OK, here's a discussion to liven things up...

AnnapolisLari

What is so wrong about having your kids have a little fear of something? People on here are constantly posting about how "oh, I am not about to use fear as a parenting tactic! That is so evil and so wrong!"

If parents raise their kids with no fear, are you doing them a disservice? I can't tell you how many parents and teachers that I have heard over the years saying that tweens and teens in general are atrocious-- they have no respect for people and rules and no fear of anything. When are they supposed to learn it? My best guess is... now.

I know that as an adult, fear figures largely as a deterrent to me. I have a fear that I would be thrown in jail if I took something that didn't belong to me. I am afraid of a ticket if I don't follow traffic rules. I am afraid of someone punching me in the nose if I say something rude or insulting. You get the picture.

So why wouldn't you use a bit of fear in your parenting arsenal? Before you get your panties in a wad, I am not talking about beating your kids with a paddle or screaming obscenities at them and you know it. To suggest otherwise is just being ridiculous.

 

justEK

I guess in a way this generation is using fear of timeout. Lol I teach mg kids to be afraid of consequences. I told my son next time he takes his seatbelt off, I'm talking to a cop. He thinks he's going to jail, so he stopped. Kids that are being raised without an ounce of fear or even humiliation are the brats we complain about at the park or playdates.

shouldbworkin

they're always in fear of something, aren't they?  Even if you don't hit, you use consequences of some kind to discipline them and they chose not to engage in that behavior again (eventually) b/c they fear the consequence. 

cbidt*sgirl

Of course there are extremes to anything that are ridiculous. I want my kid to fear the cars speeding down the street and therefore look before crossing. But, I'd rather he not punch someone because it's wrong, mean and violent rather than because he's afraid of being hit back. Of course I fear being hit, but I fear the guilt I'd feel for hitting more.

Mominator

I'm not above fear tactics and/or bribery. There needs to be fear of consequences as well as the possiblity of rewards for good behavior. It's about finding the balance and not raising a spoiled brat or scaredy cat in the process. I don't hit my kids, yet they behave because the consequences that I do lay down, they are afraid of, if that makes sense.

JenniC1135

No controversy here.  I feared my father, and it kept me from making some serious mistakes as a teenager.  I had sex, but made sure I was on birth control because my dad made it clear I wouldn't be living under his roof if I came home knocked up.  Being homeless scared me more than the idea of having a baby.  I don't employ all of my father's tactics, but I think a little fear of one's parent isn't a bad thing.  I think too many parents think they're here to be their kids' bff and fear their chidren's rejection rather than the other way around.

Jessys_Girl

I agree with OP 100%.

We have to teach our kids to fear consequences and thus RESPECT consequences.

Does that mean I beat my kid?  No.  I don't even spank.

But I tell her "You will get hurt if you touch the oven!" or I shout "NO!" when she's about to touch it.  I WANT her startled and fearful of the oven so that she will RESPECT the oven's power to hurt her.

I tell her "If you color on the table, mommy will be very disappointed and I will take the marker away".  I WANT her to feel guilt/shame/fear of my disappointment.  I WANT her to fear having her things taken from her for misbehavior.  I want her to respect her things (table) and know the rules.

As far as hitting/biting.  I tell her "If you hit so-and-so they will get hurt!  And you will be in big trouble!" (Timeouts, or "baby jail" LOL) She doesn't want to go to "jail" so she doesn't hit.

When she's OLDER I can add in the moral lesson of "You don't want to go to jail so you don't hit.  But also, we don't hit because it's not nice and it hurts people".

Right now she can't comprehend that second part, it's too abstract.  So I use the concrete FEAR of consequence.

shopgirl78

I get where you are coming from...when my son took his seatbelt off (on the daycare bus), I told him exactly what would happen if the bus got in an accident: your arse is going through the front windshield and its gonna hurt if not kill you: )  Cruel.  Maybe, the truth, possibly...No, the cops will take you away.  That's not gonna happen. 

Here is the most flameful thought evah, when DS was getting in trouble at school and going to the Ps office and I had to go to the school twice, I almost wished the P had a big ole paddle to scare the crap out of him--not hit him.   The THOUGHT came from my own frustrations though and probably not fair.  But my head strong kid, may just need that fear.  : )  I am torn really on the thought...

I don't think my kids are fearful of t/o or me taking aways their toys.  They just don't like it so they avoid it.

Jodi&Joe

You can either respect me or fear me.  Choice is yours!

 

Ok, that's a bit literal.  But growing up in a house where there was ZERO respect but 100% fear, you would think I would be totally against it.  But I'm not.  Of course I won't, and don't, go to the extremes that I was raised with.  But I think fear definitely has its place. I've been flamed here before for using "fear tactics" and it makes me laugh.  People can be so extreme!

mamarazzi

I said this exact thing not too long ago.

IMO, too many kids today don't have enough discipline and, therefore, no fear of consequences.  I'm not saying spanking is the right answer (though I don't always think it's the wrong one either), but some sort of consistent discipline is necessary and kids being afraid of what will happen if they do something wrong is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

Jessys_Girl

mamarazzi:

I said this exact thing not too long ago.

IMO, too many kids today don't have enough discipline and, therefore, no fear of consequences.  I'm not saying spanking is the right answer (though I don't always think it's the wrong one either), but some sort of consistent discipline is necessary and kids being afraid of what will happen if they do something wrong is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

This! 

CTFandme

DH grew up in a house where he feared the wrath of his father although he was never physicalyl hurt, he was afraid of it.  I grew up in a house where I was afraid of disappointing my father. Two opposite schools of thought.  

Our kids are afraid of being spanked although we have spanked maybe 2 or 3 times in their whole lives and neither has ever been spanked hard enough to feel it.  As soon as one of them does something wrong they say 'don't spank me'.   We're going to get CPS called on us one of these days the way our kids talk  

I agree there should be fear of the consequences whether physical or punishment or whatever. Isn't that the thought behind the Love and Logic courses? 

 

AnnapolisLari

I didn't yell at my kids to keep them away from the stove. When I was baking something, I opened the oven door and we held our hands a safe distance away so that they could FEEL what hot is like. It wasn't anywhere near close enough to hurt them, but it was definitely warmer than they were used to. You can yell HOT! until you're blue in the face, but until they know that HOT! is going to feel unpleasant, there's always the chance that they will touch anyway. My kids have a healthy respect for the phrase "be careful, the oven is on."

Same thing with DS and the horse last winter. I told him "don't climb on the rail of the ring" about 4 times. The second I looked down to fix DDs shoe, he was up on that rail and the horse in the ring nibbled on his arm. It turns out that the horse likes to mouth that nylon fabric that parkas are made of and he had no clue that DS arm was in there. DS had a bruise on his arm, but nothing more (didn't even break the fabric of the coat, let alone skin). He has never gotten up on the rail to the ring since. The poor people at the farm park were probably worried about a lawsuit, but I am all about the object lesson. He now has a healthy FEAR of being bitten. He's not afraid of horses in the slightest, but knows that they are big and capable of hurting him if he's not careful.

I have also spanked on occasion. I think that one firm swat on a diapered butt isn't going to make them quake in fear of Mommie Dearest. Honestly, some of the kids I know whose parents are most against spanking are the biggest brats I know and most in need of one. LOL

gracendantho26

ITA! One of the things I always feared was disappointing my parents...I think that was a healthy fear. I also remember other kids (even the smartest ones) cheating in HS and I never did because I was terrified of getting caught by my parents....they would have freaked out.

 

gracendantho26

justEK:

I guess in a way this generation is using fear of timeout. Lol I teach mg kids to be afraid of consequences. I told my son next time he takes his seatbelt off, I'm talking to a cop. He thinks he's going to jail, so he stopped. Kids that are being raised without an ounce of fear or even humiliation are the brats we complain about at the park or playdates.

I say this kind of stuff too. I say what it takes, within reason, to make my point and be clear about consequences. Almost always works.

ETA I will also actually describe in graphic detail what would physically happen to them in a car accident if we get hit and they do not have their seat belt on or are not sitting safely.

Temp108743750006959

I think we try to achieve a healthy balance between 'fear us' vs. 'we're fun parents!' I do think, out of our group of friends in our neighborhood, we are considered strict. Our friends think we have it easy in the behavior dept. bc our kid is an only child. I'm ok with whatever they would like to think -- I still love my friends and at the end of the day, we all love our kids.

And the families that aren't strict have kids that are very often -- littleshitts. Their parents admit to being pushovers and tell me their kids don't respect them. One little girl always wants DS to come to her house because she destroys so much stuff in our house and she HATES to be reprimanded -- even a little bit.

But -- maybe those littleshiits will be entrepreneurs and my kid will be too afraid to bust out and be creative. Maybe not.

At age 5, we have more 'control' in the sense they can't drive, won't run away, and they aren't thinking about the opposite sex. As a teen, we have much less control (as it should be) and thus I want to instill good sense and habits early. Will it work? Will it backfire? no idea!

Regarding spanking -- I am not a fan. I think you can achieve respect without it. He's been swatted in the tush a few times but I have a very, very long fuse when it comes to physical punishment.