL is already snarky and nasty about the pregnancy -- the best way to show her up is to be great parents (which I'm sure you will be).  Show her that you CAN do it -- and prove her that you will NOT fail.  Normally people who have certain thoughts about things aren't going to change her mind---and even if you do sit down and talk to her about it --- she is still going to think that you guys are too young, too immature, etc.  I would just let it go - and raise your baby - and not worry about what she thinks.  If she wants to be cranky and miserable.....thats her problem - not yours

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    I think you have a good plan in place of approaching FIL first. See what he thinks can be done/said. If its menopause MAKING her say and act that way, I'm not sure if there is much that can be done. I'm no Dr but I don't think menopause would make you have thoughts that you never had before. I would think it enhances your moods and emotions.

    Sorry you are having a tough time. Talk to fil and see what he says. Then go from tjere.
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    imageSclines2595:
    Im a very non-confrontational person....so if I were in your shoes -- i would probably just ignore it and let it go.  If MIL is already snarky and nasty about the pregnancy -- the best way to show her up is to be great parents (which I'm sure you will be).  Show her that you CAN do it -- and prove her that you will NOT fail.  Normally people who have certain thoughts about things aren't going to change her mind---and even if you do sit down and talk to her about it --- she is still going to think that you guys are too young, too immature, etc.  I would just let it go - and raise your baby - and not worry about what she thinks.  If she wants to be cranky and miserable.....thats her problem - not yours

     

    I agree 100% with this.  I know ignoring doesn't help, but than again, I don't think addressing it will either.  She is who she is and a talk is not going to change her. You have to prove to her that you can and will do it.  People like her need to eat their words and eventually she might just change her mind. Sorry you are going through this.  I personally know how it feels to not always agree with or get along with the MIL. 

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    She obviously and unfortunately does not think much of you and your upcoming skills as parents and that makes me really sad for you.  Why do people have to be so nasty?  Ugh...I am laid back but when someone is constantly doing things or saying things like her there is no way I could sit back as much and just take it. If it gets much worse then I would have DH bring it up with her and I would personally keep my distance.  Keep us updated.  Not to be dramatic but she sounds a little toxic and I don't like spending any energy on toxic people, regardless of who they are. Like pp said, just raise your baby and she can eat her words when you do an awesome job.
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    imageMusiclover2012:
    She obviously and unfortunately does not think much of you and your upcoming skills as parents and that makes me really sad for you.  Why do people have to be so nasty?  Ugh...I am laid back but when someone is constantly doing things or saying things like her there is no way I could sit back as much and just take it. If it gets much worse then I would have DH bring it up with her and I would personally keep my distance.  Keep us updated.  Not to be dramatic but she sounds a little toxic and I don't like spending any energy on toxic people, regardless of who they are. Like pp said, just raise your baby and she can eat her words when you do an awesome job.

    That's my problem- I can't just sit back and let it happen. I don't want our baby surrounded by any kind of animosity especially from a grandparent. And if she doesn't like me I don't care- but I don't want her thinking she can pop in or randomly show up just because she thinks we'll be incompetent parents. It's really the boundaries I'm worried about more than anything. In the past 9 years that John and I have been together, she's been her same old self but we've gotten along. Since I married and stole her son, it's been a different story. And that's fine- but this has gone too far for me. I feel like I can't just sit back and let it go because it's infuriating to me that she is going to look at our daughter and think "it's a shame your parents didn't wait longer to have you." or some bs like that. It's not even about my feelings getting hurt it's the boundaries. They've gotta be put up somewhere and now is the time. 

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    Having been through drug-induced menopause twice now, I can honestly say it does make you crazy, but it also doesn't give you an excuse to be out of control with it. I agree with your husband wanting to approach your FIL, if your FIL is not like mine, he may give some good advice on how to deal with your MIL.

    Since she hasn't said it directly to you, saying anything directly to her will look like you picking a fight. 

    When the baby gets here, you will prove her wrong on the whole "you're not ready" argument anyway. In the meantime, FIL needs to get MIL's hormones in check. I couldn't have estrogen on my drug therapies, but hormone replacement therapy needs to begin now for everyone's sake.

    And you and your husband need to get on the same page as far as your boundaries with your kids before they get here. Not to say they won't be usurped at some point in time, but how you stand together after they are breached is a huge testament to how strong you two are. 

    DD#1 11.7.07 - DD#2 11.2.10 (3rd Tri Loss)- DD#3 4.18.12
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    I've been going through a similar issue with my in-laws.  FIL started it by saying I manipulated DH into marriage, house, baby, etc and when he talked to his mom, she said she agreed.  We let them know we were very hurt and not tolerating that kind of behavior.  We did not feel welcome to their home, but invited them into ours and hosted Christmas Eve.  FIL did not bother to come or even call DH for Christmas.  MIL and SIL came and MIL tearfully apologized, admitted she was out of line and doesn't know anything about our marriage.  FIL will come around eventually but will never apologize (they are going through marital issues with him moving across the country and MIL saying she will not necessarily go with him). 

    Bottom line:  I would have DH talk to his dad and gauge the situation but let them know you are hurt and will not tolerate being treated poorly

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    Though I agree what she is saying is hurtful and wrong I don't think talking to her is going to change her feelings. She thinks what she thinks and nothing you say will change that.  What you can do is be great parents and know that you did what was right for you and DH in terms of planning and not worry about what she thinks.

    When the baby comes, if she over-steps her boundaries you can have a conversation with her about what is and is not appropriate and leave it at that. If she wants to be hateful that is her business, and her loss.

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    You have gotten some sound advice here so I won't reiterate but I did want to agree with dragonfly that menopause does make you nutty.  My Mom said and exhibited emotions when she was going through menopause that I never imagined.
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    Let your DH handle it. You and DH need to discuss boundaries to put in place when LO gets here, and then let him bring those up to his family. You all will prove her fears wrong once baby gets here.


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    Thanks, ladies. I think I will just let DH handle it and not cause myself the extra stress. We have discussed boundaries and are on the same page about what we want, but we do need to discuss how we will handle when those boundaries are disrespected. DH is going to go have lunch with his dad to talk about it all tomorrow and hopefully that will help us gauge how this should be handled both now (if at all right now) and in the future after baby girl is here.

    I appreciate all of your input!

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